Love in Theory and Practice: Chapters 1-13

I’ve been in heaven since August. Recording has been great but spending time with Elin and getting to know her even more has been incredible. Unfortunately I am well aware that heaven is only a few steps from hell. Returning without Elin to my lonely home in frozen Helsinki sounds as close as I can possibly get to being in hell.

After Callie’s party I am convinced that Elin is the one for me. Watching her dance and sing along with Callie, holding her in my arms and singing to her, I knew I never wanted to let go. She is radiant, sparkling and entrancing. She encompasses everything I think a woman should be. She’s strong, independent yet willing to rely on me. She can be casual and formal and looks beautiful no matter what.

I’ve learned so much more about Elin over the last few months. It’s amazing to me because I felt like I knew everything about Jonna within a few months. I felt that there would be nothing else to learn and things stopped being new and exciting. But with Elin I seem to learn something new every day.

She is always learning new things and is always anxious and eager to share with me, whether it’s a new piece of art, a novel or an obscure film. She’s the most responsive and caring lover I’ve ever had and it’s shocking to me that a man in his 30s can still learn about sex. It’s also shocking to me that such a beautiful young woman would even be interested in me.

Every time I try to tell Elin how much I love her something catches my tongue or interrupts me. It breaks my heart because I know I want to share my life with her but because I am so slow to share my feelings aloud, in a direct way, I can feel her pulling away from me.

The entire album explains my torment over her. I can’t figure out what’s best for her. Does she need the walls she’s put up for herself or does she need someone to pull them down and built new ones with her? Will we be happy if one of us gives up our home and moves for the other? I’ve thought about moving to LA but I’m not sure if it is a city that would make me happy. I’d miss the festivals in Scandinavia, the aura of Helsinki and the atmosphere of Finland. But I know she’d miss the sunshine, the beach and the home she’s created for herself.

“Okay,” she laughs. “Do we have everything now?” She’s standing with one hand on her hip and the other is wrapped tightly around my waist.

Callie lugs her duffle down from her apartment and Bam is behind her with his own bag.

“Why do we have to leave so early?” Bam asks with a huff after throwing his back in the trunk.

“Well, we have to make it there today and it’s a 14 hour drive.” Elin says plainly with a shrug. “We always leave this early.” Callie nods vigorously. Clearly they are both only morning people if it’s their own idea to be up at 4:00am.

Elin was packed and had her bags in the car yesterday. She picked me up from my hotel at 4:00 am. We arrived at Callie’s apartment at 4:30 and they were supposed to be ready. But Elin says it’s natural for Callie to be late. Elin really wanted to leave at 5:00am so she told Callie 4:30.

We’re going to Oregon to see the University of Oregon Ducks play football. Though Elin went to UCLA, the University of Oregon is her 2nd favorite college football team.

How she ever convinced me to go to a football game is beyond me. I’m not a sports fan. But the trip sounded like fun and I haven’t seen much of Bam since his divorce. Once all the bags are in the car, the dogs are settled and we’re all seat belted in, we set off. Baudy and Ole are happily lounging in the laps of their owners and Elin absentmindedly rubs Baudy’s ears occasionally.

Elin and Callie are both lively and talkative in the car, well all the time really. Bam and I try to get some extra sleep but the music along with their laughter keeps us happily awake.

Trips to Oregon football games are just one of the many yearly activities they do together. They get tattoos on Callie’s birthday and travel to Sweden on Elin’s. They also have annual parties for various occasions during the year. They are like sisters and I cannot even think to separate them. Their tightly knit friendship is a painful reminder for me that while my band mates are still my best friends, our lives are in completely different places now.

A few hours into the drive, Baudy climbs out of Elin’s lap despite her attempts to get him back and crawls through the car into my lap. She laughs and winks at me in the rear view mirror. The fluffy little dog and I have become rather good friends over the last few months. When I stay at Elin’s he snuggles between us, under the covers.

Elin drums on the steering wheel, sings along with Callie, drives faster or slower depending on the song, and weaves through traffic like a maniac. While I don’t drive myself and know very little about driving in general, experience of riding in cars tells me that Elin is an excellent driver and that she enjoys driving. Her usual car is her beloved Mercedes G55 AMG, but her other car is an Aston Martin. She’s taken it out a few times and we’ve driven around the California country side.

When the conversations die out, the music is all that is left. Callie made a few play lists for the drive to Oregon. It’s an incredibly varied assortment of music but the girls seem to know every word to every song.

The songs on the play list range from groups like MGMT and Band of Horses to Motley Crue and other Classic Rock bands then to Lil’ Wayne and Pitbull. Callie blushes deeply when “Funeral of Hearts” comes up.

“You can’t say you didn’t know he’d be in the car.” Elin jokes.

“Well I forgot but I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear it.” Callie says shyly and moves to change it but Elin slaps her hand away.

“I’m the driver and this is my favorite one.” Elin says with a laugh. She’s told me here and there about her opinions on the band. And I swell with pride knowing that she likes my work.

Elin’s phone begins to ring and interrupts the song through her stereo speakers. Apparently in Los Angeles it’s illegal to use your phone in the car unless it is hands free so Elin’s phone is magically attached to her car.

“Blix,” she answers.

“Elin,” a female voice fills the car.

“Hej Lisbeth,” Elin replies rolling her eyes.

“How are you?” Lisbeth asks in English.

“I’m fine. How are you?” Elin replies curtly, also in English.

“I’m excellent. Listen, I’m just calling because I’m thinking about having Christmas at my house this year. I can’t convince Bo or Isak to come and Dad will only go where the majority goes. So I was wondering if you’d agree to come to my place; I know Isak and Bo will go if you do.” I gather from the conversation that this is her sister on the line.

“I’d rather go to Papa’s for Christmas. I already have plans with Isak and Bo in Helsinki for New Years.” Elin says. “Varför inte Svenska?” she asks. What plans does she have in Helsinki? My heart soars at the prospect of possibly seeing her around Christmas.

“Aw, Elin,” her sister says with a whine that reminds me horribly of Jonna. “Why do you want to go to Sweden? We’d all have so much more fun in New York. What are you doing in Helsinki?”

“Isak and Bo want to go to a concert. I don’t want to go to NYC, Lisbeth. I want to go to Papa’s.” Elin repeats stubbornly.

“You always do this! You think that because you were Mom’s favorite that you can just make all the decisions!” Her sister yells loudly. Callie flinches in the front seat.

“Isak and Bo have made decisions as well. Lisbeth, can we talk about this later?” Elin asks. She’s frustrated and from exhausted tone of her voice I can tell that this is a recurring argument.

“No Elin! We can’t talk about this later! I want to decide now and I want you to know what a brat you are! You are not better than me!” her sister yells.

“How could I be better than you Lisbeth? You have a beautiful home, a beautiful husband, and beautiful kids. I’ll always be lower than you because I’m unmarried and don’t have children. I will not come to your house so that you can shove in my face all the things I’ve failed to obtain.” Elin says sarcastically back to her sister in a frightening monotone. She has not raised her voice but the tone is enough to make Baudy bury his face into the crook of my elbow.

“You’re right, Elin, you have failed to obtain the important things in life. I moved for a new life with my husband but you moved to escape the life you had in Sweden. Nils would have loved and taken care of you but you pushed him away. You’ve alienated me. Isak and Bo are the only ones you really talk to anymore. Isak says you have a new boyfriend; I hope he doesn’t love you Elin, because God knows you’re incapable of loving him back.” Her sister roars. “You’ll be alone forever. I hope you rot in the grave you’ve dug for yourself. And I”

“Lisbeth, when you’re going to speak, at least know what you’re talking about.” Elin says harshly and hangs up the call.

She seems unaffected by the incident. She calmly apologizes for her sister and turns the music back on. Bam looks at me with terror in his eyes and Callie rubs Elin’s arm

“Just ignore her, Els.” Callie says quietly.

“I always do.” Elin replies. She turns the music down and takes a quick look at me in the rear view mirror before explaining her sister. “Lisbeth is very high strung. She thinks that because she’s the oldest sibling that she gets to be the boss but Isak, Bo and I get along together and usually go against her. She’s been bullying us to go to her house in New York for Christmas ever since she moved there but no one wants to have it anywhere else than where we used to have it with Mama.”

“What happened to your mom?” Bam asks.

“She died when I was 17.” Elin says simply, seemingly unwilling to elaborate.

After a few more hours of driving, Callie takes over the wheel. Elin comes to sit in the backseat with me. She sits in the middle seat rather than the side and snuggles into me before falling asleep.

With her head resting gently on my leg and her arms wrapped tenderly around Baudy, I start tracing the lines of her face with the tips of my fingers. Her chest rises and falls smoothly with her breath. Just like in Helsinki, London and Los Angeles, the simple rhythm of her breathing is enough to enchant me into a daydream. I don’t care about what her sister said; I love Elin and that’s all there is to it.

“She loves you, you know.” Callie says from the driver’s seat, surprising me out of my trance. I smile but don’t say anything. “If you break her heart, I’ll kill you.” She smiles sweetly at me and I can’t help but laugh.

“You don’t have to worry about that, Callie.” I say and resume tracing the contours of Elin’s face.

After the game the next day the girls retire hoarse but laughing to the hotel. Bam and I enjoyed the game but mainly only because watching Elin and Callie scream at players and coaches was incredibly entertaining.

We didn’t talk much in the hotel room after arriving in Oregon. Everyone was tired from the drive and Elin passed out almost immediately. She’d done about 10 hours of driving. I’d read until I fell asleep as well.

Elin climbs into bed almost completely exhausted. We’d walked around town all day and the game had been a late one. I slip in beside her and she smiles gently at me.

“Did you enjoy the game?” she asks and her smile turns sly. “I know how much you don’t like sports.”

“I had a good time. It was fun to watch you and Callie coaching a football team from the sidelines. Perhaps you have a future as a football coach.” I joke and she laughs her musical laugh.

“Will you read to me for awhile, darling?” she asks sleepily. I agree and get our favorite copy of Baudelaire from my backpack.

“Elin,” I say after getting back in bed.

“Mm,” she replies. Her eyes are beginning to close and Baudy is tucked in under her arm.

I slide down from my seated position and cuddle up with her. She buries her face into the crook of my neck and begins to hum her lullaby.

“Elin, I love you.” I breathe. She immediately stops humming and leans her head back to look at me.

“I love you.” She says and wraps her arms around my neck. Baudy gets crushed between us but doesn’t seem to mind. She presses her lips to mine and for once in my life I feel entirely complete, like there isn’t a single thing missing in my life.

I have a career that is fulfilling and enjoyable, the best friends a man can ask for, my family is warm, loving, and supportive, and the woman I love loves me back.

I wake up in the morning tangled in the sheets and Elin’s arms and legs. She’s cooing at Baudy who is lying across her chest. When she sees that I’m awake she gently moves him and moves closer to me.

“Good morning,” she whispers. But before I can say anything back, the door of our room bursts open and Bam comes charging in with a video camera. “What the fuck?” she exclaims unhappily.

“Good morning, fuckers!” Bam cries. Elin just grabs some sheet and makes her way to the bathroom, shutting the door in Bam’s face. “Well she’s not very happy this morning.” He jokes.

“Actually, she’s very happy this morning. I don’t think she likes your surprise entrances.” I say, laughing. “Maybe try again later with more warning; try knocking?”

“Knocking takes all the fun out of life, Valo.” Bam says before flopping on the bed beside me where Elin had been and turning on the TV.