Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Helsinki, Finland

The weather is getting me down.

I miss the sun, the heat and the warm ocean breeze. I’m beginning to suffocate in the house but it’s so dark and cold outside that I don’t want to leave. I’m not working, I’m not in school and I’m going crazy.

Ville and I argued ruthlessly this morning. I blamed him for my unhappiness. I cursed at him for asking me to move to Helsinki. I screamed at him for spending so much time locked in his music room, leaving me alone.

He’d told me that I’d made my own decisions. He reminded me that he’d offered to move to Los Angeles but I’d turned down the offer.

I’d cried that I wanted to go back to LA for a few months but he’d held his ground that he didn’t want to go right now.

We argued so viciously that he’d stormed out and still hasn’t returned. That was around 10:00 am, it is not 2:00 pm. We’re supposed to go out to Mige’s lake house for New Year’s Eve but now I’m unsure if Ville will want to go anywhere with me.

I don’t really know what came over me this morning but it scared me.

I’m becoming my mother. She was always up and down; she would blame us all for ruining her life then she would praise us for how we made her life special. I’m terrified that I’ll become like her.

While we all loved her unconditionally, she had bad days, very bad days. The winter darkness would bring her so low she would spend days on end in bed, only getting up to turn the lights on or off.

With the medication I was taking last year, I made it through the winter without the harshness of seasonal depression but this year I’m too afraid the chemicals will harm my babies.

I’m stuck in a cruel circle with no good alternative. I either go back on medication, risking my pregnancy or I lash out at my husband without any control.

I am heartsick with guilt over the things I said to him and I only want to apologize. He isn’t answering his phone; he left it here in the house.

So I slump a little farther down in my chair. The fire is going out slowly but I don’t feel like getting up to put more wood on it. Now that the dog is out of the house, I am totally alone without Ville.

I can hear the clock ticking on the bookshelf behind me and I find my eyes slowly beginning to close.

I wake with a start when I feel movement by my feet. I open my eyes to see Ville lifting my feet onto the footstool. The fire is warm and full again. He is still in his coat and there is snow in his hair. I reach out and gently run my hand through his curls, making the snowflakes disappear.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“I know.” He says.

He sits with his back propped against my chair. I know the things I said hurt him and I would give anything to take them back. I lean forward and rub his shoulders. He sighs and I rest my cheek on the top of his head.

“I am happy to be here with you, Ville.” I say, quietly. He grabs my hand and squeezes.

“I am happy you’re here with me, Elin.” He says in barely a whisper.

I sigh and sit back in the chair. I tilt my head and stare out the window at the falling snow. I feel him shift near my knees but I don’t turn to look.

I feel him wrap his arms around my leg and rest his head on my thigh.

“Should we go to Los Angeles?” he asks.

“No,” I reply without looking but I rest my hand in his hair.

“Will you be okay here? I don’t like to see you so sad.” He says. He begins to rub my foot. Rubbing my feet is Ville’s habit when we’re arguing or angry but he wants to be sweet.

“Darling, I can’t run away to Los Angeles every time I’m unhappy. That’s too ridiculous. Where did you go?”

“I just went walking. I didn’t actually go anywhere.” He says.

“I’m going to work with Papa again.” I say. I’d spoken with my father after Ville had stormed away. “He offered me some flexible work. I can work from home when I want to and go into the office when I want to. I guess I’m lucky I have a father that owns his own business.”

“That’ll be good though.” He says. “You are not the kind of woman who can sit around the house all day and be happy.”

“I know.” I say and turn to him. He smiles at me and lifts himself up to meet my lips.

“That’s one of the reasons I love you.” He whispers against my lips.

I cuddle him into the chair with me. He laughs when his legs stick out over the arm of the chair.

“You’re too tall.” I murmur.

“The chair is just too small.” He jokes.

“Forgive me for being crazy?” I ask.

“Of course. We’re kind of married. It would be rather difficult if we wanted to break up every time we argued.” He says with a chuckle.

“You’re right. Besides, how would we explain it to the kids?”

“Your mother and father broke up because they couldn’t agree on when to vacation. January or February?” he says with a mock serious tone.

I just laugh and squeeze him around the waist. “Now, go upstairs and play your guitar while I start to get ready to go out tonight.” I say and push him up from my lap.

By 10:00 Ville and I are with Mige and his wife, Linde and Toni, Gas and his wife, and Burton and his wife. We are all talking about plans for the future and what a tour means for Daniel Lioneye. We’re talking about families, children and getting older. I am the youngest person in attendance but they treat me like an equal anyway.

It is always nice to see Ville with his friends and to get to know them. I’ve bonded well with all the wives and we have lunch all together fairly often, usually once a week.

Around 11:45, Mige suggests that we all use the hot tub.

While changing, Ville looks at me oddly while I’m standing in my suit rubbing down the front of my stomach.

“What’s the matter?” he asks with a chuckle.

“I’m not used to looking like this.” I say with a smile. “It’ll be rough for me when I can’t see my feet anymore.” He just wraps his arms around my shoulders and squeezes me.

“I’ll keep an eye on your feet for you.” he kisses the back of my neck before leaving the room to join the others.

At midnight we toast to 2011. Ville and clink our soda glasses together and kiss. The others do the same but with glasses of champagne.

When we arrive home, we get into bed as usual. I lay on my usual side, facing towards Ville. He lies down on usual side, facing me.

“Can you believe it?” he asks in the dark.

“Believe what?” I ask back.

“That it’s 2011, that we’re married, that soon we’ll be parents.” He says in the tone of voice that means he’s thinking out loud.

“Mmhmm,” I murmur in agreement.

“I never thought I’d be happy like this.” He says.

“Well you deserve it, my darling.” I say and move closer to him. He automatically opens his arms to me and wraps me in them. “You know what my favorite thing about you is?” I say with a smile.

“What?” he asks in a far off voice.

“When you’re onstage and your limbs are just that little bit too long and you end up in some awkward position.” I say, smiling.

“I end up in awkward positions?” he asks with a laugh.

“Oh yes,” I say, twirling a curl around my finger.

“I’ve never noticed.”

“You’re too into what you’re doing. Here, I’ll show you what you do.” I say and jump out of bed. I mimic his odd poses until he is in tears with laughter.

“Do I really do that? Why has no one ever told me?”

“Because everyone loves you the way you are.” I say, sliding back under the covers. “I love you the way you are.”

“And I love you the way you are. Happy New Year, Mrs.Valo, this is going to be a big year for us.”

“Yes my love, it will be a big year. I love you, Mr. Valo.”

“I love you as well, little Valos.” He says and rubs my belly. But he begins to tickle me.

We fall asleep wrapped up with each other.

In the morning we’ll wake up to the year we celebrate our first year wedding anniversary and welcome our first children into the world.

The morning can’t come soon enough.