Stories from the Back of His Motorcycle

I was a horrible person.

I’d made him say it, made him confess to something he didn’t want to, just so that I could have my sick little confidence boost. And it wasn’t even enough to make me feel good because I was too consumed with the knowledge that I was dreadful. That I couldn’t say it back.

The silence between us wasn’t an expectant one. I think he understood there was no way he’d hear me return the sentiment. It was far too soon and far too unreachable. Love for me was still something fictional; something of make believe that I’d seen fail so many times it seemed hollow and dangerous.

Still, tingles shot up my spine and my eyes widened. Those words, even though unbelievable, were beautiful. They made me feel wanted, gave me the confidence to wrap my arms completely around Vaughn and bury my head into his chest. I inhaled him slowly and wished that time would pause there forever so I could just escape into him. He was escapism. He was perfect. And I didn’t deserve any of it.

It was while I still sat comfortably with him that I felt everything in my head snap. The bang resounding around my head made it throb as if my thoughts exploding had been a physical force. I could almost hear my ears ringing. It was Delia and Mom and Dad and Ross and school and Vaughn and his illness and my own disfiguring inadequacies. They were all stored up in my mind, piling on top of each other, clawing at everything and anything. If you opened up my head there’d no doubt be remnants of their need to get out.

It had been going on for years, was a habit stemming back to when I’d have to put on a brave face and go to school. Times when I’d have to leave my Mom crying on the kitchen floor to hold Ross’ hand as we’d leave for normal life. Times when I’d open the front door and wish for nothing more than to leave, not even one step in the house.

“Mom left,” came tumbling out of my mouth, debris from my mind.

For a few moments it was as if Vaughn hadn’t heard me, as if I hadn’t just messed everything up even further. I snuggled into his chest only to find him recoiling from me. And then I knew that I had blown it.

“Wh-what?” His eyes were unbelieving. His expression was already angry. I wondered if it was me he was cross at, if my bottling that up made him want to leave and never come back.

“She’s not here,” I said carefully.

“But I don’t…” he trailed off, eyes glassy as if looking back at something invisible to me. I watched confusion trace lines in his forehead and had to hold back my hand from tracing them.

There was no taking back what I had said, no way for me to snatch back the words which had already escaped. Yet, strangely, I was glad they were out there. Even if Mom being gone was just the tip of a very large ice burg it was still less for my mind to cope with. The feeling of weightlessness overcame me almost as completely as the panic had so the two emotions tugged me in two directions. I wondered if I’d split in two, if the pieces of me would finally find freedom.

“How long has she been gone?” Vaughn asked, his face suddenly composed and serious. “How long have you been here alone?”

“Well technically Nick’s been living here for a while,” I protested weakly.

“For a few weeks at best.” Vaughn was angry. That much was obvious. “But I want to know how long you have been here alone?” I’d never heard his tone so cold and smooth before. It was like pressing your cheek against cold granite, the instant reaction was to pull sharply away.

Struggling slightly in his arms, I flickered my gaze away from his, feeling suddenly ashamed. Maybe it had been wrong to keep that from him, maybe those nights I’d come home to a lonely, empty house I could have taken Vaughn in with me.

“A month or two.”

He inhaled sharply before shaking his dark hair away from his eyes. “That’s a long time without anyone else here.”

I shrugged “I’m used to looking after myself – it was no big deal.”

That was a lie; I’d struggled to make meals for myself and ended up having packaged food most days to avoid using the oven in case I caused it to explode. The silence in the house had been horrible. A constant reminder of Mom and Dad’s absence. With Nick there it was easy to forget how dreadful living alone had been.

He stood up abruptly so my body half fell from his, my back pressing against the couch material. I watched him leave the room. By the way his shoulders were pinned sharply back and neck stiff I could tell he was fuming. I debated following him or not, rifling through the pros and cons before realising that none of that held any substance. I just wanted to make Vaughn happy, to please him, and having him angry at me made everything unbearable.

He was there in my kitchen as I leant heavily on the doorframe. His fingers drummed against the cold tabletop, the sound of it echoing around the room as if it were just us in emptiness.

I didn’t want to look at Vaughn anymore. I was sick to death of finding no flaws in his face and then having to remind myself to keep my guard up. It was getting so hard to do. But just one small dismissive gesture from him could break me because he was so close now. So close to the girl I’d been hiding for years, a truth that had been driving me slowly insane. I knew he couldn’t save me from the world and I was scared to death of being left behind in it.

Yes, it was getting harder to keep my guard up. Especially with him sitting seemingly calmly down at my kitchen table, but I still knew he was still furious. I could practically taste it in the air. His fingers never pausing.

He was focused on the door over my shoulder so intently that I fought off the notion to examine it myself. So he didn’t want to look at me either? Fine. I’m sure he’d have a great time staring at the different indentations in the wood, giving away how many times it had been slammed forcefully. Just another thing mistreated in this house and left alone to wither. I wondered if my scars were so obvious.

“Vaughn,” I started strong but my voice died in my throat when he finally turned grey orbs onto me. I swallowed the words, surrendering the notion to carry on any further.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t important. You have your own life to worry about Vaughn, this is mine. Just because I sit next to you in English doesn’t mean I have to share every little secret.” I didn’t want to talk about his illness. ‘You have your own fight for life to worry about,’ would have just stuck soberly in the air not to mention in my throat.

“But you told me about your Dad leaving. You could have told me about this too.”

“I was weak then,” I turned away from him but heard the leg chairs protest against the floor. He was advancing.

“You’re never weak,” he snarled “sharing isn’t weak.”

“What about you then, huh?” I twisted to observe him with cold eyes. I had to mend that wall between us before he managed to take even one step closer. But he did – he stepped closer. I watched him but was too weak to put my hands out.

“I told you about me.”

“Not straight away.”

“It’s not something I want to fucking shout about Alice. ‘Hey everyone, my name’s Vaughn Hart and I’m dying’!”

It broke my heart to hear him say this. I had been numb before but now it was impossible to shut myself down. His words hit harder than I could imagine, almost bowling me off my feet.

“Well it’s not something I want to share with others either Vaughn. So what? My family just left me? That shouldn’t shape how others perceive me.”

“Don’t give me that. You don’t put yourself out there far enough to even be perceived. This isn’t about a facade; this is about your fear of opening up to others.”

“Okay,” I reached out and rested two hands on his chest only to push him even further away. “I’m scared. You happy now? I’m fucking terrified.”

“I’m not happy at all Alice,” he grabbed the hands still pressed against his chest “I don’t want you to be afraid.”

“Well I am. And you’re just making it worse by breaking through all my barriers.”

He tugged me closer but I resisted, allowing him only to link our fingers together.

“Don’t you want to feel alive for a minute Alice? To just forget about all that horrible past?”

“What makes you think it can be forgotten so easily? I’m still living it here Vaughn. My Mom won’t come back home, Nick will be just as supportive as he always is and I’ll have to just get on with everything. I can’t fix anything.” I stomped my foot in frustration.

“But you don’t have to fix it all, just escape for a while. Let your guard down,” Vaughn raised my cold, purple hand up to his cheek. The heat from him penetrated through my skin as if my entire body was consumed by him.

“Is it really that simple?”

“It is when you’re around me. Pissing me off and making me all protective and causing me to tell you things I’ve never told anyone else.” He smiled then and tears sparked to my eyes as I recognised this smile. It was mine. But I didn’t know how long I’d get to see if before he was gone. And that thought tore me apart. And made me step forward into his awaiting arms.

“She’ll come back.” He didn’t know this, couldn’t know this, but it made me feel better. I needed Vaughn and so I trusted him.

“Just as long as you stay with me,” I sighed “then it doesn’t matter.” I felt him stiffen through my arms, the way his entire body tensed up. Worried I had hurt or upset him, I peered up into his face and saw a great big, dark grin making his eyes dance.

“Baby, I’ve been waiting for you to say that for a long time.”

“Oh God,” I groaned, rolling my eyes playfully.

He smirked and brought me even further into his arms. He wasn’t afraid of me hurting him or getting too close. I was already past that, piercing his thick armour so deeply I could have reached out and touched his failing heart. It made me want to cry again just thinking about why Vaughn was rushing into this so boldly. Why he’d told me he loved me so early on.

“Look at me Alice,” he whispered gently. A hand was sweeping my hair away from my neck so the weight was briefly lifted. I met his eyes again and traced the fading bruises across his high cheekbones. “Focus on the now. Focus on me, in this moment, here with you.” He nuzzled his face into my neck.

I smiled at the wall as his lips left kisses along my collar bone. “You’re going to be the death of me Vaughn,” I murmured but he couldn’t hear me. He was lost in grasping my skin between his moist lips. I moaned out but still felt tears tickle my nose. He was dangerously close now but I couldn’t push him away. He was too precious, too perfect. And the emotions I felt when I kissed him were enough to shut away all my doubt and hurt, even if just for a little while.