Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

While sitting in the Helsinki airport waiting for my delayed flight, I begin searching for academic positions at the University of Helsinki. I received an email from the head of the Art History program there asking if I would be interested in a permanent position.

And I’m shocked to find that there are plenty of options within my fields of study. They have programs for Art History, Nordic Cultural Studies as well as Finance.

I immediately call Isak hoping to discuss it with him before I do something drastic in the name of a newborn love affair. But I’m taken aback and a little bit frightened when he tells me that he’s with Ville and Bo before hanging up on me.

My brothers like to mess around in my business. They both tried to date Callie before Isak was married, they stuck their noses in my relationship with Nils and made an awkward mess for all of us and they ratted me out to my father when they found out I was seeing a married man. So I’m just waiting for the negative repercussions of them meeting Ville.

I email the director of the Art History department at the University back just asking a few general questions about the position and the university.

I sink back into the uncomfortable airport seat and take a deep breath. Am I really willing to move to Helsinki? I could still do research and I could also teach. And I’d be in Finland. I’d be close to the only person who brings calm into my life.

After a 7 hour delay in Finland, I finally make it home. I pull into my garage and burst into tears. I’m so torn about where I want to be. Is Ville going to be worth the move to Finland? Does he even like me that much? He’s never said a word about caring more than casual dating but sometimes I catch him looking at me in a way I simply can’t describe in words.

When I’m over my crying jag, I head into the house. The air conditioning is running full force but the circulated air is stifling. I throw my bag onto the bed and storm through the house closing the blinds so I can get some sleep. But when all I can do is stare at the ceiling, I decide to call Isak back.

“Hello little sister,” he answers on the 2nd ring.

“Hi Isak,” I reply moodily.

“What’s the matter with you? I just met your boyfriend and he’s awesome. What do you have to be upset about?”

“Maybe I’m upset because he’s not technically my boyfriend? Or maybe I’m upset because I’ve possibly just begun applying for a teaching position at the University of Helsinki. Oh, Isak, what is wrong with me?” I cry.

“Elin, you’re in love. That’s what’s wrong with you. You’re finally doing things in your life that aren’t just for you.” He says rationally. Isak is my best friend. Bo and I are close as well but Bo just doesn’t get me the way that Isak does.

“I know I’m in love. But does being in love mean that I throw away everything I’ve built for myself without a cue from the other person?”

“Look, when I married Kiira I left Sweden, I started new work and I built something new with her. If Ville is the right guy for you, the life that you’ll build together will be infinitely better than the one you built alone.”

“I hate it when you make sense.” I say with a laugh. I wipe away my tears and continue on to a normal conversation with my brother. “How’d you meet him anyway? And how’d you know I’m seeing him?”

“Well we met through a mutual friend and you’d mentioned seeing someone and then someone brought up that Ville was seeing someone new. It came together. He’s really great though.” Isak says.

“I know he is.” I reply.

We talk about his family and Kiira’s pregnancy; she’s due in just a few weeks. It’ll be their first baby. Isak tells me about the film that he and Bo are releasing in Finland. I tell him about the merger Papa is working on. And as usual, Isak tells me that I work too hard and that I need to slow down or I’ll burn myself out before 25. For the first time, I almost believe him.

Even an hour or two after we hang up I’m still lying in bed and all I can hear is the air conditioning running through the vents. It’s a strange feeling to look around the home that you’ve created for yourself and realize that you may be just around the corner from giving it up. I wish it was a calming process but my mind is in torrents and nothing seems to make sense or lead to a conclusion.

Am I not meant to stay in Los Angeles, in the home I created? Am I simply meant to grow here? Is it was meant to prepare me for other things? I’ve finally built myself a world that I am in control of and I’m not sure I’d like to give anyone else any control.

Sometimes the stress of my little life just wears me down to a point where I can’t handle it anymore. The addition of Ville on top of my career and social life in Los Angeles is the last thing I can take. Without rhyme or reason, I just burst into tears for the second time today. Within minutes my pillow is damp with tears and I’m choking through sobs. One would think that Xanax would help with these little episodes but really it just suppresses so much that eventually you have to just break down.

Baudy curls up under my chin and whimpers. “I’m sorry, pup,” I say, rubbing his ears. “I just don’t know what to do. Do you want to move to Helsinki?” he raises his ears at my question and licks my nose.

I wake up in the morning to Callie jumping on my bed.

“Get up you whore bag.” She says in a happy voice. “Why didn’t you call me when you got in?”

“I was tired,” I reply grumpily.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Ville are all over the Finnish tabloids?” she asks and shoves a printed page in my hand. It’s headlined “Ville Valo’s Blonde Love Affair” I stare in disbelief at the image of Ville and me walking down the street hand in hand with Baudy trotting beside us. It’s taken from a side view and if Ville didn’t have a signature style, he wouldn’t be recognizable.

“Where did you get this?” I ask. “It’s not even a real magazine page. Are you just fucking with me?”

“It’s a scan. Someone in Finland found the magazine, scanned the article and posted it on a HIM forum.”

“I don’t have the capacity for this right now.” I say and shove the page back at her. She takes it graciously and disappears out of my bedroom.

Within a few minutes I can smell coffee and toast from the kitchen and decide it’s time to get up. I reluctantly pull myself out of my sheets and pull on some clothes before heading to the kitchen. When I arrive, Callie is pouring two cups of coffee.

“So I take it the reunion with Ville went well?” she asks, handing me my black coffee before adding cream and sugar to her own. She has a bright smile on her face.

“Yes,” I reply. “He was extremely understanding and sweet about everything and after we’d talked about it, we spent a lovely week together.” I flop down onto the bench in the nook of my kitchen. “I just can’t believe he’s for real.”

“He’s real alright.” Callie says and sits beside me. I just nod and lean my head onto her shoulder. “You need some sunlight. Let’s go tanning and swimming at the beach.”

I heartily agree and head into the bedroom to change and get ready for the beach. There are dark circles under my eyes and my skin is pallid. I do my best to fluff my hair into something decent looking and apply some sunscreen to my face.

When I’m dressed Callie and I walk down the path from my backyard down to the beach. The sun is warm and the breeze off the ocean is salty and cool.

We spread our towels on the sand and settle in for tanning. It used to be that whatever my problems were the sun could melt them away in a matter of minutes. But for some reason, now as I lay in the sunshine, my mind is still a torrent of anxious thoughts.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” She says so quietly that I almost don’t hear her over the breeze from the ocean.

“I’m thinking that I have to be crazy to care so much so soon.” I reply equally as quiet.

“Maybe he’s the one.”

“I don’t know Callie. I kind of believed there wasn’t going to be someone for me. I thought my work was my better half.” I say sadly.

“Nonsense, there is most definitely someone for you. Just hold on and see how it is when he comes here.”

“You can see how we look together.”

“Well from those tabloid photos I’d say you look amazing together.” She says with a smirk.

“What do you mean ‘photos’? You only had one.” I say, propping myself up on my elbows.

“You didn’t look. There were a few printed on the back of that sheet. There was one of you holding Baudy while Ville lights a smoke and one of you two kissing each other.” She says with a wink. “So I’d say you two look lovely together.”

“God, when will my embarrassment be complete?” I laugh and shake my head. I can’t understand why people would care to see Ville and me kissing on the street.

“Your birthday, that’s when your embarrassment will be complete,” She says with a wicked grin.

“Oh Callie, what on earth are you planning!” I ask with horror.

“Well you remember that guy I told you I’m seeing? The divorced one?” she asks and I nod. “Well he has some good ideas for your party.” I just smile and shake my head at her.

She’s been talking about this new guy for some time now. Apparently they met at a party in New York City and really hit it off. She says he’s a pro skater but he’s had TV shows and has been in movies.

“So I’ll be meeting him soon?” I ask.

“Oh no, he’s still on the east coast.” She says and rubs some more tanning lotion into her skin. Modeling agencies advice against real sun tanning but Callie can’t get enough of the sun.

After nearly 6 hours on the beach, Callie and I return to the house for aloe vera and dinner. We pull some sweats over our swim suits and raid my kitchen.

“I’m craving Toi.” I say as I peruse my terribly stocked fridge. All I have is a few sticks of celery and some yogurt. And the only thing in my cupboard is rice.

“Woman, you read my mind.” Callie says with a laugh.

So we get dressed in socially acceptable clothes and head down to Toi’s for Thai food. After dinner we wander around Sunset and it hits me that I really do love Los Angeles. But I also wish Ville was here beside me. As disturbed as I am by the tabloid photos of us, I just want to be with him with or without tabloid photos.

I’m beginning to know very well what my ceiling looks like. I haven’t slept a full night since I left Ville and I’ve picked out every object in my room and cataloged it in my mind. I’ve seen the shadows play on the walls and ceiling at all times of night and I’ve watched my dog sleep for hours on end.

It’s 3:00am now. While spending time on the beach and in the city with Callie helped my mood somewhat, now that it’s dark and I’m alone my body and mind return to their nearly comatose state. From what sounds like deep in the recesses of my imagination I hear the chime of my cell phone indicating a message received. I slowly extend my arm and grope blindly for my phone.

My heart skips a beat when I see it’s a message from Ville.

I miss you.

I sigh deeply and reply: “and I miss you.”

After hitting the send button I hold the phone tightly in my hand and begin to cry.

I don’t want to be this woman. I don’t want to cry because I’m away from a man. I want to be the strong one that is independent and self-reliant. But no matter how badly I crave that freedom from emotion, I am hopelessly lost on green eyes, gentle brown curls and elegant, artistic hands.