Infinite

As soon as the cops are done with their investigation of the house, I’m supposed to be allowed to go inside. It probably has to be torn down, but the whole house wasn’t damaged. We’re going to go there to see if there’s any of mom’s stuff that can be saved. I’m positive that she hasn’t kept any of the things I left when I moved out, and if she did, they have probably been destroyed. Thea works in insurance and has promised to help me with the process – I have apparently inherited the house, but I mostly want to leave Madison as soon as possible.

The investigation takes a few days, though, even though it was almost certainly an accident. Karl and I spend those days either with Jamie, Elliott, Linda and Thea, or just by ourselves, talking. I tell Karl about moving to the west coast, and he says "then I’ll go, too" without a moment’s hesitation.

We’re sitting on the steps to our old high school. It’s a Sunday, and the schoolyard is empty. I look at Karl like he’s gone crazy.

"You’d do that?"

"Of course I would. And the others would, too."

"But it’s just… it’s asking for too much. I can’t force you to move across the country." 
Karl looks at me funnily, like I’ve lost my mind.

"You’re not forcing us. Maybe we won’t move to whatever small town Linda and Thea’s from, but we’re family, A. Of course we’d come with you."

I sit there in stunned silence, and I have to take a breath and remember that I’m surrounded by people who love me. People who would move hundreds of miles just to keep our band together. Karl puts his arm around my shoulders.

"Hey, we love you. I know you don’t always get that, but we do. And we love being in this band with you. This has been the best year of my life," he says.

There have been so many times when I’ve taken his love for granted – through my relationship with Gerard, through the breakup, through the entire autumn I spent on the bottom of the pit. And through all of that, Karl has just been waiting for me to figure things out. Sure, he hasn’t always been happy about it – he’s been worried, and even mad at me. But he let me do my thing, trusting me to find my way out. If there had been even an inclination of attraction between us, I would have been in so much trouble right now.

"Yeah, this fucking year," I say, and suddenly I burst out laughing. It’s the kind of silent, shaking laughter were I’m not sure why I’m crying at the same time, and Karl looks and me and laughs too, pulling me closer.

-

That same night, I see Red from a distance outside Whole Foods while Karl is getting breakfast for tomorrow. It’s a warm night, and even though it’s early May I’m sweating in my unzipped hoodie. I’m waiting outside, leaning against the brick wall behind the corner from the entrance, reading a text from Gerard (No show tonight, wish I could be with u right now) when I look up for a second to see Red across the street. He doesn’t see me, and I don’t make an effort to be seen either.

I’d like to imagine that I’ve changed a lot from who I was just a little over a year ago. Madison hasn’t changed at all, and the contrast has been apparent ever since I came here – at least to me. This is not my town anymore. But seeing Red is like turning back time. Everything, from his curly dark hair to his Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt, is exactly the same.

He crosses the street, and at this time of night, the only reason for that is that he either has a craving for sushi or for unprocessed food. At first, he doesn’t see me. The last time he saw me I had red hair a lot longer than it is now, and the brownish dye in it now doesn’t really stand out. He almost walks right past me.

"Hi, Red."

I have to say something, right? For a moment, I consider the fact that he may just be ignoring me, but he stops dead in his tracks and looks at me, shocked.

"It’s been a long time", I say smiling, trying to be polite.

"Yeah."

He has his hands in his pockets, and he looks around as if trying to find a way to escape.

"It’s good to see you."

I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

"Yeah. You too", he says. I almost feel sorry for him, and have to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault that he decided to leave the band.

A million possibilities fly through my mind while we’re standing there. I could have loved him back. I could not have met Gerard that Saturday in Newark. He could still have been our drummer, having this amazing experience with the rest of us.

But if I hadn’t met Gerard, Infinity might never have made it. And Red still would have been in love with me, and I wouldn’t have loved him back.

"How’ve you been doing?" I ask, mostly to make this silence less awkward. It’s obvious that Red isn’t looking at me but at the brick wall behind me.

"Pretty well", he says, shrugging. "Our band is playing at The Grudge next week. I just have to get time off work."

He says the last part defiantly, like he’s testing me. "Oh, you’re in a band?" I say, refusing to take the bait. Still smiling.

"Yeah. We’re doing pretty well, actually."

"Good for you."

I can’t really think of anything else to say. He barely conceals his bitterness with his statement about his band, and I’m still smiling. Karl walks around the corner just then, looking for me. When he sees Red, he doesn’t look the least bit surprised, but I can see the slight shift in his jaw when he clenches it.

"Hey, Red. Good to see you, man."

They exchange an awkward handshake, and Karl gives me a questioning look. Are we leaving or what?

"It was nice seeing you, Red", I say. He looks at me properly for the first time then, and for a moment, my childhood friend is looking back at me.

Two six-year-olds on swings. Two fourteen-year-olds sneaking out to share a beer behind the Bakers’ garage. Two fifteen-year-olds sharing their first awkward kiss.

What if I’d loved him instead?

But he doesn’t say anything until we’re walking away.

"I’m sorry about your mom."

When I turn back to thank him, he has already turned and is walking in the other direction.