Stories from the Back of His Motorcycle

I stared at the unusual car parked outside of my house as we rounded the final bend. Vaughn pecked my cheek as I departed but I barely noticed. My attention was too focused on the young couple quickly moving out of the car.

I felt sick when I saw Ross standing there, the shock of it rooting me to where I had been striding purposefully forward. All my intentions of appearing in control and composed flew away with the sight of my eldest brother standing on the sidewalk in front of my house.

It wasn’t until Ross’ arm curled around a blonde did I notice there was anyone else with him. I took in a sharp inhale of breath and let the motion of moving forward float into me again. Vaughn was already revving his motorcycle when I turned to wave him off. It was surreal but I faked a smile for him, he deserved to see my best side after the day he’d given me.

“Alice,” Ross’ voice was deeper, rougher. He looked not only older but sharper, as if he’d seen enough of the world to know who he really was. I sincerely hoped that whoever he was now would be mature enough to take his shoes off when he passed the front door, and explain to his baby sister why he’d left and not returned for years.

“Hi Ross.” I stepped closer but still just out of reaching distance.

“This is El,” he beamed down at the blonde as if she were the only thing in the world. I held in my glare to concentrate my focus onto her instead, onto this offered ‘El’. She was beautiful enough, slightly short though, and blonder than was naturally possible. In many ways she was just an older version of all the other girls Ross had dated through my childhood. I didn’t believe it would last much longer; my brother tried too hard on the girls who just wanted to let go.

“I’m his fiancé,” she thrust her hand at me, displaying an impressive diamond ring on the finger which my Mom had constantly removed hers from. I hadn’t seen that coming.

It was too much too soon. I had just seen my eldest brother for the first time in four years, just found out he had a fiancé and we hadn’t even gone inside. The sickness from before returned like a sharp blow to the stomach. I wanted to double-over from in it but instead placed my best smile on and directed them in the house.

“You must be tired from your journey, let’s go inside.”

It was surreal strolling up the path, eyes focused solely on my chipped door. I didn’t want to turn to acknowledge the following couple even though I was much too aware of them being there. At any given moment I would be returned to reality where the universe would have realigned itself and I wouldn’t have to face my past so head-on. It was one thing holding a phone conversation with your forgotten brother, it was quite another to meet him and his fiancé after years apart.

The door wasn’t locked even though I distinctly remembered locking it when I left for work. That could only mean one of two things; that Dad had returned or Mom had left. I didn’t want to contemplate either, I just wanted to waken from this dream and not have Ross suddenly place a hand on my shoulder. I jerked away from the physical contact, not liking how his hand felt like a stranger’s.

The smell of Dad’s cologne still made up most of the house’s scent so one could almost trick oneself into believing he was just around the corner. I felt angry as I stepped over the threshold; I wanted to grab any and all perfumes I owned and massacre the house of his trace.

“It’s so quiet,” Ross murmured from behind me. I couldn’t picture the house being anything other than quiet, as it had been for the last few years.

“There’s nobody here to fill the silence,” I shrugged and made my way stiffly to the kitchen. Ross’ fiancé took off her coat and hung it on the lonely peg, the frilly garment taking up enough room to make it appear whole. I hoped they didn’t stay long. Their presence was already too oppressive.

“Where’s Mom?” Ross appeared in the doorway. I didn’t look up from making the couple tea – I remembered how Ross used to glug down the stuff as if it were water. He had been a caffeine addict ever since he was old enough to manage the kettle.

It occurred to me that I didn’t know the answer. I hadn’t seen her in days, assuming she was still locked in the spare room as some kind of protest to the world. But the unlocked front door made me bite my lip and really wonder if she was even here at all.

“She’s out with some friends,” I lied. It was one thing admitting to Ross that I had lost us Dad; I didn’t think I could take doing the same for Mom. I placed the steaming mugs on the table and finally met the woman’s curious stare.

“Why you’re so pretty!” El exclaimed, her voice piercing the silence completely. I inwardly winced. “Isn’t she lovely Ross? Why don’t you have any recent pictures of her? I’ve only seen the one where you’re tiny and dribbling,” she laughed like this was just too funny.

Ross smiled briefly and I suppressed my unease by pretending to search for something in the cupboards. They were far too normal to be in this house, El sitting in the very seat Mom had sat in just days before. The juxtaposition of the two women was alarming. Mom had been crushed and hopeless whereas El was sparkling and ready for life. It made me feel even sicker.

“When Ross told me that his baby sister was living here alone coping with this then I insisted that we just had to come. It’s not right, sweetheart, what they put you and Ross through. I’m almost glad that your Dad left.” She babbled on but I didn’t have the strength to let her words make me angry. The only person I was truly angry at was Ross for, not only spewing our family’s secrets to some airhead, but also only coming home only when tragedy had gripped us. And that he had a fiancé? Since when? Did that not even require a phone call?

Ross’ eyes were still examining the room closely. I could only imagine how much everything had changed since he left. Mom had decided that the kitchen just simply wasn’t working, so six months after they had all evacuated she made Dad rearrange everything so even the kitchen reflected how much had been distorted.

“I’m so sorry that we haven’t ever met before, but Ross has told me much about you, so I feel like we’re already best friends. You simply have to be my maid of honour for the wedding.”

I blinked at the empty shelves of one cupboard before slowly turning to see if she was serious. I had obviously been wrong about Ross’ choice of fiancé being the same as the others, she was stark raving mad.

“It’s quite a coveted position,” Ross grabbed El’s hand on the table “she has all of her many friends clambering for the spot.”

It didn’t feel right talking about a possible wedding when the very foundations of this house were upturned. It held the same essence as laughing at a funeral. I gulped at the sight of pure adoration in front of me and repressed the urge to take off running. They were like the epitome of love, if it existed, the embodiment of a fiction.

“Uh... I’ll have to think about it,” were the only non-curse words which came to mind.

El looked quite taken aback by the knowledge that someone wasn’t fighting for her glorious position. I twiddled with my hands nervously and glanced at the clock. It had gone 7 so dusk was quickly approaching. I just wanted to lie in my bed and dream of the day Vaughn had created for me, play with the fantasy for a few stupid moments before going to sleep.

“I have school tomorrow so...” I smiled tightly, hoping that they’d catch the rather obvious hint. El seemed unfazed but Ross rose to his feet, his tea left untouched. A sudden spasm of terror clutched my body at the thought that they might stay here. It was, after all, still Ross’ house too. I couldn’t bear having to wake up to them, how they were both so sunny and positive and naive. I wanted to shake them and bring them back from whatever high they were so clearly on. This wasn’t some vacation, some family trip; this was what my life had disintegrated into.

“We’ll swing by tomorrow to check on you, see that you have everything and how Mom’s doing,” Ross took El’s hand again and led her out into the hallway. He looked so natural here, his dark red hair skimming just under the doorframe like it had years previous. If it wasn’t for the laughter lines and bubbly blonde, I could almost pretend that time had never elapsed.

“Goodbye Sweetheart, thank you so much for the tea. I simply cannot wait to take you shopping or out to lunch so we can really get to know each other. Like I said we’re going to be best friends.” She had enveloped me in her arms before I could quite decide where I was. She smelt softly of cinnamon. I hugged her loosely back before subtly pushing her away.

“Goodbye,” I smiled faintly, not having quite made up my mind about her. Ross stepped forward towards me but I took a pointed step back. His touch was too unusual and my anger was too fresh. He smiled sadly at me, quickly running a hand messily through my hair like only the eldest brother was entitled to do. Tears stung my eyes but I blinked them back and waved at the strange couple.

When I closed the door, I almost collapsed back onto it. I felt so out of place, as if it were me that should have left and not them. Slowly, I climbed the stairs to investigate what I had been subconsciously avoiding all week. The spare room’s door was still shut but this time I chose to try and open it, no longer scared about what I would find but rather what I wouldn’t. Memories of looking for Dad days earlier poured through my very being. I squinted through the semi-darkness as the door swung open before me.

My finger found the light switch quickly so the room was illuminated in sharp colours. She wasn’t there – of course she wasn’t there. She was a runner; it’s what she was best at. I fumbled numbly around, tracing the upturned sheets on the bed and the crinkled pillows. I wondered if she had been here this morning, if I had walked past this door and unknowingly missed the chance to make her stay, or to at least say goodbye.

Like last time, I sat on the bed before curling up into myself. I shut out everything. There was only Vaughn. Vaughn fighting. Vaughn driving. Vaughn kissing. Vaughn in pain. Vaughn holding me. Then there was a knock at the front door, destroying whatever dream I had created.

I returned to the hall and opened it, much too numb to just forget routine. And there he stood; the exact person I had been imagining. His hair was black in the dim hall light, his eyes flashing and the helmet tucked under his arm. “I forgot to tell you something,” he was strangely almost breathless. I was instantly alert; worried that he was hurt again.

“Yes?” my voice masked everything.

“I didn’t just punch Josh for you; I punched him for me too.”

It seemed that Vaughn released something within me which let whatever pent up emotion I had suddenly run free. There were tears building behind my eyes and I couldn’t suppress them. He made me feel like it was okay to cry.

“I know,” I whispered, my voice hoarse with the emotion.

He scrutinized me quickly and had instantly stepped over the threshold and shut the front door. I turned away from him, not wanting to let him in. Not wanting to let him see me for everything I was and how weak circumstances had made me. I wanted to be the strong Alice everyone saw, still hoping I could claw back to that with Vaughn.

“I like you Alice,” his fingertips gently caressed my cheek and turned my face towards his. “A hell of a lot more than Josh does.”

The tears surfaced then. “Just don’t say the ‘L’ work, okay?” I forced out. He wiped away any tears and brought me closer.

“Not yet anyway.”