Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Despite my resolve not to go to the San Francisco show, Callie somehow talks me into attending. Jason also comes. They are both eager to see HIM live but I’m dreading it.

I’d walked out on my husband[/] when I probably should have stayed and worked it out. I was sorry I hadn’t told him about Jyrki but my pride would not let me admit it. I have moved on from that extreme lack of better judgment and no longer felt anything for Jyrki.

Jason and Callie make their way towards the venue’s bar and for the first time in a long time, I order a drink. I knew I would need it if I planned on getting through the concert without running the stage and leaping into his arms and beginning for forgiveness.

While I know that I need his, I still feel as though he needs mine. His attitude about the entire thing had been rude and insulting. I am not a slutty girl and he has no right to insinuate that I “jump in bed” with anyone. Sure, he and I got things started rather quickly but it takes two.

By the time Dommin comes on stage, I’m on my 3rd drink and feel rather giggly. Callie is doing her best to get me to talk about Ville but for the most part I pretend I can’t hear her over the music and the crowd.

When HIM finally does come on stage, I can see the subtle unhappiness in Ville. His appearance his disheveled, well more disheveled that normal, his conversation is lackluster and he seems almost like he’s repulsed or burned but the words he’s singing.

By the time they leave the stage after their encore, I’m 6 drinks in and unable to drive. Callie accepts the responsibility and unhappily gets in the driver’s side of my car.

“He knows we’re here, by the way.” She says moodily as she starts the engine.

“I know.” I say simply, staring out the window, purposely avoiding looking in the direction of the tour buses.

“You’re going back to him, right?” she says as we begin the drive to Los Angeles.

“Most likely. It’s a lot of paper work if I don’t.” I mumble.

“Paper work?” she asks, confused. I can hear the hum of the engine but everything else is silent.

“Callie, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before now but, Ville and I eloped in February. We’re already married.” I say, sadly. At this point I’m almost sorry I’d done it. For me, marrying Ville has been like shedding skin. I feel fresh, young, and clean. But after last night’s argument, I’m afraid I’m too young, too stubborn, and too prideful for Ville. I’m terrified I’ll end up hurting him.

Callie stares silently ahead. Her lips are tight and I know she’s holding back harsh words. I sigh and rest my head against the cold glass.

“Elin, you know I love you and I am so happy that you and Ville are together. I think you’re wonderful together but honestly, you need to learn a lot before you’re going to be a good wife.” She says after a few moments. I turn my gaze to her and she’s still staring at the road ahead of us. There are tears on her cheeks. “I know he respects and loves your independence but you need to learn to give him some control into your life.”

“He respects and loves my independence?” I ask slowly.

“Yes, he told me. Elin please, just fill him in on your past so he can be a part of your future. Seriously, you have to let him in.”

“I know.”

“You know?” she asks with a laugh. “You know how lucky you are? Do you know how many women there are in this world that think Ville is the best there is? How many women would take him from you if they could?”

“I know that Callie. I read forums; people gush about everything about him from his voice to his taste in literature. People love him. I love him. But I can’t seem to get it right, can I?”

“You can if you try.”

We both fall into silence and the rest of the drive is quiet.

“You’re still going to have the ceremony this summer, right?” she asks when we’re only minutes from my house.

“Do you think we should? Or should I just send out letters apologizing?” I ask. I’m no longer feeling the effects of alcohol but I’m tired and my mind is blank except for ideas of how to make it up to Ville.

“Please have it. I still want to see you guys get married, even if it’s not the first time.” She says gently but her smile breaks into laughter and I laugh with her.

“I married him in my favorite jeans and a t-shirt.” I laugh. She shakes her head but continues to laugh and smile.

“That’s probably the exact outfit he wanted you in.” she says with a sigh when our laughter abates. We’re sitting in the car in my garage. Many of my things are still here, neatly left in their places.

My Mercedes is still parked in its garage bay. My patio furniture cushions are stored away to protect them from the weather while I’m away.

Callie decides to stay and drive home in the morning. We make our way into the house and get ready for bed. Just looking at the bed knowing that I’ll be alone in it, brings the sting of tears to my eyes. So after brushing my teeth, I pop a Valium from the medicine cabinet and fall into bed.

I know that Callie and Elin were at the show. Callie had parked the car close enough to the venue that I noticed it while out for a smoke break. It’s hard to miss an Aston Martin.

I wonder where they are both before and during the set. What is Elin doing? Is she testing me some how? I know that my anger had let me say things I didn’t mean and that weren’t true. Would she really send me divorce papers?

Of course it would make sense for my life to fall apart just when it seems perfect.

I’ve called her repeatedly but now she’s turned off her phone. I left several messages and several horribly written text messages. I’m not very good with texting but I thought maybe she’d appreciate my effort.

After the show, I immediately retreat to my bunk. I can’t really decide how I feel. I’m still angry and I’m hurt that she would storm away like that. She’s different from Jonna who would stay until she’d screamed every insult she could think of. Elin hadn’t even raised her voice; it was more terrifying than Jonna’s yelling.

I try to read, I try to write but I can’t do either and I can’t fall asleep. But I smile to myself when I remember that Elin’s bag is still here. She left without it and I know her Valium or at least Xanax will be in there.

“Mige?” I call he replies with a grunt; he’s playing Halo. “Do you think I’ll die if I take a Valium?”

“Dude, I think it will take more than a Valium to kill you at this point. And you do need sleep.”

I agree and dig through Elin’s bag to find her Ziploc full of prescription medications. I’m surprised and shocked to see how many are in here. There’s Xanax, Valium, Percocet, Plan B, Chantix and a few other generics. I take out a Valium and leave the rest untouched.

I fall asleep wondering if I should just go to her house when we arrive in Los Angeles and hope she’s there.

Or if maybe, I’ll get lucky and she’ll return my phone calls.