Infinite

I’m thankful for the spotlights blinding me as I go on stage, otherwise I would have seen the entire crowd. There are so many of them, people everywhere who are here to listen to us (and two other bands, but anyway), and the thought of that, plus knowing that Gerard, Frank and Ray are out there too is enough to make my knees go weak. I manage to stand upright, but my hands are shaking as I pull the guitar strap over my head and step in front of the microphone.

It seems our six-song set ends far too soon, and then we are leaving the stage to make room for the last band. We put our instruments in the dressing room that we share with the two other bands, and then we go our separate ways – Red and Noel walk off towards the bar, and Karl and I make our way to where we last saw Gerard and Jamie, at the back of the club where they were still able to see the stage.

I should be nervous again because Frank and Ray are probably going to be there, but I’m not – partly because I’m still on a high from our performance, but also because I think the ‘wow-they’re-famous’-feeling has worn off from being around Gerard for so long. Well, not long really, but long enough to make me feel this way. I can’t fight the part of me that’s anxiously wondering what they thought of us, though.

Jamie, who’s wearing big, pink ear defenders, is sitting on Ray’s lap, laughing at something Frank has just said. Gerard is standing next to them, looking around searching for something… or someone. He grins as he sees us and I smile back, and still influenced by the adrenaline rush of being on stage, I greet him with a hug. He hugs me back tightly (and I take in everything about him, the way he smells – mostly of cigarettes – and the way his hair feels against my cheek) and then lets go, looks me in the eye and exclaims:

“You guys were awesome!"

Here I go with the blushing again. I mutter some kind of ‘thanks’, looking at Karl for help. The last band has started to play, but they are more of the acoustic type so we don’t have to scream to be able to have a conversation.

“Thanks, it really means a lot to us,” Karl says, just as Frank and Ray walk over, Frank with black jeans, a black and white-striped t-shirt and Converse, and Ray in grey jeans and a band tee. Jamie is holding Frank’s hand and her face is practically glowing with pride because of it.

“I have to say… you’ve got something here,” Frank says, smiling at me and Karl. “You’re Aubrey, right? Great singing and I have to say that that’s really a nice t-shirt.”

“Hah, thanks."

“Yeah, I agree!” Ray says, also smiling at me. I smile back, blushing even more but praying it doesn’t show in the dimly lit club. “Teenagers, I was like… wow. How long have you been doing this?”

Karl and I look at each other, trying to telepathically decide who’s going to talk. Karl speaks.

“About a year,” he says. “You want a demo?”

Great going Karl, I think, now they think we just wanted them to come so they can pass along demos. Frank looks at Ray who looks at Gerard, who says:

”Yeah, I guess…”

“Great!”

And then Karl is off, quickly making his way backstage were Red put the demos.

“Uh… sorry about that,” I say. “We don’t expect you to do anything with it, it’s just fun to… I dunno, get some constructive criticism.”

“No worries. You guys are good, it’ll be nice to have something new to listen to,” Frank says, smiling reassuringly with Ray nodding at his side.

I’m smiling so wide my cheeks are starting to hurt. Gerard places a hand on my shoulder:

“Hey, you might wanna stop that before she passes out.”

“Oooh, a fangirl?” Frank says. “I never would have thought.”

“Thanks a lot, Gerard,” I say, rolling my eyes. The others just laugh.

Jamie, who has been quiet the whole time, start tugging at Frank’s hand.

“Fraaank, piggyback?”

-

I don’t want the night to end, but as all nights do, it has to. After listening to the last song of the acoustic people, we gather our stuff from the dressing room, stop to chat with Greg about our payment (he even says that we’ll keep in touch, because he may want us to play there again) and then we’re outside. It’s mid-March and since it’s nearing one a.m., it’s quite cold. Red has already started to load stuff into the van, which is parked about ten yards away. It couldn’t be more obvious that he wants to leave – he keeps giving us meaningful looks and puts the equipment down with as much force as he can without damaging it. It doesn’t bother me, though, because I have much more important things to worry about.

“So…” Gerard says, sticking his glove-clad hands into his pockets.

“Exactly,” Frank says. “Best of luck to you guys.”

“Thanks,” I say. It feels like my heart is ripping in two – I hate goodbyes and this one is particularly heavy. It’s not that I know these guys very well, but even so, they have meant so much to me for such a long time – I would be crazy not to feel sad about leaving them. If a thing called sense of reality didn’t exist, I would have thought that Gerard felt the same way. He may not feel the butterflies like I do (because that’s downright impossible – I don’t think anyone has butterflies as crazy as mine) but he sure seems a bit reluctant to leave.

“I guess we should be going. It’s been really nice seeing you… again,” he says, smiling at me.

“Yeah, you too. Have fun in Europe.”

Just as they have turned around and started walking away and we have done the same, I hear a voice behind me yelling “hey, Aubrey!” I turn again, and see that Gerard have done the same.

“We’ll keep in touch, okay?”

"Yeah." I don’t even have time to get nervous. Of course we’ll keep in touch if he wants us to.

Gerard grins before turning around again and jog in the opposite direction to catch up with Ray and Frank.

During the ride back to Madison, we are all unusually quiet until Karl says:

“What I’d really like to know is why Red acted like a jerk around Gerard.”

Karl is driving, Noel’s riding shotgun (fast asleep, which is kind of rude) and Red, Jamie and I are in the back. Jamie is also asleep, lying down in her seat with her head in my lap.

”What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Karl looks at Red in the rearview mirror.

“It means that you acted like a jerk around him without any reason whatsoever.”

“I don’t like him.”

Karl lets out a snort.

“What has he ever done to you?!”

“He’s a fucking sellout, that’s what he is!”

“How can you say that, you don’t even know him!” I say, feeling the heat from the anger rise to my cheeks.

“All they’ve done is to release two shit records and get a bunch of teeny fans! They’re not about real music, he’s such a fucking emo loser it’s pathetic.”

At first I’m speechless. I’ve always known Red to be a bit aggressive about which bands he thinks you should and shouldn’t listen to, but this is ridiculous.

“First of all, that’s three records, two of which you haven’t even heard!” Red mutters something about ‘whatever’. “Red, you don’t have a fucking clue what Gerard has been through.”

“Neither do you!” he retorts, looking at me angrily. “You think you’re so special ‘cause you and him had a little chat and he wants to hear from you again, but the truth is that you’re just like all of those other fans, you just want to sleep with him!"

The tears have started to sting in my eyes. I always cry when I get angry and I hate it, it makes me look completely desperate. Karl steps in.

“Just shut up for a few seconds, Red. You may not like the band but that is no reason to talk to Aubrey like that. Listen to yourself, man, you’re not making any sense.”

“She’s not making any sense either! Talking to that guy like they’re best friends or something. You know what…” he says, sighing and looking at me. “You’re no better than a freaking groupie.”

I snap.

“That’s it! Stop the car, I’m walking.”

“No you’re not and Red, just shut the fuck up or you’re gonna be the one walking,” Karl says without taking his eyes from the road but gripping the steering wheel tightly. Red throws me a dirty look and I can feel the tears starting to come, what the fuck is wrong with him, he’s never been this way before…

The rest of the car ride passes in silence. When we get to mine and Jamie’s house, the lights are still on in the living room and I can feel the panic rising – mom and Rick are still awake. I’m in so much trouble.

I carry Jamie up the porch while Karl gets my stuff and helps me get it inside. And so, after giving me a reassuring smile and a ‘good luck’ and walking back to the car, I step into hell.