Infinite

Jamie and Elliott are equally exhilarated and scared at the prospect of flying. It’s kind of an early flight, or at least early enough to cause me and Thea to get under six hours of sleep, but both kids are up long before I knock on their hotel room door to join them for breakfast.

I’m in a sleepy daze for the entire meal, and I’m mostly just trying to remember that Jamie and Elliott leaving doesn’t mean I’ll never get to see them again. It works until I have to say goodbye to them on the sidewalk before they get into the cab.

Linda hugs me while I’m trying to conceal my tears from the kids.

"We’ll call you as soon as we’ve landed", she says. "Cry as much as you want to."

I kiss the top of Elliott’s head while Jamie clings to my neck.

"I love you guys. I’ll see you soon, okay?"

Jamie just nods. She’s wearing her new My Chemical Romance shirt, and even though it’s in the smallest size it looks like a dress on her.

"Thanks again for last night", Thea says, also hugging me. She lets go and looks at me, grinning despite my tear-stained face. "Now go kick some ass at The Garden."

I could go into all sorts of analyses of the lyrics to Famous Last Words. When we got backstage after the show last night, things weren’t awfully awkward between me and Gerard, but it was still there. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I knew that I hadn’t misheard and he knew that I’d heard exactly what he had said on stage.

The song wasn’t written about me. I’m pretty sure it’s a mix of Mikey leaving the band while they were recording The Black Parade, as well as following the storyline of the album itself. But as he sung I see you lying next to me/With words I thought I'd never speak he looked up at me, or at least to where I was standing as he was probably blinded by the lights. He was probably just trying to convey the part about I am not afraid to keep on living, since, you know, my mother just died. And because it was only last week that I confessed to him that I was so far down after he dumped me that I was hurting myself.

But still. Those two lines when he looked up at me, and the look in his eyes when we got backstage after the show. I felt the urgency when he hugged me, and the way he held his hand to the back of my head.

And it scares the hell out of me even though it should be the only thing I would want to happen.

Karl and I take the train to New York, and when we open the door to our apartment it has been almost two months since we were last here. The weather is still warm and the apartment smells like unwashed clothes and dust.

The last time I was here I still had a mother, and I thought that I would stay in New York for at least a few more years. As Karl flops down on the couch and I open the windows in the living room, I try not to think about leaving this place. I always dreamed about going to New York to make a living by making music. Now I just have to try dreaming about living in Portland or whatever we decide instead.

"Are you up for some people coming over to hang out?" Karl asks while texting Noel. "Noel and Hunter are back in town and Pete is wondering if he can crash here tonight."

"Yeah, sure", I say, just as my phone vibrates. After reading Gerard’s text, I say: "Half of My Chem are apparently coming over too."

Karl gives me a quizzical look. "When did our apartment become the primary hangout place for these people?"

Pete looks like shit. His hair is too long and his eyes are red-rimmed, but he says it’s because they’re in the middle of recording. When he’s standing in our hallway just looking around, I ask him why he’s really here.

"You’re playing at MSG", he says. "That’s like, a huge thing for you. I just came to see you." And he looks at me quickly for a second before saying: "And I heard what happened. Just thought I’d check up on you."

There’s probably more to it to make him fly across the country, but I decide not to push it. After Infinity On High came out last year, there’s been this insane pressure on Pete and the rest of Fall Out Boy to make a record just as good as that one. Their band is obviously so much bigger than Infinity, but that kind of pressure is starting to build up for us too.

Pete gives me a bear hug, but I find myself thinking that this time it’s maybe Pete who needs the comfort of that hug. He smells like cigarettes and sweat, and while we’re still hugging, he asks me if he can use the shower. "I’m sorry to barge in on you like this."

"We love you, Pete. There are towels under the sink."

When Hunter and Noel arrive twenty minutes later, Pete is lounging on our couch, watching Friends with a cup of tea in his hand. Gerard, Frank and Ray arrive a few minutes later, and there’s a lot more hugging going on when they realize that Pete is here.

It’s still warm outside and the apartment seems to be vibrating with heat from all the people here. I have resorted to wearing pajama shorts and a flannel – I’m in my own home, after all. The guys are all watching Ross singing "Baby Got Back" to his baby daughter while I’m leaning against the kitchen counter, trying to cool off with a glass of water. I’ve seen this particular episode so many times that I know parts of it by heart.

Gerard is rummaging through our kitchen trying to find the tea, and we’re probably both trying desperately not to make things awkward. When he closes one of the cupboards, I’m holding the tin-box with this household’s stash of tea out to him. He smiles and thanks me and we stand there in silence while he prepares his tea. In the background, Rachel says something funny on the TV and I can hear Frank giggling.

"Are you alright?" Gerard asks me while looking at the tea leaves in his cup. "You seem kinda quiet."

"It’s been a long week, that’s all."

"Yeah." He smiles his sideways smile at me, and my stupid heart skips a beat when I meet his gaze. "Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I’m stoked", I say, smiling, and I actually feel that way. I’ve missed performing this week, and seeing My Chem yesterday just made me wish I was back.

Gerard doesn’t go back to the others once his tea is ready. Instead, he joins me by leaning against the counter next to me, and I realize that despite my best efforts to concentrate on what is being said on the TV, I’m actually completely focused on what Gerard is doing. For a second, I imagine what would happen if I just inched a little bit closer to him. Just close enough to almost touch.

"Hey, Spencer wants us to come see them tonight. He’s telling me to tell you to ’get your asses over there'", Karl says from his place on the couch, making air quotes at the last part while still holding his phone. "You guys wanna go? It’s over on 52nd street."

I look at the time. It’s almost five in the afternoon, and it’ll take us at least 45 minutes to get to the venue, and that’s if there’s no traffic. During rush hour, it’ll probably be quicker to take the train. I didn’t change into these clothes to go out, but the guys are immediately up for it. I’m already tired from getting up early this morning, and the thought of seeing a lot of people isn’t appealing at all.

"I haven’t seen those guys in ages", Pete says, stretching his arms above his head. "They’ve been touring and we’ve been recording."

"It’s the Honda Civic tour, right?" Hunter says. "Are we taking the train?"

They end up calling a car service, since we live in Brooklyn, and they keep trying to make me come with them. Karl even calls Spencer to make him persuade me.

"Heeey, it’s my favorite Aubrey", Spencer says when Karl puts the phone to my ear. "You’re coming to see us, right?"

"You’re my favorite Spencer, Spence, but I really just want to curl up on the couch tonight."

"Yeah, I get that." There’s some noise in the background and Spencer asks Brendon to shut up. "We’ll catch up some other time, yeah?"

"Yeah. Break a leg."

Karl squints at me when I’ve hung up. I hand him his phone back.

"You’re okay, right? I don’t want to leave you alone if you’re not okay."

I smile at his worried expression.

"I’m fine. I’m just not in the mood."

Karl nods, and then turns to the others who are waiting with the front door open. Noel is on the phone with the car service and Frank is probably on the phone with Brian, as he’s saying something about "bringing the muscles". Brian wouldn’t let them go to a place filled with scene kids without some kind of protection, even though they would watch the show from backstage or from some comparatively safe spot.

I try not to look at Gerard, because I can feel my heart beating faster just by him still being within touching distance. He’s the last one to go out, and he’s zipping up his hoodie with the least awkward I’m-totally-fine-and-not-at-all-looking-at-you-face he can muster, probably.

I want to ask him about last night, but now is not really the time. He smiles at me again, tells me to enjoy my peaceful evening, and is out the door before I’ve even thought about the first words to my question.

Exactly which parts of that song were meant for me?

How am I going to get over you if you keep being this difficult?

I can hear the gate closing a few seconds later, and the guys talking on the street two stories below while they’re waiting for their ride. I partly wish I’d joined them, but having the apartment to myself for just a few hours seems like heaven right now. I could sort out my dirty laundry, or vacuum, or listen to the only kinds of music that Karl and I don’t agree on (although we’ve slowly worked our way towards each other during the last year).

Just as I predicted when I talked to Spencer, I end up on the couch, curled up under a blanket and watching Ross being awkward with Phoebe’s boyfriend on Friends. I could easily fall asleep here, even though it’s not even six yet.

I don’t have time to consider this option, though, before the entry phone makes that high-pitched noise that usually means that someone’s at the door. Realizing that Pete’s hoodie is still hanging over the back of the couch, I pick it up before going to buzz presumably-Pete in.

So I stand there, holding Pete’s hoodie, when Gerard knocks and opens the door I’ve just unlocked.

"Oh."

"Er… hi." Gerard looks from Pete’s hoodie to me, and closes the door behind him with a thud. "I, uh… I changed my mind."

"Oh."

I was exchanging words with this man minutes ago and was able to form proper consonants between my vowels. Now, I’m clutching Pete’s hoodie stupidly, not sure what to do with it now that Pete turned out to not be Pete at all.

"I couldn’t just… you know. When you were here alone and I haven’t like talked to you at all about, well…"

He scratches the back of his neck, and I surrender.

This is not something I can fight.

"We have popcorn", I say, putting Pete’s hoodie back on the couch while walking towards the kitchen. "And tea. And water, and some of that sour candy Karl likes. I was going to fall asleep in front of the TV if you want to join me."

"That sounds awesome."

Of course, we don’t even get to the couch.

It’s probably inevitable. It probably has been inevitable for a while. I pour myself another glass of water in our tiny kitchen and he follows me there, and I’m just about to pour him a glass too when he inches closer to me, the way I wished I had done just half an hour ago.

Close enough to not really touch. Close enough to make my breathing hitch just for a fraction of a second. I turn around, and he’s there, looking at me with that mix of wonder and something I don’t really know what to do with.

"I’m sorry about yesterday", he blurts out, like he’s caught himself. "I’m sorry I did that. I know it seemed like…"

"I don’t even know what it seemed like", I say, smiling a bit, and all of a sudden feeling sure of myself in a way I haven’t in such a long time. "I had no clue what to make of it."

"I just wanted you to know, you know, that I… there’s nothing I can do to change that part." He smiles, too, but it’s a small smile which changes into seriousness. "I know I’ve fucked this up, A. I really just want…"

But I’m so tired. I don’t want the excuses. We’ve both fucked this up. Hell, it’s a fucked up situation – I’m standing in my kitchen, with scars I don’t want anyone to see on my wrists, a week after my mother died, trying my best not to kiss Gerard Way. So before he’s had the chance to finish whatever he wants to say, I close that small gap between us. He looks at me wide-eyed when I’m all but pressed up against him. He’s always been a few inches taller than me.

"What do you want, Gee?"

It’s almost a whisper against his cheek, and I kiss it. I’ve been wanting to do so since he walked through the door tonight. As I continue to trail kisses along his jawline, down his neck, he sneaks his arms around me. I can almost feel his whole body surrendering.

"I want you", he whispers into my hair.

Hearing him say it is like a pleasant blow to my stomach. It’s like letting go of this whole year’s supply of longing, and pouring it into the way he kisses me. Cautious yet hungry kisses, his lips soft against mine as he puts his hands in my hair.

I think about the fact that we haven’t ever kissed this way before. My memory has been kind foggy on the details concerning this part of our relationship, but the way he pushes me against the counter is a new one, I’m pretty sure. The way he asks for permission for each and every move he makes is new, and the way he pulls my loose flannel over my head is something new, too.

He doesn’t look at the scars, but he runs his thumb over them when I’ve gotten rid of the offending fabric of my shirt and he’s running his hands over my arms. I almost pull back then, and through the haze of Gerard’s hands on my body there’s panic at the back of my mind. I push it down, until there’s nothing left but Gerard’s scent in my head.

He must have noticed something, though, because he murmurs "are you okay?" with his lips to my forehead. I nod.

"Yeah."

I let out a laugh, too small to make a sound, but enough for him to smile.

"What?"

"It’s just… you. Me. In my kitchen."

He grins, and kisses me again instead of replying. Greedier this time, pinning me against the counter until it’s digging into my tailbone. I don’t mind. I want him even closer.

I work on the zipper to his hoodie while he keeps kissing me, working his way down my jaw to my neck. I miss the closeness of his body for the few seconds it takes for me to pull his hoodie off his shoulders, and him to shake it off completely. Just like my shirt, it ends up by our feet.

It’s surreal, watching him get undressed in my kitchen. He looks kind of dazed as I start to pull on his faded black t-shirt, and he helps me pull it over his head. And then he’s back, pressed against me, running his teeth over my lower lip. Skin against skin this time, and his hair smells of cigarette smoke and that sweet Gerard smell I thought I’d forgotten.

I haven’t forgotten. As he puts his right hand above the waistband of my shorts, that smell is invading my head. Like millions of little memories that had curled up in there, waiting for this moment. They’re exploding on the insides of my eyelids as Gerard presses even closer, putting his thigh between my legs, pressing upwards just slightly.

It’s enough to make me dig my nails into his shoulder blades.

There are a lot of things you do in life that you don’t remember after a while. I can’t recall every single time I’ve had sex, but now it feels as if every movement of our bodies becomes permanently etched in my memory. Gerard’s soft kisses on my collarbone. His fingers slowly working their way under my waistband, and my fingers fumbling with buttons and zippers and jeans that are too tight to be of this world.

He puts his free hand under my thigh to help me get up on the counter. Something clatters behind me as I push it over, but neither of us care.

And it’s kind of strange how I’ve never imagined myself having sex with Gerard on the counter in mine and Karl’s kitchen, because right now it seems like the only good thing in this world.

His eyes bright, so focused on what he’s doing. My hands in his hair when I’ve finally managed to unzip his jeans. The way he smiles, a bit embarrassed as I tell him that there are condoms in my backpack by the couch, and how he pushes me down on it when I’ve untangled myself to go get one. ("Would’ve been an awkward angle in the kitchen anyway", he says between kisses, and I laugh.)

The way he kisses my neck and finally pushes my shorts and my underwear from my hips, his slender hands running down my thighs.

The way he whispers a question when his fingers slide back down their insides, and how he smiles at me when I tell him that god, yes, do.

His fingers, his pressure, his eyes when he makes me come.

The crashing waves.

The way I don’t have to worry about being quiet, because we’re not on a tour bus this time.

My hand on the back of his neck when he’s hovering above me afterwards, and he’s silently asking me if we’re really doing this, if this really is Gerard and Aubrey giving in, giving up.

I just reach up to kiss him.