Stories from the Back of His Motorcycle

His shirt was clean under my hands. Clean and crisp. I had my arms wrapped up in him, our bodies melding together, one part melting and becoming something more. His breath was in my hair, everywhere, making my everything focus on him instead of how precisely I should be moving my feet in heels. I was taller than him like this but in his careful touch I was still easily broken.

I couldn’t remember the name of the song, only that we were dancing to it like we’d been the ones to request it. Ross and El had already stolen off somewhere, the day wearing into night, slipping on the darkness just as easily as El had her second dress. Most of the men hadn’t been able to take their eyes off the blushing bride. Vaughn’s eyes had been right in mine, flashing with their desire to go somewhere quiet, burning me with their intensity, sending shivers ricocheting through me like the night was anything close to cold.

I took one step too far back, losing my balance and fumbling around, a lamb on new legs. I wasn’t falling so much as stumbling looking as clumsy as I felt. Vaughn’s laughter washed over me, his breath raising gooseflesh on my neck and arms containing me so I wouldn’t draw any more attention to us. People were glancing over anyway, wondering who the beautiful boy was slow dancing under the hotel’s chandelier. Wondering what he was doing with someone like me.

There was no mistaking the pity in their eyes, the contempt and the knowledge. I had been trying to block it out all night so I wouldn’t have to think about how my mother and father were missing their eldest son’s wedding, how two of my brothers didn’t even care enough to come home and I was slowly waiting for my boyfriend’s heart to stop beating. I wanted to focus on better things. On my time with Vaughn, on his possibly donation, on my brother’s wedding, on Nick’s promotion. I didn’t know how these strangers understood everything, maybe they only knew a few things, but there was no mistaking the looks they had been sending my way. And there was no mistaking the way Vaughn would clutch me closer every time.

“You know if I got down on one knee right now, in front of all these strangers, there’s no way you’d be able to say no,” he whispered into my hair as we resumed our movement.

“What makes you think I’d care what they think?” I smirked.

“You already do, babe, I can see it in your face.” He twirled me, arm stretched out as I pivoted on one tenacious heel. I was scared to look him in the eye in case he could see how much I cared right then, and how I’d probably burst out crying if he asked me to marry him again. “You care too much. They’re all just busy-bodies anyway.”

“Whatever,” I smiled at something behind him, my imagination trying to keep up with my need to keep my attention somewhere else. He didn’t turn, wasn’t fooled for a second, eyes remaining on my face as if he could get me to agree just by staring me down. I didn’t bother telling him it wouldn’t work. I was a pro at this, at pretending everything was okay.

“So you would still say no?” he asked, a hint of humour somewhere.

“I’d still say you’re going to get better so there’s no need to have some quick, meaningless wedding.”

“It wouldn’t be meaningless.”

“We’re barely eighteen,” I sighed, not willing to go through this again with him. I could tell being here, at someone else’s wedding, had just reinforced his silly desire to get us hitched as quickly as possible. He’d just gotten me to fall in love, changing everything I had ever believed about the world, and now he wanted to jump marriage on me like it was the natural next step.

No, I wanted to shake him, not yet. Not now. I’m a freshly born adult, I’m so new to the world, and all I want is for him to be with me, in the moment, screw tomorrow and next week and the rest of our lives. If there was one thing I had come to learn it was that he was precious, and time was precious, and the two together were juxtaposed. Parallels. Time without Vaughn was so slow, painful, so not worth a second thought. Vaughn was without time, he was running low, running out.

“That shouldn’t matter, baby, I love you.”

“It does matter Vaughn, we don’t know what we’re doing.”

His chest rumbled in something like disagreement but I wasn’t prepared to do this with him. I was holding it all together only barely and a few words which sounded similar to a refusal would be enough to pull it all loose. There were times and places to lose your sanity; behind the closed door of your bedroom, caught in the middle of a thunderstorm with no-one around, in the arms of the only person you don’t mind crying in front of, but in the middle of your eldest brother’s wedding reception was not one of them.

“You have all the answers to these questions,” he muttered almost coldly. Frustrated. I understood, he wanted me to say yes and he wanted to be able to ask me, but I couldn’t allow either of those things.

“Whatever, Vaughn, don’t do this here,” I glanced nervously around at the well dressed strangers in case they could smell my fear. His desperation. “Please.”

I looked at him then, right into his stark grey eyes, finding them a reflection of what I was a mess of. We were both pulling for this, neither willing to push for the other. The fool thought, really thought, despite everything, that he was going to die soon and marrying me would… what? Make honest people of us? A piece of paper and a cold, gold ring might stop his future from happening?

Holding the look for so long I almost tripped over my heels again, he eventually broke the contact. He slipped hands around my narrow waist and tugged me into him. I rested my cheek on his, closing my eyes, loving him with every fiber of me.

“I’m sorry, Alice.”

“So am I.”

“We seem stuck in this cycle,” he sighed out, “something’s got to give.”

I hope he didn’t mean me.

“I love you Vaughn,” I chose to say because another argument, an Alice who didn’t like being backed into a corner one bit, was threatening to come out.

“Back at you babe,” he smirked, a hand rising to cup my cheek and a single finger to trail imaginary tear tracks.

Our relationship was raw, made up of emotions at their very core. I loved him desperately and totally, an entity dependant on him for this kind of love in return. I was scared, terrified and sick, something ugly and selfish when it came to the question of Vaughn and his illness. He was possessive and jealous, anxious I would find someone who wasn’t fading away but right there, young and healthy and able to give me everything normal in the world. We were unhealthy, probably, we were destructive, most likely, but I would have been all of these things – as pathetic as they came – if it made him half as happy as he made me.

“May I cut in?”

Vaughn’s hold on me tightened instinctively before he gauged who it was wanting to take me away. I rolled my eyes and laughed lightly, feeling lighter for it already, and took Nick’s calloused hand in mine. Vaughn chuckled too, letting Nick know that he better make sure I stay upright in those heels because he was going to get a drink. Nick told him that he already knew how clumsy I was, and for Vaughn to hurry up and leave already, that there were some cute girls by the bar.

“You shouldn’t tease him,” I rebuked fondly.

“You shouldn’t let him give you those smoldering looks he does. As much as I like the kid I don’t want to have to find him in your bed again.” We both cringed here. “I’d have to kick his ass then, wouldn’t want people to start thinking I’m a shit man of the house, can’t keep guys off a Thornberry girl.”

I laughed again, swinging my eyes around the stylish hotel room, the large ballroom dance floor and golden chandeliers. El had out-done herself arranging this, and El’s father had out-done himself paying for it. I spotted the balding man dancing a few feet away with a woman draped in jewelry. She had El’s pretty little features, the same way all of her limbs could be so small and delicate. The parents looked happy dancing at their daughter’s wedding reception. I was happy too, dancing with my brother, supporting family just as they were.

“They’ve found a house in the neighbourhood,” Nick started, bringing my attention back to him. “Ross thought El would never actually pick one but the place is nice, and as soon as you see it you’ll think of El, it’s her all over. I wonder why she didn’t just buy it on sight. You know how she can get, though, particular about practically everything.”

It struck me for the first time how close Nick had gotten to the couple. Ross was his brother, of course, so they had the foundations already there, and they had never left each other, only me. But I had moved on. I had forgiven. As weightless a sensation as it was, I was filled with happiness now understanding our family was truly mending itself. Molding into something new.

“You know it’s all going to be better now,” he told me carefully, seeing the remnants of hurt somewhere in my face. The remembrance of my mother was still fresh and she was no doubt lingering somewhere on our horizons, ready to try to wriggle back in to something which was hers no longer. She wasn’t important, though, because I already knew these people in my life would fight her too.

I was going to answer when the music picked up, forming a song which I couldn’t exactly slow dance to. Already with a mischievous look in his black eyes, Nick swung me right out, causing me to topple back. Someone behind me was scoffing, someone else was laughing, and for a split second I felt the whisper of a body press against mine.

“I’m so sorry,” I stumbled out after I had righted myself, shooting Nick a deadly promise before turning to take in the affronted person who, no doubt, would demand a more astute, formal apology. I don’t know where El had found most of these guests but, wherever it was, it certainly wasn’t anywhere near my working-class neighbourhood.

An old, well-groomed man met my eyes with a bright blue pair of his own. He opened him mouth to tell me off for being such a klutz but shut it just as quickly.

“Is there a problem here, Mister Andrews?”

“Vaughn, it’s a surprise to see you here.”

Vaughn set his body beside mine, coming seemingly out of nowhere with Nick right at his elbow. My boys, again, come to save the day. I rolled my eyes at them. As if I couldn’t take some wizened old crone who I had barely brushed.

“Well, I have to show support for my family’s weddings,” he shrugged as if he were actually related to us at all. At the man’s raised grey eyebrow, he just smiled smugly.

“And if you don’t mind, Mister Andrews, there are more important places we have to be and more important things we need to be doing,” he said while backing away, pulling me along for the ride.

“Who was that?” I asked after a bit more distance had been put between us.

“Derek Andrews, an employee at my Dad’s law firm. He’s a silly old buffer who cheats on his wife with girls fresh out of college, and I didn’t like the way he was looking at you,” Vaughn grumbled.

“Honestly, you see things that aren’t even there,” I chuckled; amused at the way he could be so ridiculous.

“Well that’s the last time I leave you with Nick,” he cast his eyes over to my brother who was by the bar, chatting up a girl who looked suspiciously like Delia. “He barely kept you upright for a song.”

“Vaughn,” I smiled and kissed him quickly. “I am capable of looking after myself.”

“I know that, babe, you just don’t do a good job,” he teased.

“Oh really? I believe I was doing just fine until you came along.”

He shot me a look and I knew he was right. I hadn’t been okay before, I had been something empty and small and halfhearted. I had been angry at him for so long just because he seemed happy while I was miserable, without even knowing him I had hated him. As he leaned in to kiss me, no doubt having already forgotten what we had been talking about, I wondered what was left of that hate now? I didn’t have anything in me to hate anymore. Not my mother or father, not my brothers, not even the cruel girls at school.

"Okay. Okay. You saved me, you fool, and I still have to return the favour."