Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

As I walk up the path to the front door, I notice that the lights are still on in the living room. Elin must still be up working. I shuffle with my key ring and get the door open.

I’d gone out with Linde and Mige to see our bus driver’s band play in downtown Helsinki and it’s now roughly 1:00am. It was strange to have young women approach me for autographs or photos. I wanted each young beautiful face to be Elin’s.

It’s almost like she’s disappeared out of my life. We’re together at meals and at bedtime but the rest of the day she spends on campus, at the library or at her desk. She’s been coming to bed after I’m already asleep and she’s up before I am.

Even though it’s after midnight, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to see Elin at her desk pouring over notes.

But when I get in the front door and take off my shoes, I see that the desk chair is empty. There is a cup of tea sitting on a small pile of photocopies and one pen has the lid off. I wander over and recap it.

There are notes scrawled in the margins of every sheet of paper I can see on the desk. She’s been busy since school started again for her. I understand that she’s got a lot of responsibilities and a lot of work to get done but I’m used to having her all to myself.

In the early part of our relationship, we never saw each other at work. I didn’t see her work on auction appraisals or anything. The only time I saw her working was when she was editing her paper on drapery. We also made a lot of time to talk together while apart.

Now I feel like I haven’t heard her voice in days.

And since moving in together, she’d been taking a break from work so I had gotten used to her being around to spend time with me all the time. Yes, it is selfish but I miss those days.

I miss the days when we would just listen to music together all day, lying on the floor singing along together. Or when we would wander Helsinki together, dipping into random shops or cafes.

I sit down in her desk chair, wondering what if feels like to be surrounded by textbooks and notes. Her laptop is open but the screen is black. The flashing light on the front tells me that it’s in sleep mode. She must be off doing something else.

I get up abruptly and look over the organized mess that is her desk. I grab her teacup and walk it into the kitchen, wondering why she didn’t do it. She never leaves cups or dishes around.

What kills me the most about the whole situation is that I now, truly, understand why my previous relationships failed. I didn’t make the time for my significant other. I silently wonder if this is my punishment for doing it to others; my punishment is equal to my crime.

She keeps promising that it’ll be different on and after our trip. She says she’s just cramming right now so that she doesn’t have to take work with us. But I know she’s a perfectionist and doesn’t rest until what she’s working on is done.

We’d had a good day a week or so ago. She’d come upstairs and showered with me, which isn’t something she usually does. She’d apologized for how it had been but I’d told her not to worry about it when really I was angry.

I’d become the liar I usually become in relationships. I’d hidden my real feelings in an attempt to avoid an argument or confrontation. It’s a bad habit I’d developed with Jonna to avoid screaming matches.

But Elin isn’t Jonna and I know she wouldn’t have yelled at me for telling her that I’ve been angry.

What if this is what our life together is going to be like?

I shake my head sadly and head up the stairs. The light in the bedroom is on and Kulla meets me at the top of the stairs. He’s wiggling around like he needs to go outside so I grab him in my hand and take him back down and outside.

Suddenly I’m worried. Elin left her things open and in progress, the lights are on but she didn’t come to meet me at the door. Normally, if she’s not working she at least calls to me. As soon as Kulla is done, I grab him and dash back into the house.

Elin hasn’t had her usual medication lately. My heart nearly stops in my chest. Her father had warned me about this. I take the stairs two at a time and practically run into the bedroom.

But I feel like a fool when I see her wrapped in a throw blanket, sleeping deeply on the bed. She has a book in her hand. She must have come upstairs for it, crawled across the bed for it and simply fallen asleep.

I sit Kulla down on the bed and return to the living room to turn off the lights. I lock the front door and head upstairs once again.

After brushing my teeth etc, I slip Elin under the covers of the bed. Sometimes I am truly surprised at how little she weighs. I’ve never seen her sleep so deeply. She barely even stirs as I move her. I slowly slide her glasses off her nose and sit them on the bedside table.

I get in beside her and turn out the lights. She mumbles slightly so I put my arm under her pillow and the other over her stomach. She snuggles further into my grip and rests her head right in the crook of my neck.

I feel her eyelashes against my skin and I know her eyes are open.

“Oh Ville,” she says in barely a whisper. “I can’t work like this.”

I don’t reply I just hold her tighter.

“It isn’t fair to you or Kulla.” She smiles against my skin. “Oh!” she exclaims suddenly. “I left a cup downstairs.” She moves to get out of my grip.

“I got it, Elin.” I say gently. She settles back into my arms.

“You’ve been angry with me, Ville.” She says against my skin.

“Yes,” I admit quietly.

“I am sorry. I just get so lost in it.” Her fingers grip onto my t-shirt.

“I know. I just miss the time we used to spend together.” I say into her hair.

“I do too. I’m not going to take on this much next semester. Maybe I won’t even go to school.” She says. I can feel the tears on her face on my shoulder. I pull her apart from me so I can see her face.

“If you want to be in school, be in school. We’ll work this out.” I say. I wipe the tears off her cheeks but she just closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they meet directly with mine and I’m jolted by how beautiful she is. We haven’t been this close in a while.

“No.” she states firmly. “My relationship with you is more important than the University.” I open my mouth to speak but she shushes me. “We’re going to try to have a baby, Ville. I can’t have a baby if I’m working like this.”

“Then we’ll wait to have a baby.” I say even though I don’t want to.

“I don’t want to wait and you don’t either,” she says with a knowing smile. “After this semester, I’m quitting school. I can go back to work. I’ve actually had people calling me asking when I’ll be working again.”

“If that’s what you want,” I say even though I’m smiling.

“It is.” She says and moves to kiss me. I smile against her lips. She us able to do what I never could. I’ve never felt more loved in my life; she’s giving up her work, her other love, for me, to be with me.

“I love you, Elin.” I mumble against her skin.

“And I love you, Ville.” She replies and twirls a piece of my hair around her finger.