This Modern Love

I wanted to cry. It wasn’t because the sex was physically painful, although I was sore. I wanted to cry because I came to a scary realization.

I was losing my love for Shaun, or at least that is what it felt like. When Shaun had told me he wanted to trade our virginity, my only concern was how Scotty would react when he found out. Shaun and I had always kept that promise to each other, but I didn’t want to go through with it in fear that Scotty would leave me.

I was nervous when it came time for Scotty and me to actually have sex. I was scared of how he would judge my body, even though I acted as if I didn’t care. I was afraid of how I would compare to the other girls that I wrote off as sluts because they got to him first. I was terrified of just sleeping with him for the first time. I had so many fears that I should have had with Shaun, my first. However, I didn’t. I was just scared of being left behind by both men who loved me.

I felt a tear roll out of my eye. I tried to pull away from Scotty so he wouldn’t feel my tears against his bare chest. He wrapped his arm around me tighter so I couldn’t move.

“Where you going, babe?” he asked sleepily.

I shook my head. I was afraid that if I answered him my voice would crack and give me away.

He wrapped his other arm around my back, making me feel like I was in a death grip. I wanted to be by myself for a minute. Have time to clear my thoughts so I didn’t feel like a tramp thinking about another person while I was lying next to someone else.

Another tear fell out of my eye, and I watched it roll down Scotty’s chest. I was more afraid of him thinking it was drool than a tear.

He didn’t move a muscle.

Because of that, another tear fell, and then another. Scotty grew tense.

“Please tell me you aren’t crying because the sex was bad,” he pleaded desperately.

“No,” I tearfully chuckled. Of course he would think that was why I was crying, instead of the most obvious reason in the record book.

I felt him sigh in relief, and his arms grew tighter around me.

“Then what’s wrong then?” he asked.

I shook my head and bit my lip. I wanted to just start hysterically crying, but I thought that that would be shitty to do. He already knew I was crying, but I didn’t want to totally murder his self-esteem by just bursting into tears.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Scotty asked, his voice littered with defeat.

I nodded, and dug my face deeper into his chest. He let out another deep sigh and rubbed my back.

I didn’t want to feel this way with Scotty at all. He was just supposed to be the rebound. The back up plan. I was supposed to be with Shaun. Shaun was supposed to be the knight in shining armor, not Scotty.

However, there was no way that I could love Scotty. He was just there to love. I wasn’t serious about him. I could have been afraid of him comparing me to other girls because I knew we would only sleep together once. I didn’t want to be super low on the skank totem pole. Which could be another plausible reason why I was so nervous about sleeping with him. I cared for him, just not as a boyfriend. He was just there to be there. To make sure that I found out whom I really needed to be with.

All I was certain about was that I didn’t want to lose Shaun, and it appeared that I had already lost him a long, long time ago.