Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

The board rooms are all beginning to look the same and I can’t see anything beyond grey or beige office walls. I know that the Scandinavian summer sun is shining brightly outside but I can’t remember what it would even look or feel like. It seems eons ago that I was at my cabin on Papa’s island but it was only yesterday.

My father asked me to come and assist him with a merge project his company is working on with a Finnish company. I arrived in Finland yesterday and had enough time to shower off the smell of outdoors, sleep for a while and unpack my office clothes before I had to be up and ready to arrive at the office this morning. I take off my glasses and massage my temples in an attempt to release the pressure headache pounding in my skull.

I have been watching the clock click closer towards 6:00PM. I made plans with Ville for dinner and am anxious to see him. We’ve been in regular contact mostly via Skype. I had never been a believer in online relationships but I have to admit that I’ve fallen in love with him over video chat.

We have not talked about being together or even liking each other. But we’ve talked about everything else under the sun. He’s intelligent, creative, funny, and unendingly sweet. We’ve had conversations from all over the world: Rome, Berlin, London, Amsterdam, New York, and Los Angeles. Granted, he’s usually in Helsinki and I’m the one traveling but that’s beside the point.

I adore his laugh; the way his eyes squint shut when he laughs hard or the low chuckle when I complement him. I love that it doesn’t how bad of a mood I’m in or how tired I am after a long day talking with him always lifts my spirits.

I’m roused from my day dream of Ville by a familiar and unwanted voice.

“Typical, Elin is half asleep on the conference table.” Nils jokes as he enters the board room. Nils is what most people define as a stereotypical Swede. He’s tall and lean with a bronze tan, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a winning smile. But underneath the suave, smooth exterior is a sarcastic, cruel, ruthless personality.

“Typical, Nils is 25 minutes late to a meeting he scheduled.” I bite back.

“Let’s not do this here.” Papa says calmly. He feels badly that Nils and I are still in contact after our horrendous relationship and break up but Nils is one of the best corporate lawyers in Scandinavia and he’d been hired before we’d had our troubles. I just smile at my papa. “Elin has been in meetings since 8:00am so we’ll forgive her for being bit tired. My lilla gulbit is just exhausted.” he says. I just nod.

Papa has called me “lilla gulbit” ever since I can remember. He’d always called my mother “gulbit” which means “gold piece” and because she and I looked so much alike and were both named Elin, I became “lilla gulbit” or “little gold piece.”

He takes a seat beside me and gently rubs my back. Papa knows about the troubles in my life over the last few months and is quietly patient with my outbursts and stress headaches. He invited me to the islands for a week in an attempt to get myself straight again.

“What are you doing for dinner tonight, Elin?” he asks.

“I have plans with a friend,” I answer with a dreamy smile. Papa calms me no matter how stressed, upset or unreasonable I can be. It’s that fantasy that little girls have that their daddy can fix everything.

“Who is this friend?” He asks with a devious smile. “Is it a man friend?” Nils scoffs and impatiently drums his pen on the table. He’s been asking me for weeks now who the mysterious man in my life is but I’m not ready to reveal anything.

“Papa,” I playfully scold and gently slap his arm. Before the conversation can go any farther, the client of the merger arrives and our meeting begins.

I manage to keep up and keep my mind off Ville for the entire 2 hour meeting. When it’s over, I stroll down the hallway arm in arm with my papa.

“Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night since you’re busy tonight?” he asks before we part ways in the building’s lobby.

“Of course, Papa,” I say and kiss his cheek before heading to the east side doors where my car is parked.

I watch my father retreat with Nils and I feel a pang of guilt that I didn’t make plans with my Papa. My father is a teddy bear to me but I have to remind myself that he is an imposing figure. He is 6’4”, muscularly built and incredibly handsome. He has sandy blonde hair and dreamy blue-grey eyes that are reminiscent of the sea in summer. His complexion is flawless and tan despite his age.

Knowing what he’s been through and what we’ve been through as a family, I have an extremely tender spot for my father in my heart. He may frighten others with his height and build I know that my Papa would never hurt a soul. His heart is full of love and compassion. Yet he also has a drive and an ambitious nature that makes him an effective business man.

Once I’m back in my hotel room, I take a quick shower. After drying off, I check the clock. I will probably be late but all my clothes are laid out on the bed and I can’t decide what to wear. I make the decision to make an emergency call to California.

Callie and I have 6 emergency calls to each other monthly. When we’re always overseas and working it makes it hard to get in touch. So we allow each other 6 times to call no matter the time.

“Hello? Is this an emergency call?” she answers with a laugh.

“Yes, it is an emergency!” I cry in frustration. “I’m meeting Ville in 30 minutes and I can’t decide on what to wear.” I am never this concerned with clothing but for some reason I really want this guy to like me…again.

“Tell me what your options are.” She demands calmly.

I list off all the clothes I’d packed for Finland including my underwear and shoes as she insisted.

“Okay, well you’ve met him before so you don’t have to go crazy. Let’s see.” She says and then hums while she’s thinking. “Go with your skinny jeans, your coral tank top and the cream cardigan. Wear a white bra and panties. Wear your brown rainbow flip-flops and take your black purse. Okay, you’re done. Oh and Elin, do not wear a hat! Have a good night! I love you! Tell Ville I say hello.” she says happily. I thank her and promise to say hello to Ville for her.

I run around between in the bedroom and the bathroom trying to get ready to make it on time to meet him. I jump in the car with exactly 15 minutes to get to my destination that is 25 minutes away.

I have to admit that I’m nervous. I check my make up one last time in the mirror and get out of the car. As I approach the restaurant I see Ville out front having a smoke. He smiles widely when he sees me. My heart soars.

“It’s so good to see you,” he says and I let him pull me into his arms for a hug. Memories of London, many of which bring a blush to my cheeks flood back into my tired mind when I smell his cologne and cigarettes. He’s wearing jeans and a button up shirt with a vest. His usual beanie is pulled down over his hair and he’s wearing his usual Converse.

“It’s good to see you too,” I say with a smile. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“No worries,” he replies.

We stand there just looking at each other for a few moments before we both react at the same time and go in for a kiss. He holds my face in his hands and I hold his upper arms. When we part, we stare at each other for a few moments before going into the restaurant.

“So to what does Helsinki owe the pleasure of your presence?” he asks after we’ve been seated. We decide to sit outside so that Ville can smoke and Baudy can come out of my purse. Ville and Baudy immediately take to each other. Luckily Baudy doesn’t shed so Ville doesn’t have an allergic reaction to him.

“I’m here helping my dad with a merger.” I reply not really wanting to discuss business to Ville.

“That sounds like fun?” he asks with a raised eyebrow and a joking smile.

“I enjoy it but I know that business is not for everyone.” I say. “Oh, before I forget, Callie says hello.” He laughs and tells me to return a hello to Callie.

We talk casually while we have dinner. It’s the best sort-of first date I’ve ever been on. He’s interesting but at the same time he’s interested in what I have to say. He’s a gentleman and he’s funny. But unfortunately for me, he’s more observant than I had planned for.

“Elin, what is it you’re not telling me?” he asks quietly as we step out into the street. He lights a cigarette and offers me one.

“No thank you, I’ve quit.” I say. “Can we go somewhere private to talk?” I ask and he offers his place with a worried look. He gives me directions from the passenger seat and after what felt like an eternity of silence we arrive at a beautiful brick tower covered in ivy.

We silently get out of the car and I follow him to the front door. It’s a beautiful antique wooden door. If I wasn’t so down about what I have to tell him I’d realize how fully enchanted I am by his home before even setting foot inside.

He leads me into a cozy living room and tells me to have a seat while he goes to make coffee. This place is filled with him. There are instruments littered all over the room, there are pages of notes, music lines, and lyrics strewn across the table and some of the floor. There are odds and ends that just scream ‘Ville’ on the mantle as well as hung on the walls. I almost jump out of my skin when I notice a mannequin sitting in the fire place.

He comes back in with 2 cups of black coffee, the way we both drink it. He takes the spot beside me and sits back to let me gather myself.

“Okay,” I start. “I’m just going to say it.”

“Okay,” he replies.

“You and I were going to have a baby together but I lost it. I found out 5 weeks after we’d been in London. I was going to tell you but now I have to tell you bad news instead.” I blurt out just moments before tears take over my eyes and I bury my face in my hands. I can’t bear to look at him but I can tell from the silence he’s shocked. “I’m so sorry.” I manage to choke out.

“Don’t apologize, Elin. Come here,” he says gently and pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner love? I could have been there with you.” His words just make me cry harder. What kills me is that I’ve learned enough about Ville to know that he would’ve been in LA with me the moment he found out.

“I’m glad you weren’t there for it.” I say when I’m calm enough to speak.

“Why?” he asks. There is hurt in his voice and it breaks my heart.

“It was awful, Ville, simply awful. I’m thankful you didn’t have to see me like that. I barely got myself together enough to make it here.”

“There was someone there for you though, right?” he asks with concern while running his fingers through my hair.

“Callie,” I answer. He just nods. “I was only at 8 weeks but the doctor said that my stress levels along with my medications just didn’t allow my body to carry a baby.”

“What medications, love?” he asks quietly.

“I take Xanax for anxiety, Valium or Ambien to sleep and birth control. So I really have no idea how I got pregnant in the first place. But now they’ve upped my Xanax because I can’t relax at all anymore.” I explain. For some reason talking to him about it is easier than I thought it would be.

He doesn’t say anything; he just nods. I almost feel like a child in his lap. But over his shoulder I can see some more of his house. It is all Ville just like my house is all me and it furthers my hatred of all my things in their stark Elin-ness.

He lets me cry and he alternates between rubbing my back and twirling my hair. I feel a calm come over me that I hadn’t felt since London. I’m always working, always researching, returning a phone call, or traveling, I never get time to just be. But now, here in his arms, I feel at peace.

After a few more minutes, I decide it’s time to break the silence.

“Callie and I think it was going to be a girl.”

“A girl,” he mumbles into my hair. He’s rested his cheek against my ear and his arms are still tightly wrapped around my waist. “What would you have wanted to call her?” he asks in a whisper.

“Katherine,” I reply without hesitation. I feel him sigh against my chest. “Callie and I had batted names around after I found out about the baby. I always came back to Katherine. If you hadn’t wanted it though, I would’ve gone with something else”

“I like that,” he says before leaning forward, taking my entire body with him. He holds me to him with one arm and scribbles something on one of his many sheets of paper with the other.

“It’s getting late.” I say eventually after more silence and release myself from his arms. His face is sad and his features aren’t bright the way they’d been at the restaurant. I search for a trace of happiness in his eyes but can’t find it. “I should get back to the hotel.” I get up from the sofa and head for the door. I’m sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news. I wish I could just find a little Eden in a bubble for him to live in and be eternally happy.

“Would you rather stay? It’s late and you’re upset. Perhaps it’s better to drive in the morning.” he says rationally after meeting me by the door.

“I’ll sleep on your sofa.” I suggest, putting my purse back on the table by the door. My mind is telling me to go back to my hotel room but my entire body is drained, aching, and tired.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve slept in bed with me before. But if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll take the sofa.” Why does he always have to be a gentleman?

“I’m not uncomfortable.” I say “But I have to let Baudy outside.” I say and he offers to accompany me. He shows me his yard in the semi-dark. Baudy sniffs around while Ville smokes a cigarette and I stare off into the sky.

When we return to the house, he leads me upstairs. His room is in somewhat disarray. There are some clothes spilling out of a suitcase in a corner, a bed with no frame is up against the wall, unmade. While some women would have turned and fled, his disorganization is wonderful to me.

My own home is so sterile and organized it’s almost liberating to be somewhere where the placement of a throw pillow doesn’t matter.

He gives me some clothes to wear and a new toothbrush to use. When I come out of the bathroom, he’s propped up on some pillows reading a book with the light on beside the bed. It’s obvious he lives alone because there is only one bedside lamp.

I sit down on the edge but he motions for me to come closer to him. He’s reading Baudelaire. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and begins reading aloud. Before I know it I’m asleep in his arms.