Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Watching him walk away down the hallway was, for some reason, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I practically slapped myself when I felt the hot sting of tears. I angrily stormed around my hotel room making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything and faked a smile for the girl at the front desk.

I violently threw my suitcase into the rental car and moodily drove to the airport. Why is it that I finally find an unmarried man I can stand to spend more than 2 hours with, have a great conversation with and he has to live overseas? Why?

I took a valium and passed out for my flight. I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with my thoughts on the long flight to Los Angeles.

But even now as I arrive in Los Angeles I can still feel his touch on my skin. I can still hear his voice gently whispering in my ears. I can still feel the frustration at myself for sleeping with him after less than a day. There was just something about his movements, his face, his voice, and his ideas. I know Callie is going to berate me for having slept with him already but I can’t change it now and wouldn’t if I could.

I slip into the driver’s seat of my car after throwing my duffle in the backseat. I just want to get home, get my dog and try to get the charming Mr. Valo out of my mind. I’ve never been an entirely casual person but in his arms I could feel the words “I love you” about to slip off my tongue. I felt home in his embrace. It was a comforting feeling and I’m unsure of what it means to feel at home with someone rather than in a certain place.

I plug in my Bluetooth and hit speed dial number “2” and let it ring. She’d be #1 if voicemail didn’t automatically take that spot.

“My lady, please tell me you’re back in LA!” she says loudly without even so much as a hello. Her voice is a comfort. When you’ve known someone as long as I’ve known Callie they are a rock in your life that you simply can’t live without.

Callie and I met when we were 4 years old when our fathers began doing business together. My Papa and her dad would pack us all up for vacations together and we were immediate friends just like our fathers. We came to California together when we were looking for our own lives. She quickly entered into the modeling world while I buried myself in my school work.

“I am. I just left the airport and I’m on my way to my house. Meet me there in about an hour?” I reply, breathing out my cigarette smoke while speaking.

I am always torn about the disconnection between all the people I love in my life. I am so far away from my papa and my siblings and it’s hard when we’ve always been a close knit family. I keep in contact with my brothers as best as I can but my sister and I are in contact very rarely. Callie and I spend a lot of time apart as children but we were always in contact with letters or phone calls. Now I feel disconnected from Ville. I feel like our connection is some how stretching, keeping us linked. It feels like some part of my soul is spanning the continental USA, the Atlantic Ocean, and all the way to the cold landscape of Finland.

“I’m so ready to see you I may just be there in less than an hour! It’s only been 5 days but I miss you. Oh, and Baudy misses you so much. He just mopes around.” She gushes.

“Poor baby; so I have a favor to ask you.” I say, biting my lip. I’m wondering if this is really the best decision I can make at this point. The cars on the freeway zoom by and after living here for a few years the aggressive driving is second nature; I can do it while my mind and heart are in 15 other places.

“Anything, love.” She replies just like I knew she would. She’s the most giving person in the world. If someone asked for her right arm and she thought they deserved it, she’d probably give it to them.

“Can I borrow your HIM CDs?” I ask with trepidation. She lives with those CDs and I’m not sure she’d let them out of her house.

“Of course you can. Please tell me you’re becoming a HIM fan?” she replies excitedly. I know she would be ecstatic to know that we could share her favorite music together.

“You could say that.” I answer. I can’t get his smile out of my mind. I would give just about anything to have him in the passenger seat again like he’d been in London. His presence is calming and invigorating at the same time. I can still smell his cologne mixed with cigarette smoke as if he’d been in this exact car only 5 minutes ago.

“Are you alright? You sound like something’s wrong.” She knows my mind is elsewhere and I know she won’t rest until she uncovers where it’s hiding.

“I’ll tell you about it when I see you.” I say. Just thinking about him, I can feel the burn of tears again.

“Alright, I’ll see you soon” She says. “And you’d better fill me in on what’s going on in your head right now! And you had better not be thinking about Nils!”

“I can sincerely promise you that I’m not thinking about Nils! I’ll see you soon, lovely.” I say and hang up the call. I light up another cigarette. My nerves are on edge and I just can’t focus.

Nils is my ex boyfriend. We’ve been off and on for nearly 6 years now, almost all of my adult and teenage life so far. It’s not that there weren’t good things about our relationship but the good was outweighed by the bad. No one can tell you when it’s time to let go, sometimes you just know. When the negative overshadowed the positive, I said goodbye and haven’t looked back, well not very often anyway. Sometimes it’s hard to forget someone when they work for your father.

When I finally arrive at my house and pull into my garage, I let out a sigh of relief. Things are familiar again. All my crap is piled along one side of the garage wall and my other car is parked in the second bay.

I grab my things out of the back seat of the car and after pausing to breathe in the scent of the ocean, head into the house. For the first time since moving into this house, I’m not as happy to see it. My things look ordinary, droll and well, entirely mine.

I kick off my shoes at the door and make my way to the bedroom. I pull my phone out of my bag and check for messages. I have a voicemail from my father, my editor, my client in Berlin and my client in Rome. I decide to put them off until later. I have an unread text messages from Callie, Isak, Bo, and V Valo. My heart practically beats out of my chest. I can feel the heat of blush in my cheeks.

It was wonderful to meet you sweetheart. I wish we’d had more time together. I can’t wait to see you again in August. I hope your flight went well from V Valo.

I can feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I quickly send a reply.

My flights went very well. I’m back in sunny LA now. I had an amazing time with you. It really is a shame I had to leave so soon. We’ll have more time in August to get to know each other.

I throw my duffle and my phone onto the bed and strip off my clothes on the way to the bathroom. I jump in the shower and attempt to rinse off the flight and the butterflies but only the scent of the airplane rinses clean.

After getting dressed in a pair of shorts and a tube top, I fluff my wet hair, apply some mascara and tanning lotion and head outside onto my patio. I settle into my favorite lounge chair and wait for Callie to arrive.

“ELIN,” I hear her yell from inside the house.

“I’m outside!” I yell back, getting up to greet her.

She hugs me then hands me my little dog. He eagerly licks my face and wags his little tail.

“Oh hello my little angel,” I coo to him while Callie and I settle into our respective lounge chairs. I cuddle him into my side and he lies down happily in the sun.

“So you had a good trip then?” she asks. Her own dog settles in with her. She takes her shoulders out of her tank top to reduce tan lines and relaxes back into the cushions.

“I did. All the flights went well and the meetings went well.” As I mention the meeting I can still see him sitting across the table from me. His posture, his appearance, everything about him drew me in immediately. The things I’d really noticed were his artistic, beautiful hands and his eyes, his gorgeous green eyes.

My phone buzzes but Callie grabs it before I can. That’s one of her bad habits: she loves to read other people’s text messages. She opens it and reads it aloud.

I’m glad to hear you’re safe and sound in the sunshine. I’m waiting for my flight back to Helsinki right now. Gas says hello. I definitely plan to spend some more time with you in LA.

“El,” she begins carefully and quietly. “Why are you getting a text from V Valo and suddenly asking for his CDs?” she’s eyeing me with scrutiny and I can’t keep it a secret any longer.

“I met him. I’m the financial advisor for their new recording project.” I say, leaving out the little detail of having slept with him. “You can reply to him if you like.”

“So you met him in a meeting and now you’re best friends?” she asks again with skepticism after finishing her message. “Wow, I can’t believe I just sent Ville Valo a text. I love being friends with you.” She says with a contented sigh.

“We spent some time together after the meeting.” I say. I can feel my cheeks rush with blood and I know I’m blushing.

“You slept with him, didn’t you?” she asks. I just nod my head. “Oh my god.” She cries. “I can’t believe it! My best friend has had sex with my favorite singer! And now he’s texting you! That’s a good sign! He must like you!” she’s alive with excitement. Her face is in a wide smile and her eyes are bright with happiness. “Oh my god, you’re going to date a real man for once! But as your voice of reason, that was a very rash decision! You jumped in bed with Jyrki and that was a disaster!”

“I think Ville is just a polite man. Yes, Jyrki was a mistake but Ville is different. Anyways, they’re coming to record in Los Angeles in August. You can meet them if you like.” I say in an attempt to get her off the topic of sex.

“I’d love to meet them. So how was it? I mean is he as awesome as all his fans would like to believe he is?” I know now that I’ve unleashed a flood I can’t stop. She’s going to ask until she gets every detail.

“Cal, we had sex 4 times in a period of about 12 hours.” I admit. I hear her gasp. I hide my face in my hands.

“Jesus woman, He’s like 32!” she says with a laugh. “That’s impressive.” I just shake my head. I know my cheeks are burning red with embarrassment.

“So how did it all happen?” she asks. I begin to explain that we’d just hung out all day but then she interrupts me: “You have another text!”

“Read it to me.” I say.

Helsinki is never really nice but its home. Tell your friend Callie I’d love to meet her in August. My flight is boarding now but we’ll be in touch. Take care, sweetheart. See you soon.

“Elz, do you think you’ll get together?” she asks quietly.

“How can we? I live in LA and he lives in Helsinki. He tours the globe almost yearly and I’m all over the place with work. I just don’t see how we’d ever manage to spend time together.” I say. “I spent most of the drive home wondering how we could ever be together but the only solutions don’t really seem to work. I mean, I could move to Finland but I’m so happy here and I just got settled. He could move here but I don’t know if he would. Callie, I just don’t think I’m ready for all this.” It all spills out of my mouth before I can even think about it. I feel much better once I’ve said it aloud.

“All what? I mean, you had sex with him and you’ll see him again in August. It’s not like he proposed or anything.” She says rationally but with a smirk. She’s messing with me.

“I know that. But you know me. I don’t just throw myself around like that. There was something there.” I say.

“Yeah, lust.” She replies starkly “he’s gorgeous.” I just smile at her. She just giggles in response.

We talk about Ville, our dogs, the several men Callie is seeing and other various topics of conversation while we sun tan, make dinner, and have tea in the sun room. At around 11:30 pm she gets ready to head back to her apartment. She pulls out a stack of CDs from her purse and I gape at the pile.

“Yes, he’s written a lot of songs.” She says, putting them in order.

“Okay, start with Greatest Love Songs Vol. 666 then move on to Razorblade Romance, then Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights, then Love Metal, Dark Light, and lastly Venus Doom. And when you’re done with those you can listen to Uneasy Listening Volumes 1 and 2.”

“Wow,” I say involuntarily.

“Yeah, it’s good stuff.” She says with a wink. “Keep me informed on V Valo and don’t forget that we have our spa appointments tomorrow.” She says happily before practically skipping out my front door.

I don’t sleep. I can’t turn off the music. I feel an insatiable urge to hear every word he’s committed to record before I can sleep again. Every song is beautiful; every song is crushing and powerful. When I hear his voice I can imagine he’s here with me; I can imagine that we’re experiencing life together. I allow a fantasy to comfort my mind and eventually I fall asleep around 6am when the last song of the last album has faded to silence.