This Modern Love

Joanna opened the door to a room that consisted of a chair, a mattress, a long wooden board, and an empty bookshelf. The room was small and the smell of smoke. The white wallpaper was peeling, revealing damaged sheetrock and wooden panels. The carpet had stains of all colors and pieces of the ceiling spread about.

“How do you know about this place?” I asked in awe.

Joanna decided to bring me here after she saw me sitting on the living room floor with tears of irritation gliding down my face. She claimed that she was going to take me to a spot where I can release all my anger that I was holding in.

“This was my home before my parents got divorced. They bought the house and let it go to crap when my dad went back to British Columbia. I come here to relive my stress,” she explained, running her hand over a falling piece of wall paper.

“How do you relieve stress in an abandoned house?” I questioned curiously. I don’t see how I could get relief from here. I never grew up in this house; it was unfamiliar to me. I would understand if I had memories of being here as a child, but I didn’t.

“You destroy it,” she answered. She left the room and I heard another door open. It must have been next door, because the wall to my left started to bulge from where it was being hit. She came back in the room with a bucket in her hand.

“Here are some things you can use,” she said, digging through the bucket. “Spray paint, a permanent marker, hammer, and a bucket.”

“You seriously want me to destroy your house?” I asked with wide eyes.

Joanna shrugged. “It’s all it’s good for. This room has no significance to me. It’s the guest bedroom’ then and now,” she said with a smirk. “I destroyed my old room. You can have this one.”

I slowly nodded, and went to grad the marker.

“You’re not going to watch me are you?” I asked shyly.

Joanna giggled and shook her head.

“No, I’ll be in the next room destroying shit. I might sit in the hallway for a breather, but I won’t stare you down or anything,” she chuckled.

I tapped the end of the marker on my palm.

“You know, I’m not feeling very upset at the moment,” I admitted with a grimace.

“Want me to help you out?” she offered, stepping towards the wall I was staring at.

“Please, do.”

She walked up to the wall, and put up a picture of Shaun and Natalie. They were sitting on a park bench, kissing.

“I thought you would have trouble getting started, so I brought it just in case. Louie took the picture to upset you the next time you insulted him. I took it from him, and kept it here,” she told me, stepping back at my sides.

I clenched my jaw, staring down the picture, and twisting the marker in my hand.

“Do you need any further assistance?” she asked, folding her arms and looking at the photo with me.

“That would be helpful,” I painfully whispered.

“I’m sorry, Candace, but it’s for your own good. Everything I‘m about to say is complete bullshit,” Joanna warned.

She took a deep breath, and tucked a long piece of hair behind her ear.

“He doesn’t care about you, honestly. He’s just using you so he can ‘experiment’ with people. I don’t think he even likes you. I think he just tells you that he loves you because he doesn’t want to seem like a jackass, which he fails at, by the way,” she added. “He’s putting you off because he knows you will wait for him. I think he’s just waiting for you to get fed up and leave him, so he doesn’t have to deal with the Candace who loves him, but the Candace that was his best friend,” she rambled.

“Do you see those two?” she asked, slamming her finger on the picture of Natalie and Shaun. “I don’t think you are on his mind at all when this happened. Face it, Candace. He doesn’t want you in that way. You’re just the best friend that nobody dates.”

My breathing got heavier at her words. I picked up the closest object to me in the bucket, and threw it at the wall. Joanna jumped out of the way from the incoming hammer and stared at the hole it made in the wall.

“I think you’ll be fine now,” she said with a grin and left the room.

I ran up to the wall, and started to write down all my thoughts.

Shaun, I love you. But you using me to do things for a girl I hate is tearing me apart. You keep saying that everything I do for her will bring us closer together and help us be together. You saying that kind of shit makes me want to hit another. I can’t stand that you constantly chose her over me. My first memory is just standing in the shower eating chips with you. And you throw all of that away for a tiny fling? You’re killing me, Smalls! I wanted to be with you! I wanted to have your children, I WANTED TO FUCKING GIVE YOU YOUR FIRST BEER FOR YOUR 18th BIRTHDAY! But, you threw it all away for a common Russian whore who can’t even say ‘really’ right! I hate you Shaun, I really hate you. I have a great guy waiting for me, and I keep fucking him over because I‘m so upset over you all the fucking time. Do you see what you do to me? I can‘t stand you. I fucking hate you.

I stood back from the wall to grab the hammer. I glanced around for a good spot to start tearing up, and I found it. I hit the spot here the picture was hung over and over again. I could feel my hands bleed from hitting them on the wall.

The next tool I grabbed was the long wooden board I saw when I first walked in. I started hitting the window with it until the glass fell into the backyard.

I grabbed the chair and threw it at the wall until the leg broke off. Then, I used the leg to beat the mattress that was lying on the floor. Dust flew into the air, making my eyes more watery than they already were. I took the leg and threw it at the back wall. I kicked the wall over and over until a hole started to form. I kept going until my whole foot went through the wall, into the next room. I pulled my leg out of the hole, losing my shoe to the next room.

I stared at the wall, reading my message to Shaun over and over again. It sounded so desperate, so pitiful. I took the red spray paint and painted ‘fuck you’ across the note.

Someone cleared their throat in the doorway.

I turned my attention from the wall and towards the door.

Scotty was leaning against the door frame, twirling my shoe in his hands. He twisted his mouth to the side and looked at me.

“Feeling any better?” he asked sympathetically.

“How did you know I was here?” I croaked.

“Joanna called me about twenty minutes ago. Told me what was going on, I could hear you destroying this place in the background,” he answered, walking closer to me. “She told me how to get here in case you hurt yourself, which I see you’ve done,” he said sternly, grabbing my bleeding hand.

“It’s nothing,” I grumbled, pulling my hand out of his grip.

“We should at least get it cleaned up. This house has been empty for years, it looks like. You don’t know what kind of diseases animals have tracked in here,” he said, trying to make another grab for my hand.

“I’ll be fine,” I spat through gritted teeth.

Scotty sighed at my resistance, and tossed my shoe on the ground.

“We should at least get out of here,” he pleaded.

“I’m not done yet,” I said darkly.

Scotty raised his hands in defeat and backed up so his back touched the wall.

“I’ll sit right here until you’re done,” he said, sliding his back down the wall, and propping his elbows on his knees.

I turned my gaze back at the wall and searched for a peeling corner. The only sound in the entire house was the sound of Scotty rubbing two coins together behind me. I grabbed a corner, and started to violently rip the wallpaper off of the wall. Every piece I could reach was torn off, along with the ones I had to jump to grab. It felt as if the paper I was ripping off of the wall was also ripping up any feelings I had for Shaun.

I turned around and shrugged.

“We can go now,” I breathed.