Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

Ville and the band have been in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months now. The album is in its final stages. I haven’t heard any of the finished tracks yet even though I have been in the studio a few times but from what I’ve heard it’s a new sound for the band.

It’s been brilliant to watch their process. I’ve always loved music and have worked with a few other bands but I’ve never really been apart of the recording process. Ville let me come in when the other members recorded their tracks but for some reason he always recorded vocals when I was out of town. He is truly an artist. Every sound is carefully crafted to fit his vision.

They are preparing to return to Finland by the end of the month. Ville’s departure will only mean another emotional roller coaster for me.

We’ve been having a lot of fun together in their short time in Los Angeles. Between the beaches, sight seeing in Hollywood, going out on the town and spending time alone with Ville, I have had the best 3 months of my life.

Ville and I share a love for Toi on Sunset, off beat concerts and antique furniture stores. On his days off from recording or in the evening when they’ve called it a night we play chess and checkers, do word puzzles and play Scrabble and we read together by the pool in my backyard. We cook together for the band and my friends. The band, Callie and I are now a tightly knit group.

It’s apparent that Ville and I are together. We hold hands, we go out together, and he spends the night. He is sweet and affectionate but still he has said nothing about where he wants us to go or how he feels. It’s frustrating for me because I’m in a limbo I can’t escape and both heaven and hell seem like imminent possibilities. I feel like I’m on the verge of a huge leap or fall but the catalyst has yet to present itself to me.

I want to tell him that I’m in love with him. I want to tell him that I’m thinking about moving to Helsinki. I know in my heart that he’s the one for me but I’m scared to say it and find out that I’m not the one for him.

I am decorating my backyard with Jason, one of my best friends in LA, for Callie’s birthday party tomorrow. We’re draping fabric, hanging pendant candles in the trees and making the final arrangements for music, food, and further decoration. The theme is fairly tale princess because, after all, Callie is a princess.

Jason is an interior decorator that I met when I had my first party in LA and now he helps me with all my parties and some of my interior decorating. He’s probably the gayest man I’ve ever met and he’s always there for Callie and I without fail. He comes for spa appointments and always comes out dancing with us. And he seems to know us better than we know ourselves.

“So why haven’t you told him how much you love him?” Jason asks and hands me another pendant to hang.

“Who?” I ask. I absentmindedly stick my tongue out while fastening the clasp of the chain. It snaps shut and takes a bit of skin off my finger. I turn to look at Jason with my finger stuck in my mouth attempting to stop the blood. He’s standing with his hands on his hips and a sassy look on his face. I jokingly mimic his pose.

“Don’t play dumb or cute with me, missy. You know exactly which tall, gorgeous Finnish musician I’m talking about.” He wags his finger at me.

“I’m scared.” I reply honestly, abandoning Jason’s pose and examining my finger while not looking at Jason.

“You’re scared? I didn’t think Miss Elin Märta Blix was afraid of anything.” He says with a smirk.

“Ha ha, very funny; you know I’m absolutely terrified of many things.” I say back and stick my tongue out at him.

“Tell me what’re you’re terrified of.” He passes me the last of the pendants and I hang them while I list off my fears.

“Snakes, spiders, heights, clowns, the dark and Jack Nicholson, and I’m sure there are more things I haven’t encountered yet.”

“You snowboard, ski, drive in LA traffic, own German shepherds and Dobermans, walk in 5 and 6 inch heels, and jet all over the world to business meetings with men who thing you’re just a piece of eye candy and hand them their balls. I can’t honestly believe you could be scared of sweet Ville Valo. He adores you. I think he’d worship the ground you walk on if he didn’t have pride. He cares for you more than Jyrki did.” Jason says reasonably.

“First, don’t bring up Jyrki. That was an epic mistake. The dogs live with Papa and heels are no problem, plus, Ville’s never said anything about adoring me.” I reply stubbornly.

“Does he have to say it? Can’t you see it?” Jason sighs with frustration.

“Maybe I’m too close to see it.” I sigh. He rolls his eyes and shrugs then goes rigid, staring off into the garden. I descend from the rock I was standing on and peer into the garden, hoping to see what he is looking at.

“Elin,” Jason says suddenly and grabs my arm. I let out a small yelp out of surprise.

“What?” I ask with a laugh. He looks so serious it’s hilarious.

“Maybe the new album is about you.” He says still staring straight ahead into the foliage of my garden.

“Don’t be outrageous.” I shake my head and snort with laughter. “I’m sure he had it all written before he even met me.”

“I would just die if it was about you. To know that Ville Valo had written an album, even a song about someone I know would make my little life.” He says with a sigh. He’s daydreaming and holding a candle lantern to his chest as if it were a baby. Jason is also a HIM fan. But unlike Callie, Jason thinks that Ville is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. He promises me that if Ville were gay, he’d fight me for him. I always have to remind him that if Ville were gay he wouldn’t be dating me.

“I’m sure it’s not. I’m sorry I can’t make your little life. Now hand me that lantern before you crush it.” I joke and he absentmindedly hands me the lantern.

When we’re done, my backyard is draped in white fabrics with colorful lanterns and votive holders hanging from the trees, among the plants of the garden and floating in the pool. My white patio furniture is wrapped in fabric and flowers in colors matching the lanterns. We haven’t used any pink, knowing that Callie will wear pink; we want her to stand out on her birthday.

“You know,” Callie begins while Jason, she and I take run on Venice beach in the morning before her party. “I have a feeling that this is the last birthday I’m going to have with Elin living in LA.” Jason nods vigorously.

The sun is warm but the breeze keeps us cool. It’s still early enough that the walkways aren’t crowded and we have room to run. The sunlight is gentle and I can tell it’s going to be a beautiful evening for Callie’s party.

“Am I going to die or something?” I laugh. “What epic event in my life did I miss?”

“I think you’re going to move away for Ville.” She says plainly with a wide smile. Again, Jason nods vigorously.

“You guys are unreal.” I shake my head. After our run and some tea and breakfast at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf we head for the car and High Voltage Tattoo.

“This is going to have to stop being our ritual, Callie. I’m going to run out of places to put tattoos!” I joke as I swing the door open. Jason and Callie enter ahead of me.

“You bitches! Jason, you look wonderful.” Kat calls happily when we enter her shop. “Happy birthday lady!” she hugs Callie and we catch up for a few moments before she gets right into getting us set up for our tattoos. Callie works with Camila because she’s getting a highly colored Buddhist inspired piece on her back and I work with Kat.

My tattoo incorporates the figures and the blood flower of the climax scene of the Salome tale with the peacock feathers from the front cover that Beardsley designed for Oscar Wilde from my left hip bone up to the top of my rib cage.

“Girl you look fantastic.” Kat gushes while she starts working. “What have you been up to?”

I tell her briefly about work, about dating a new guy and about possibly moving back to Scandinavia. I know that she knows Ville and I’m not sure I want to bring him up entirely. Everyone who knows him seems to tell me to marry him, move to Finland and have 80 million babies.

She tells me about the shop and the new guy she’s seeing and promises to be at Callie’s party. We talk the entire time she’s working and I barely pay attention to the pain in my side and the loud vibrating sound when the needle crosses one of my ribs.

“Ready to see it,” she asks and steps back so I can get up and take a look.

“Beautiful, once again, Kat. You’re brilliant.” I beam.

“This must be one hell of a man. I haven’t seen you this smiley in a long time.” She says leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed across her chest, surveying me.

“Oh, he is.” I reply. I can see Jason in the mirror and he winks at me.

After our tattoos, a nail and hair appointment and some shopping, we retreat to my house to get ready for the party.

“My boyfriend is coming tonight.” Callie says happily as I step out of the shower. She is finishing her hair. She’s straightened it out and pulled back her bangs. Not only do I envy her beauty but I envy her vibrant personality and flair for meeting new people. She’s my best friend because we’re nearly clear opposites. We complete each other like puzzle pieces and would probably get married if one of us was a man.

“No way, why didn’t you tell me!” I say excitedly and accidentally drop my towel.

“Damn girl! Are you getting skinnier!?” she cries out. “And man, that tattoo looks awesome.”

“I don’t think I’m getting skinnier.” I say defensively, wrapping myself in my bath robe and heading into the bedroom to get my clothes.

In true Callie fashion, we’re having a cocktail attire dance party. We shopped for many days trying to find the appropriate outfits for the party. It started out as a surprise party but Jason and his big mouth spilled the beans. Callie couldn’t be happier with the idea.

I put on my underwear and wrestle with Callie for some counter space to get ready. I dry my hair as usual but set it in rollers to define my curls. I’m not much for dramatic make up so I just do some simple black eye liner with a cream shimmer eye shadow and mascara. When I’m done, slip into my dress and shoes and head out into the yard.

Callie’s party is in full swing but her boyfriend has yet to show up. While she’s happy all of her friends are here, she’s getting more and more disappointed by the minute. Kat was both surprised and excited to see that Ville and I are together. Like I predicted, she told me to marry him, move to Finland have babies. Kat, like me, is eager to meet Callie’s new man.

Ville and I are slow dancing together while Callie dances with Jason. I lay my head against his chest and sigh. After the album is finished, I don’t know when I’ll ever see him again. They’ll go on tour and then my trips to Sweden and Finland will be pointless without trips to see Ville.

“What’s the matter darling?” he asks. He’s wearing his usual attire but I can tell it’s a new shirt. His jeans fit him perfectly and his converse shoes are worn and loved. The button-up shirt looks tailored. His curls are romantic around his face and his face is clean without any makeup. I always like Ville better without any of the eyeliner.

“Oh, I’m just upset that Callie’s boyfriend isn’t here.” I lie. He tightens his arm around my waist, pulling me closer into him.

“And you’ve been upset about that for a few days?” he asks with a chuckle. “Tell me what’s really wrong.” I both hate and love how perceptive of me he is. He notices when I haven’t slept well, when I haven’t eaten breakfast, when I sigh too much or too loudly, he notices every tiny change in my mood.

“I’ve just been wondering when I’ll see you again after you leave LA.” I answer. I look up and I see in his face the same worry. I smile gently at him and he smiles back.

“You know you’ll have a ticket to every show on the tour, right? I wish I could think of an excuse to get you to come for the whole tour.” he says and places his forehead against mine.

“I didn’t know that but I’ll have to come to a few.” I know that he’s trying to make me feel better but a ticket to a concert whenever I want isn’t going to cut it. For the first time in my life I want a real commitment.

“Elin,” he begins. “I always have such a hard time with this, but I” before he can finish, he’s cut off by a booming voice calling his name excitedly from across the yard. We both turn to look and I see Callie happily hanging on the arm of a man I recognize but can’t place.

“Bam,” Ville calls back half excitedly and half wearily. He keeps his arm snug around my waist. “How are you?” he says as Callie and Bam approach.

“I’m excellent. How funny is it that we ended up dating best friends and didn’t even know it! I’m Bam,” he says and extends his hand to me.

“Elin,” I reply simply. I’m running through scenarios in my head of what Ville could have been about to say. In my wildest dream, he was about to tell me that he loves me.

We all chat and it turns out that Bam and Ville have been friends for many years and that Bam is a huge HIM fan. Callie met Bam at a party in New York City for a friend and they’d hit it off. I recognize him because Callie and I used to watch Jackass and Viva La Bam all the time.

Callie comes alive once Bam is around and it makes me happy to see her so happy. I dance with Ville while she and Bam dance beside us. Callie and I sing words of romantic songs to each other.

When it is nearly morning and all of the guests have gone, Ville and I retreat to my bedroom while Callie and Bam crash in my guestroom. The guestroom is pretty much Callie’s room since no one else really comes to stay with me.

I slowly take of my makeup and brush my teeth. I change out of my dress and into my pajamas methodically. My mind is not on any of these tasks; it’s concentrated on how much of a fool I’ve been to think that Ville would love me as much as I love him.

I climb into bed beside him and he opens his arms and wraps them protectively around me. With my tired mind and body I fall asleep almost immediately. Unfortunately I would have heard what I wanted to hear if I’d stayed awake only a moment longer.

Moments after I fall asleep, Ville gently pushes some of my hair away from my face.

“Oh Elin,” he whispers, “rakastan sinua, kultaseni.”