Stories from the Back of His Motorcycle

Vaughn didn’t come.

I was waiting for him by my front door, wearing my favourite skirt and the happiest smile I could conjure. The sun smiled down with me. Everything seemed happy that morning as if nothing in the world could ruin anybody’s moods, as if we would all stay like that forever.

It was the warmest day of the year so far and, if I focused my eyes just enough, I could already make out the gaggle of girls flashing their tanned skin around like nobody’s business on their way to school. Their hair would shine in the sun’s rays. Their eyes would sparkle with the promise of summer. Their skin would soak up everything and anything, inviting us to reach out and touch them. It was days like these I used to hate, they would make me feel ugly and inadequate, they would make me envious of those girls surrounding me. Of course it was because of Vaughn that I wouldn’t feel that today. He didn’t allow me for even a split second to wonder why I wasn’t as pretty as the rest of the world. In his eyes I felt just as pretty.

And so I had tried today, just for him. That’s who the skirt was for, and that’s why I’d plaited my hair, and that’s why I’d blushed my cheeks. I’d wanted to shine just as brilliantly as the other girls for Vaughn. I’d wanted to show him that everything he’d ever said and everything he’d ever felt was justified because I could be just as lovely as them. I didn’t want to be a disappointment.

Today was going to be a good one; I felt it in my very bones.

And so I settled myself on the doorstep and rested elbows on my freckled knees. Waiting for Vaughn was fine because he was always there in the end. I had grown to depend on him, he’d never let me down before, so I had no reason to believe he would today. I had no idea that today would be different.

It took me an hour of sitting there to realise that.

My rational side took over almost immediately, grateful to be in control for once. I knew there was no way I could walk to school if I wanted to make it before lunch and there was even less chance of me getting a lift from anyone. Nick was down at the local music store selling CDs, Delia was no doubt already daydreaming in Chemistry, and Vaughn seemed to have disappeared. I was stuck at my house and the school bell had rung over thirty minutes ago.

Months ago when my school attendance had been perfect I wouldn’t have thought twice about just taking the day off. Heck, it was one measly day. All of my teachers would understand that there wasn’t any way I could make it there for a reasonable time. But with the amount of time I’d already missed, I had a feeling their views on it would be far more suspicious. Their views on me would be too.

I spun my body around, the skirt whisking out like a carousel, all bright colours and oval shapes. My fists were clenched together and my fingernails were leaving horse-shoe prints all over the pale skin. I was mad too. There was anger buried behind the need to get to school and I was sure as soon as my mind processed Vaughn’s absence I’d be fuming.

There were no messages on my phone. Not once had Vaughn tried to contact me. He’d given no reasons, no explanations, no warnings. And it was my fault for depending on him so completely because it was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Didn’t it always? Trust was such a wretched thing.

I called a taxi and set about for more waiting. It took five minutes, fifty-five less than Vaughn, to arrive at my house. I ignored the leer in the driver’s eyes and tugged down the flashy skirt to cover my legs, feeling stupid for getting so dressed up. He probably saw a try-too-hard girl, remembered the type from his own high school years and assumed things he had no right to assume.

I told him where to go and squashed the conversation he tried to create. I was far too mad to talk about the weather and far too conscious to meet this man’s eyes in the mirrors. It wasn’t Vaughn I was clutching and I was aware that there were doors surrounding me instead of leather squeezed between my legs. I was a motorcycle girl now. I realised that as I lolled my head against the cool window.

The last time I had taken a taxi to school had been the day I’d lost myself, the day after I’d lost my father. I didn’t allow my mind to dwell on it. If I really thought about it then I might be tempted to tell the driver to just go somewhere. Anywhere. Find Dad and Mom; follow their uncoordinated fleeing as if it were a map for the lost.

My hands were still balled tight. My mind sealed off in itself. It took a few moments to realise we were paused outside of the high school and the driver was watching me curiously. I didn’t want to read into his look or recognise the way his eyes trailed places they shouldn’t, so shoved his money in the space between us. I couldn’t touch him. If I touched him I’d be tempted to yell and pinch, throw limbs out. I wasn’t used to having so much anger so near the surface.

“Have a nice day Darling,” he drawled as I shut the door. Instantly, I wanted to re-open it just to hear it slam and see his face change into indignation. I unreasonably wanted to flip him off. This man who’d done nothing but driven me to school when nobody else would, I craved to frustrate. I hated his eyes on me when the only person I wanted to look at me like that was gone.

Gone.

It seemed to strike me then, hitting me so squarely in the stomach that it washed away all my anger. The taxi drove off, leaving me gaping at nothing but the empty tarmac. There was an ocean of cars in my line of sight but not Vaughn’s motorcycle, not even in his own parking space.

What if Vaughn was really gone? He’d not just overslept or forgotten or been too preoccupied. What if it was something serious? Gone in more ways than one?

How would I ever know? Nobody was going to call me, his mother certainly didn’t have me on speed dial and it wasn’t as if anyone would remember me. She still believed I was a passing faze. Another dangerous outlet her son delved in just so that in the end he could say he had no regrets. She didn’t realise he meant more to me than anyone would ever know.

I almost burst into tears right there, in front of school. The idea, even the simple possibility, that Vaughn was gone was too painful to bear. I couldn’t turn and face the entire student body not knowing for certain if he was still with me, if he was still fucking alive.

His illness hung over my head like a dark cloud. It was always there now and would forever be in the back of my mind. If he was late. If he didn’t turn up. If I missed any of his calls. There would always be the knowledge that his heart might have failed him.

The sunshine around felt mocking and the colours from my skirt stung my eyes. I was a fool. I’d been so caught up in being angry that I hadn’t even toyed with the notion of his health. My fury was automatic, a self-defence mechanism. If I could cry and know my heart was breaking then I could be angry at whoever had hurt me, and feel only that first.

“Alice?”

I started back into myself, understanding the sound echoing around me was my name put into words. My head moved automatically around to take in the person only a few metres away, and to take in the other person holding an arm around her.

“Are you alright?”

I only understood then that I really had burst into tears, their very images blurred before me. They mixed together with my tears and I had to raise a hand up to hide my pathetic state. I knew who they were though. Sophia Harley and Jack Adams. The school’s Golden Couple. And I knew they’d already seen my tears.

“I’m fine,” I hiccupped “just running late for class.”

I didn’t think they were stupid and I’d heard how false my lie sounded. Of course I wasn’t upset because I was late for class and of course I wasn’t fine. I was standing on the pavement blubbering like a little girl. They probably thought I was a maniac. They probably saw right through me.

“Do you want to call someone? Or I could get someone for you?” Sophia’s smile was sad and weak. She was honestly one of the nicest, most well liked girls in our school – the girl who’d stolen the heart of Jack Adams. The Jack Adams. He was the football star, the baseball star, the demi-God who half the school had been entranced by for most of high school. If Vaughn Hart was the king then Jack Adams was the prince.

And he’d been worse behaved than Vaughn for a long time. He’d slept with any and all girls and forgotten about them seconds after he’d sneaked out their bedroom windows. Sophia put a stop to all that. The couple had emerged practically overnight, rising to sovereignty almost instantly, and upsetting a good portion of the girls. Of course those girls found new idols, found Vaughn Hart, who’d never grown out of his bad habits and most certainly never found a Ying to his Yang. But Jack Adams was still a high school force to be reckoned with and his girlfriend was a golden-haired angel who made my brash makeup and bright skirt feel even stupider.

“No no,” I murmured “it’s fine. I’m fine.”

Jack pulled Sophia further into his side, the girl seeming to barely notice. Her entire attention was focused on me and even her boyfriend’s eyes were watching me carefully.

“Look Alice, I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m not going to just leave you standing here clearly upset. Jack and I are already late for classes, what’s a little bit more time? If you need to go anywhere we’ll happily drive you. Maybe go home? I’ve had plenty of days where all I’ve wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide from the world. We can take you there now if you’d like?”

I highly doubted someone as lovely as Sophia Harley ever had days like that but I wasn’t about to point this out. My tears were subsiding and I was already grasping at their offer like a desperate child. I knew that there was no way I could face the day at school with Vaughn hanging over my head, and no way I could stop my tears completely. I was so terrified and there was an unfamiliar ache in my heart.

“We were having one of those days actually, until this one had to decide school was suddenly so important,” Jack nuzzled his face into Sophia’s neck. She barely even smiled but noticeably stiffened, the affection he physically showed trapped in her sparkling eyes. Their romance sickened me. Vaughn would touch me like that. Kiss me like that. And yet I didn’t know where he was now or even if he was alright. I had to know.

“There is somewhere I need to go.”

“Right. Come on, Jack can drive us.”

Jack, looking neither pleased nor displeased at the prospect of driving his girlfriend and a wreck of a stranger around town, ambled off with his arm still secured tightly around Sophia. They were inseparable really. Had been since their mysteriously sudden dating early last year, plunging the whole school into temporary disarray and confusion. Sophia wasn’t popular before, she was a relative nobody and Jack... Jack had been Jack Adams. It didn’t make sense to many but anyone who had eyes could see how much good they were together.

The car was a large four-by-four with an expensively shiny looking coat of paint. I felt poor just standing by it and, under any other circumstances, would find my excuses to bolt. But I needed to see Vaughn. To reassure myself that nothing had happened.

We got inside, Sophia surprising me by sliding into the back with me. I met her eyes. She could see me right then. All of me. My worry and terror for Vaughn left me defenceless, my very insides raw with the horror of not knowing. It was the worst feeling, I decided. At least with my parents I understood that they had left and knew they wouldn’t be coming back for a long time. With Vaughn he could be coming or going, leaving me alone without me even realising it.

“It’ll be okay,” she said confidently. She didn’t know why I was upset or where I was directing her boyfriend but she didn’t falter once in her conviction. I got the impression she’d seen enough tragedy in her life to understand when she saw it. This was a potential tragedy. An ongoing play nobody but I knew would have a disastrous ending. I was praying it wouldn’t be this scene. I was begging for it not to be now.

“The next left,” I told Jack, remembering the way to Vaughn’s house roughly in my head. I’d been clinging to him then on the back of his motorcycle, a helmet distorting my vision and keeping me calm. Now I was clinging only to the seat beneath me, my hands tight with terror. The windows were clear and showed me the different neighbourhoods whizzing by.

I’d have given worlds in that moment. I’d have given up everything to know that Vaughn was okay, for Vaughn to be okay. And I understood what it felt like to be in love. Because what I was experiencing – this wave of nausea at the prospect of him being gone – meant that I loved Vaughn. I felt nothing at this realisation. There was nothing but the dread locked tight in my stomach.