Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Los Angeles, California.

Callie’s party begins in an hour and I still have not picked a costume. Ville is laying on the bed, nearly entirely covered in discarded costumes. I have a small boutique of Halloween costumes in my closet and sometimes it’s hard to choose just one.

So far I’ve tried on: a genie, a playboy bunny, Alice in Wonderland, Tinkerbell, a schoolgirl, a cat, a vampire, a pirate, a cop, a gangster, a referee, a witch, and a sailor. I’m at the bottom of the trunk and Peter Pan is all that’s left.

“Peter Pan it is,” I say, mostly to myself.

“Are you afraid to grow up, my love?” Ville asks with a chuckle. I just throw the remaining pieces of the sailor costume at his face. “That’s right, you’re not afraid of anything.” He mumbles from under the costume. I wince at his statement but he doesn’t see it.

I wish I could easily describe the fear that bubbles up in my throat and the tears that threaten in the corner of my eyes when I think about the worst-case scenario. I’ve always considered myself a strong person but I’m just not sure I could go through that sense of loss again and make it out alive.

And I know I can’t see that look on Ville’s face again. It would kill me more surely than poison or slit wrists.

I pull on the tights, the top and the ballet shoes associated with my Peter Pan costume and shuffle into the bathroom to fix the little hat into my hair. Ville comes in behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. He smiles at me in the mirror and lays his head down on my shoulder.

“Callie is going to be so mad that you’re not dressing up.” I say with a smirk. Despite all of Callie’s hints, prods and almost pleadings, Ville is refusing to dress up for Halloween this year.

“Give me that set of wings and I’ll be the Tinkerbell for your Peter Pan.” He says in a low voice. I can tell that he’s got something on his mind and it’s weighing him down but he’s trying to make the effort to keep it out of the conversation.

We’re both keeping things from each other. My heart sinks when I think of all the things he could be hiding. I suddenly, for the first time, fear our marriage will end in divorce.

“What’s wrong?” he asks with intensity. I open my eyes and meet his gaze in the mirror. I’d let my fear spread to my face and he’d immediately picked it up.

“Do you think we got married too quickly?” I blurt out. He looks at me for a moment in the mirror before turning me around to look at me, face to face.

“No,” he says without hesitation. “I don’t think we got married too quickly. I think we’re still working out some of the bumps but nothing is supposed to go smoothly, right?”

“I’ve just felt really far away from you since Italy.” I admit.

“I’ve felt it too.” He says with a sigh.

Immediately when we came back from Italy, I was back at school and struggling not to bury myself in the work. Even though I know it hurts my relationship with Ville to work that hard, I can’t tone it down.

We’ve been talking about whether or not I should continue after this semester or not. Ville is steadfast that he will not take school away from me. He thinks that school for me is like music for him but I know it’s not the truth. I can live without school. I can live without Art History I just can’t live with nothing to do.

I’ve been looking around Helsinki, Stockholm and the university for jobs I can take in the New Year. I haven’t told Ville because I don’t know what will work out. My dad has offered me a job through his Helsinki office. If I don’t find something more tempting, I’m taking it.

I cannot and will not spend the next few years of my married life so buried in schoolwork that I forget about my marriage and possibly my children.

“I’m going to fix it.” I say suddenly. Ville looks at me curiously,

“How?” he asks.

“Just trust me for now.” I say and wrap my arms tightly around his waist. It takes a moment but he envelops me in his arms and rests his cheek on the top of my head.

Eventually we untangle ourselves from each other and I finish getting ready for the party.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly Ville and I fall in sync with each other even after uncomfortable or upsetting conversations. It’s like some where inside we both know that everything is fine and is working out. I’ve never had a similar feeling of ease despite any uncertainty.

We smiling and laughing together; we’re holding hands and stealing kisses before we even arrive at Callie’s party.

She’s rented out the ballroom at one of LA’s best hotels and filled it with every manner of Halloween decoration you can imagine. Yet somehow she’s managed to keep the party classy.

She comes running over to me as soon as we walk through the door. She’s dressed as Lady GaGa.

“Only you and Lady GaGa have the legs for that outfit.” I say and hug her.

“And only you look hot while dressed as a boy.” She says through laughter. “Ville, why didn’t you dress up?” she asks with a sad face.

“But I am dressed up.” He says with a silly smile and turns around so Callie can see the wings. She cracks up laughing and has to hold on to me to stay up.

Bam comes jogging over a few moments later. He’s dressed as a pirate along with the rest of the Jackass gang. Bam hugs both Ville and me before stealing Callie away to dance.

Ville and I circulate, saying hello and catching up with friends we haven’t seen lately. We meet up with Jason who is dressed as a plug while his boyfriend is dressed as a socket.

“This is so tacky.” I say and attempt to hug him despite the prongs.

“You’re tacky! Look at you; you barely even visit anymore. Girl, who am I supposed to talk about boys with?” He says and gently slaps my face.

“You have my phone number, Jason.” I say with a chuckle.

“Ville, you must be one hell of a lover to get this little lady to leave Los Angeles.” He says thoughtfully. Ville just looks at me before beginning to laugh. After a few minutes, Ville gently kisses my temple before slipping away to catch up with Kat.

“So,” Jason begins as soon as Ville is out of earshot. “Where’s the baby bump?”

“What baby bump?” I ask.

“Come on now. You cannot seriously tell me that you’ve been married to that gorgeous man since June and you have not conceived his child!” Jason says in mock horror.

“Jason, if or when I find out I’m having a baby, you’ll be 4th to know.” I say.

“4th? Bitch, I want to be first.” He says indignantly.

“Well, I’ll be first. Then I’ll have to tell Ville, that’s only fair. Then Callie will some how magically know it’s happened and then I’ll call you.” I explain.

“Alright, fair enough. I’ll be third to hear it from you but 4th because Callie has mind reading powers.”

“I have mind reading powers?” Callie says, walking up behind Jason.

“Yes, woman, you do.” Jason says.

I chat with Callie and Jason for about 20 more minutes before Ville comes back to steal me away. They are prying me for information about when Ville and I are going to have a baby. I know that Callie thinks I’m already pregnant but she pretends she doesn’t for my sake.

“Let’s dance.” He says and pulls me with him onto the dance floor. “I could tell you were uncomfortable. What were they talking to you about?” he asks as he pulls me into his body.

“How could you tell I was uncomfortable?” I ask with a raised eyebrow. I was unaware that I give off any signs of discomfort.

“It’s the way you stand. It doesn’t happen very often because you’re always so confident. But when you’re not, your toes of your shoes touch at the tip.” He explains. The warmth of his hand on the small of my back is incredible soothing and he holds my other hand tightly.

“They were talking about babies.” I say quietly. I’m hoping he won’t hear me over the music but he does.

“What’s troubling you about babies?” he asks.

“I’m afraid.” I whisper. I lay my head down on his chest and sigh. He gently holds my head to his chest and I can hear his heart beating.

If the world could stop right now, I’d be okay with it.

“I don’t like seeing you afraid. It’s rare and fairly disconcerting. Elin, whatever happens, we’re in it together. None of this ‘I didn’t want you to see me that way’ talk that you used last time.” He says sternly but lovingly.

“Okay,” I say and let him twirl me around before pulling me back in.