Restart My Heart

I sipped the sweating glass of pink lemonade and flipped the page of interior design magazines. Abigail sits on the love seat beside me, nose deep in her magazine and her slim ankles crossed. She's ten times cuter and prettier than I remembered and filled with that love sickness I used to have.

She looked up from her magazine and her green eyes twinkled in its frame of eyeliner "Find anything good, Levi?"

Abigail's boyfriend, Miles, wanted to renovate his restaurant 'Miles' and since Miles asked Abigail for some advice and Abigail asked me and I was craving for something normal in my life, we went out to Home Depot and bought a bunch magazines for some ideas.

That's how I ended up on the Gomez's couch, sipping pink lemonade while listening to Stephen's grunts from the open back door outside. Whatever he was doing, I liked it already.

And Ruth was still upset at me and won't look at me. I remember her face when I walked in from vomiting earlier today. She was really angry this time but I still haven't made up my mind to apologize to her. She was over reacting. And that flash of vision? memory? really freaked me out. As much as I hate it, I remember almost every moment spent when I was with Alex.

But that was a memory I don't remember but I know it happened. It felt too... possible. Eerily possible.

I fingered my braid and pulled on my best smile for Abigail "How's this?"

I showed her the page I was on. Abigail scanned it thoughtfully then put it down, looking exhausted. "It's a cow inspired room."

I looked at the page; cow ceilings, cow prints on the floor, cow print booths, cow clocks, cow glasses and even 'moo moo' cookies, everything. It was hideous "Sorry."

"What's wrong? You're like..."

"I'm distracted," I offered.

Abigail put down the book and slid her feet off "I'm sorry. I knew this was boring."

"No, no! I'm distracted," I put a hand on her shoulder "My best friend is giving me the silent treatment and I have this huge, embarrassing assignment next week and..." And my ex won't leave me alone.

In the present and pass. I thought about what Ruth said "Just because he's out of your life in the present doesn't mean he's out of your past". That's for sure. But that Alex was the reason why I stick to Stephen? That wasn't true and I can't believe Ruth thought that all along. It hurts she doesn't know the real reason why I feel how I feel.

A noise at the door made us jump and turn. Stephen stood their, chugging a water bottle, sweating and shirtless and I had to wipe my drool. I could name a few more reasons why I 'stick' to Stephen that don't involve Alex whatsoever.

"You stink, Stephen," Abigail picked the magazine back and put her feet in my lap again. Of course she didn't notice Stephen's body, she saw it everyday. Lucky bitch.

"Hey Stephy," I got up and walked over, ready to swing my arms around him.

But he blocked it "I'm sweaty and stink."

I pouted "I don't care. I want a hug!"

"Oh God," Abigail started getting up, rolling her eyes at us "Before you guys start fucking, I gotta leave the room. Besides, Miles wants to meet up with me. So..."

She looked at us for a moment. When Stephen and I got here after school, I changed into a pair of her shorts and tight tank that showed off my boobs nicely because I didn't want to smell like vomit at Stephen's.

"I'd ask how I look but I see I am ruining a moment," she blew us a kiss "Love you, both. Wear a condom."

Abigail grabbed her bag and padded out of the room.

"She's kidding," Stephen said, running a hand threw his hair, laughing nervously.

Clearly I knew but I narrowed my eyes teasingly "I don't think so."

"I'm g-going to take a shower," his voice cracked and started walking

"I'll join you," I followed him

"Very funny,"

I laughed, even though I wasn't joking. I followed him up the stairs and into his room and he never stopped me. We reached his room bathroom and before stepping in, spun around and faced me. His chocolate crept up my body and landed on my eyes

"I'm about to ask you step out at this point," he said

"But that would be rude to your guest," I stepped past him and walked into the bathroom. I heard him chuckle behind me

"No seriously, though Levi."

"I'm serious, too," I said just as I turned around

Stephen proceeded to take off his low jeans and showed a pair of Calvin Klein briefs. "You should go right about now if you don't wanna witness this."

I gave him a cheeky smile "Who said I didn't want to witness this?"

"Levi, I warn you."

And without hesitating, I slipped off that tight tank top of Abigail's, exposing my cute bra today. "I actually need a shower today." Which was true, since I did stink of vomit.

Stephen just shook his head, with a smile that never faltered and slipped his briefs off. I swallowed and averted my eyes, feeling my face burst into flames and marvelling at how bold Stephen really was. My eyes were steadily staring into his as I slid my shorts off along with my panties.

Stephen chuckled and leaped into the shower and I heard the water run. I swallowed my shyness. This is my chance.

I jumped in after him. Stephen was soaking wet, his bare chest glistening under the shower head. I knew I was smiling like an idiot but didn't care. I pushed him aside, so i could get under the water, and at the contact of my fingers on his chest. He snatches my wrist, and his fingers are bristling against my wrist.

As we lock eyes, I feel weightless, fearless. I feel like I could do anything. His lips, oh his lips are just merely centimetres away from mine. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than for him to be mine. I wanted him with such an intensity, it was far beyond just lust. It was something bigger, larger, more.

Our lips move closer and closer and all that fills my ears is the water beating against our skins and the sound my heart beating. This is it. This is the moment I wanted.

Suddenly, my wrist falls to my bare waist and Stephen is no longer inches away from kissing me. He looks straight into my eyes, earnestly with his honest cocoa eyes and I knew right then, he didn't want to kiss me with the same intensity I had.

"Levi, I can't,"

I stand frozen on the spot, trapped under his eyes. So honest, so cruelly honest. I wait for the next line, knowing exactly what he was going to say next.

"I have a girlfriend."

I step away from him. Even though I knew he was going to say it, I clearly wasn't prepared to hear it. I stumble backwards, clumsily out of the shower. My entire body trembles and I feel so embarrassed, so humiliated. For stripping down like that. I rush for my clothes, feeling naked and exposed.

How could i have been so stupid?

Suddenly, the words that Alex told me to remember that Stephen had a girlfriendswept up in my mind. Tears of frustration surfaced and I slip on my clothes, my back towards Stephen

"Listen, Levi. Please," he says and I hear the hurt in his voice but I feel the ache in my chest even more

I swiped at my eyes and ran down the stairs, ignoring his pleas. Thankfully, he didn't follow as I grabbed my purse and ran out the house. Then I realized Stephen was my ride here.

"Damn it!" I yelled as I kicked the door. I could hear footsteps inside the house from the open living room window and panicked. I couldn't face more humiliation from him.

So, I swallowed my pride and speed dialled Ruth.

"Levi?" her soft voice answered on the other line immediately

I tried to sound as normal as possible "Hey, Ruth? Can you pick me up?"

"Why? Where are you?" came her panicked voice

I gave her the address and directions of Stephen's house. I could hear the skepticism in her voice but she didn't question me

"I'll be there in ten."

I slumped on the porch step after she hung up and concentrated on not thinking, not feeling for fear that Stephen was at the window, watching me. Because I felt eyes on me.

Exactly ten minutes later, Ruth's mom's mini van pulled up on the driveway and I sprinted to the front passenger seat. I didn't want to be there for a second more. Thankfully, Ruth could tell. The second the door was slammed shut, she sped off so fast, I was sure there were tire marks on the pavement.

After five minutes of silence, I spoke up.

"I was surprised you came, no picked up at all,"

"Why wouldn't I, Levi? I'm your best friend," and she sounded like she meant every word, I almost burst into tears. But I held them in.

"Thank you," I whispered

"So what happened? You look..." she trailed on, her eyes still on the road

I know what I must've looked like; wet, tangled hair, mascara tracks down my cheeks, messy slutty clothes. I looked just like the wreck I felt inside.

"Like you've been through hell. And like you're about to throw up,"

At the word throw up, I remembered the memory this morning.

"Actually, this morning after our... fight, I had this weird like, flashback? I don't know but it was of well, Alex. I don't remember it actually happening but it felt so real," I didn't know why I was telling Ruth this. She felt so supportive, my rock and I just needed to get this off my mind, for someone to reassure me this was nothing to be freaking out about.

"What was it about?"

"Strangely enough, it was of me throwing up and Alex being horrifyingly sweet. He wasn't disgusted whatsoever,"

"Someone once told me 'When someone shows up in your dreams, that person is missing you.' Sometimes during the day, I remember glimpses of my dream every now and then."

"So you're saying I had a dream about Alex? And that he misses me?"

She simply shrugs. I sit there and ponder a reality of Alex actually missing me after what he did to me. He clearly doesn't love me after that incident so what does it matter if he did? I know I could never forgive someone like that, forget love. But if it didn't matter, why did Ruth, the person who knows me best, think it maybe did.

"Do you think you could go home like that? Or do you want to come over to mine?" Ruth's voice takes me out of my thoughts

A smile surfaced on my lips. My Ruth, who always thinks of me before herself. "Um, I think it would be best if I went home. Everyone's at work so I could just take a long hot bath and sink in with some tea and The Notebook. I need some time by myself."

"Okay," she turns into the next intersection.

"Ruth?"

"Hmm?"

"Does this mean you're not angry with me anymore?" I dared to ask, even though it didn't come out as more than a squeak

She laughs, "Yes my babes."

I laugh out in relief. "Thank you. And I'm sorry. I understand what you were trying to say. After all, you know me more than I know myself."

"Yes, I would believe so." she laughs again

"And Ruth?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you ask about what happened back at Stephen's?"

The car comes to a halt on my driveway. She turns to me, her eyes deep and earnest "I know you will tell me when the times you're ready."

I smile "Thank you," I open the car door but turn back around "I love you, you know that?"

She giggles "I love you, too."

It was great to have a best friend