Status: Completed!
The Rollercoaster Life
Therapy
I’m a fucking travesty. There’s no other way to describe it. I screwed up, royally, and now I was paying the price for it. It was nothing less than I deserved, I knew that, but that didn’t make the pain any less. My heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on repeatedly, then put back in, where it now thudded pathetically.
I sat on my bed, staring at the wall, not able to get the image of Jency’s pain stricken face out of my mind. I couldn’t even remember what her smile looked like, her tear stained face was so deeply engraved into my brain. I had done that to her.
I should have been up front with her from the beginning. Although, I never honestly thought that Hilary would show up in LA. I had only talked to her once since we arrived and the we left it when I left Baltimore...I thought I made it clear. Apparently not.
I’ve never claimed to be good at relationships. I never once told Hilary I loved her. I never once called her my girlfriend. But then, I’ve got my head shoved so far up my own ass it never even occurred to me to think that she saw us as something more. I really am a prick.
When I officially broke up with her, she looked genuinely devastated and I felt even guiltier than I already did. Hil was a great girl, but she was no Jency.
Jency. God, her words cut me apart like a razorblade. Even if it was unintentional, I had hurt her terribly, and I deserved every punishment she had to offer me. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to stop trying. I couldn’t live without her, I needed her in my life. I would stay in LA as long as it took, and then I would follow her to Philly. We could postpone our final recording for as long as it took.
You need therapy. I chuckled bitterly as her words filled my ears and my brain began working on overdrive, notes and melodies flowing through against my will. Out of all of this shit I had gotten myself into, at least a song would come out of it. Life really is a bitch sometimes, isn’t it?
But I was going to fight for her. I knew she loved me. I hurt her, I knew that, and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But I was going to work my ass off until I got her to smile again.
But what if she didn’t want me anymore? The thought struck me to the very core. No, she loved me. At least, I thought she did. My heart slammed against my rib cage as my mind flung back and forth between best and worst case scenarios. What the hell was I going to do?
I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands and groaning at the migraine that was coming on. I saw little black dots in my vision. I’ve suffered from anxiety attacks in the past, but I haven’t recently. I could feel one coming on again, though.
There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I groaned, rubbing my face with my hands. I looked up from my place on my bed to Holden and Eric, who had entered the room and were staring down at me, like I was the lowest of lows.
“It’s okay, Zack,” I said to the bassist, who was hovering in the door. “I’ll be upstairs later.”
Frowning slightly, Zack backed out of the room and shut the door behind him. I sighed and stood up, looking at the two men in front of me. “If you want to hit me, go ahead,” I offered sullenly. “I deserve it.”
“Yes, you do,” Holden agreed coldly. “But I’m not going to hit you. That’s not why we came over here.”
I looked at them questioningly. Both were glaring at me, the look in Eric’s eyes especially chilling me to the bone. I did deserve it though. I deserved every pain I felt at the moment.
“You need to leave Jency alone,” Holden continued, harshly.
I looked at him, confused, my head pounding. “What?”
“Leave her alone,” he repeated. “Don’t talk to her, don’t try and visit her, don’t call her anymore. Just forget about her, so she can forget about you.”
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I replied steadily. “I love her, I can’t just forget about her. It doesn’t work like that. I fucked up and I know she needs time, but I have to make her understand. I have to be with her.”
“You might think you’re in love with her, but she’s not in love with you,” he bit back. I felt a pain in my chest as I heard those words, but ignored it. He was lying. “This whole ‘love’ thing is nothing more than a foolish infatuation. Because you happen to sing one of her favorite songs and gave her a bit of attention, Jency thinks you understand her, that she might have been in love with you,” he continued. “But let me tell you, she’ll feel that way about anyone who flatters her enough.”
I scowled. He was crossing the line. “Are you saying that all of this is because of her fame? That was only interested in what her name is? That’s bullshit. I love Jency, I love her. And I know she feels the same way.”
“Does she?” he asked with a challenging glare. “She’s wasn’t answering your calls is she? She threw you out tonight. Yeah, I knew you were there, Quinn isn’t as smooth as he thinks he is. You lied to her, but lying doesn’t discount true love.” He was mocking me, I knew it, but in my state I couldn’t help but absorb all that he was saying. “All you’ve done is shown her the childhood she’s missed out on. You guys had some fun together, sure, you’ve laughed and wasted days away doing pointless and childish shit. But she’s my sister, I think I would know her a bit better than you, Gaskarth. She was infatuated with you, but it was nothing real. She hates you for what you did to her, how stupid you’ve made her feel. She needs someone more mature than you, someone who can give her more than a few laughs and make her feel like a fifteen year old girl with her first crush. You can’t do that. Get out now, before you hurt her anymore.”
I bit back whatever comment I had planned. What Jency and I had was real. It had to have been real. I knew it was real. She couldn’t hate me.
“You’ve really hurt her,” he said, clenching his fists together, and for a moment I prepared myself for the punch, but it didn’t come. “It’s killing her right now. You know she has trust issues and yet you do this. You don’t deserve her.” I nodded unconsciously. He was right, I didn’t deserve her. She was way too good for me. My head thudded in pain and I fought to keep my vision straight. My breath quickened.
“I’m glad you’re finally starting to see that,” he added.
“I can make this work, I can prove how much I love her, how much I would give for her,” I replied meekly. “I would do anything for her, Holden. It’s the same with you and Maggie.” I saw him flinch slightly, but the anger in his eyes just returned ten fold.
“Don’t you fucking dare compare yourself to me,” he hissed, and I knew he wanted to hit me. “I would never treat Maggie the way you treated Jency, like a fucking play thing, something to keep you entertained while you were away from home.”
“I never meant it like that,” I protested angrily. “I love Jency.”
“So you keep saying. If you love her so much then, you’ll leave.”
“What?” I asked, again shocked by this suggestion.
“She can do so much better than you, Gaskarth. Do you actually think she could get over it again if you pulled anymore shit like this? And you know you will. Guys like you don’t change. She’d be better off without you in her life.”
“Fuck you,” I replied, my throat feeling dry and scratchy. I was quickly losing all energy I had. “I know you’re her brother and you care about her but - ”
“I am her brother, and I do care about her, which is why I want you to forget this! The sooner you do, the sooner she will and she can go back to a normal life, not this silly fairytale she thinks she’s been living. If any part of you actually does care about her, you will let her go. You’ll only hurt her again.” He was shouting at this point, his face red with anger.
My breath was shaky and my skin felt like ice. He was right. They were all right. I screwed it up. I was a screw up. I would never be able to be the man that Jency deserved. She was better off without me. She didn’t need me in her life.
I couldn’t speak; the idea of living without her around knocked the wind out of me. My lungs were giving out as I faced them. I was drowning.
I nodded slowly at Holden and Eric. My throat ached. My heart was in pieces. But it was for the best. Jency would eventually find someone who could treat her like the goddess she was, who wouldn’t break the trust she would put into his care. Whoever he was, he would be the luckiest guy on earth.
“I’m glad you understand,” Holden said, more quietly this time. “We still have another week or so of recording, but from what I hear you’re finished. I suggest you leave as soon as possible. She’s better off without you.” I nodded numbly, again, the words piercing my soul.
I believed him.
Without another word, Holden turned to leave. I was almost hyperventilating at this point, everything was spinning at a thousand miles an hour around me. I stared at the carpet, trying to calm myself, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. It was only when I heard my name again that my head came up. My face was quickly met with Eric’s fist.
I sat on my bed, staring at the wall, not able to get the image of Jency’s pain stricken face out of my mind. I couldn’t even remember what her smile looked like, her tear stained face was so deeply engraved into my brain. I had done that to her.
I should have been up front with her from the beginning. Although, I never honestly thought that Hilary would show up in LA. I had only talked to her once since we arrived and the we left it when I left Baltimore...I thought I made it clear. Apparently not.
I’ve never claimed to be good at relationships. I never once told Hilary I loved her. I never once called her my girlfriend. But then, I’ve got my head shoved so far up my own ass it never even occurred to me to think that she saw us as something more. I really am a prick.
When I officially broke up with her, she looked genuinely devastated and I felt even guiltier than I already did. Hil was a great girl, but she was no Jency.
Jency. God, her words cut me apart like a razorblade. Even if it was unintentional, I had hurt her terribly, and I deserved every punishment she had to offer me. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to stop trying. I couldn’t live without her, I needed her in my life. I would stay in LA as long as it took, and then I would follow her to Philly. We could postpone our final recording for as long as it took.
You need therapy. I chuckled bitterly as her words filled my ears and my brain began working on overdrive, notes and melodies flowing through against my will. Out of all of this shit I had gotten myself into, at least a song would come out of it. Life really is a bitch sometimes, isn’t it?
But I was going to fight for her. I knew she loved me. I hurt her, I knew that, and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But I was going to work my ass off until I got her to smile again.
But what if she didn’t want me anymore? The thought struck me to the very core. No, she loved me. At least, I thought she did. My heart slammed against my rib cage as my mind flung back and forth between best and worst case scenarios. What the hell was I going to do?
I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands and groaning at the migraine that was coming on. I saw little black dots in my vision. I’ve suffered from anxiety attacks in the past, but I haven’t recently. I could feel one coming on again, though.
There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I groaned, rubbing my face with my hands. I looked up from my place on my bed to Holden and Eric, who had entered the room and were staring down at me, like I was the lowest of lows.
“It’s okay, Zack,” I said to the bassist, who was hovering in the door. “I’ll be upstairs later.”
Frowning slightly, Zack backed out of the room and shut the door behind him. I sighed and stood up, looking at the two men in front of me. “If you want to hit me, go ahead,” I offered sullenly. “I deserve it.”
“Yes, you do,” Holden agreed coldly. “But I’m not going to hit you. That’s not why we came over here.”
I looked at them questioningly. Both were glaring at me, the look in Eric’s eyes especially chilling me to the bone. I did deserve it though. I deserved every pain I felt at the moment.
“You need to leave Jency alone,” Holden continued, harshly.
I looked at him, confused, my head pounding. “What?”
“Leave her alone,” he repeated. “Don’t talk to her, don’t try and visit her, don’t call her anymore. Just forget about her, so she can forget about you.”
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I replied steadily. “I love her, I can’t just forget about her. It doesn’t work like that. I fucked up and I know she needs time, but I have to make her understand. I have to be with her.”
“You might think you’re in love with her, but she’s not in love with you,” he bit back. I felt a pain in my chest as I heard those words, but ignored it. He was lying. “This whole ‘love’ thing is nothing more than a foolish infatuation. Because you happen to sing one of her favorite songs and gave her a bit of attention, Jency thinks you understand her, that she might have been in love with you,” he continued. “But let me tell you, she’ll feel that way about anyone who flatters her enough.”
I scowled. He was crossing the line. “Are you saying that all of this is because of her fame? That was only interested in what her name is? That’s bullshit. I love Jency, I love her. And I know she feels the same way.”
“Does she?” he asked with a challenging glare. “She’s wasn’t answering your calls is she? She threw you out tonight. Yeah, I knew you were there, Quinn isn’t as smooth as he thinks he is. You lied to her, but lying doesn’t discount true love.” He was mocking me, I knew it, but in my state I couldn’t help but absorb all that he was saying. “All you’ve done is shown her the childhood she’s missed out on. You guys had some fun together, sure, you’ve laughed and wasted days away doing pointless and childish shit. But she’s my sister, I think I would know her a bit better than you, Gaskarth. She was infatuated with you, but it was nothing real. She hates you for what you did to her, how stupid you’ve made her feel. She needs someone more mature than you, someone who can give her more than a few laughs and make her feel like a fifteen year old girl with her first crush. You can’t do that. Get out now, before you hurt her anymore.”
I bit back whatever comment I had planned. What Jency and I had was real. It had to have been real. I knew it was real. She couldn’t hate me.
“You’ve really hurt her,” he said, clenching his fists together, and for a moment I prepared myself for the punch, but it didn’t come. “It’s killing her right now. You know she has trust issues and yet you do this. You don’t deserve her.” I nodded unconsciously. He was right, I didn’t deserve her. She was way too good for me. My head thudded in pain and I fought to keep my vision straight. My breath quickened.
“I’m glad you’re finally starting to see that,” he added.
“I can make this work, I can prove how much I love her, how much I would give for her,” I replied meekly. “I would do anything for her, Holden. It’s the same with you and Maggie.” I saw him flinch slightly, but the anger in his eyes just returned ten fold.
“Don’t you fucking dare compare yourself to me,” he hissed, and I knew he wanted to hit me. “I would never treat Maggie the way you treated Jency, like a fucking play thing, something to keep you entertained while you were away from home.”
“I never meant it like that,” I protested angrily. “I love Jency.”
“So you keep saying. If you love her so much then, you’ll leave.”
“What?” I asked, again shocked by this suggestion.
“She can do so much better than you, Gaskarth. Do you actually think she could get over it again if you pulled anymore shit like this? And you know you will. Guys like you don’t change. She’d be better off without you in her life.”
“Fuck you,” I replied, my throat feeling dry and scratchy. I was quickly losing all energy I had. “I know you’re her brother and you care about her but - ”
“I am her brother, and I do care about her, which is why I want you to forget this! The sooner you do, the sooner she will and she can go back to a normal life, not this silly fairytale she thinks she’s been living. If any part of you actually does care about her, you will let her go. You’ll only hurt her again.” He was shouting at this point, his face red with anger.
My breath was shaky and my skin felt like ice. He was right. They were all right. I screwed it up. I was a screw up. I would never be able to be the man that Jency deserved. She was better off without me. She didn’t need me in her life.
I couldn’t speak; the idea of living without her around knocked the wind out of me. My lungs were giving out as I faced them. I was drowning.
I nodded slowly at Holden and Eric. My throat ached. My heart was in pieces. But it was for the best. Jency would eventually find someone who could treat her like the goddess she was, who wouldn’t break the trust she would put into his care. Whoever he was, he would be the luckiest guy on earth.
“I’m glad you understand,” Holden said, more quietly this time. “We still have another week or so of recording, but from what I hear you’re finished. I suggest you leave as soon as possible. She’s better off without you.” I nodded numbly, again, the words piercing my soul.
I believed him.
Without another word, Holden turned to leave. I was almost hyperventilating at this point, everything was spinning at a thousand miles an hour around me. I stared at the carpet, trying to calm myself, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. It was only when I heard my name again that my head came up. My face was quickly met with Eric’s fist.
♠ ♠ ♠
Oh, sadness. Alex is letting Holden get into his head. Not good.Anyway, I was going to wait a few days (I'm not a huge fan of updating twice in one day) BUT something awesome happened and it made me really happy and want to update for you all. One of my favorite authors here on Mibba erratic gave me a shout-out in her AMAZING story, "Decisions, Decisions." She writes some of my fave stories out there, so I highly recommend checking her out!
And thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter, even though I know that a bunch of you may not have had time to read it yet, lol.
One more chapter! Sad times. But thank, you all for your support and everything. I've loved writing this and you guys have made all the work worth it!!!
xx