Why is the Sky Sad?

“I’m sorry.”

James was sitting on the floor, directly across from Emma, feeling incredibly guilty. He was so mean to her, so mean and she didn’t deserve it. None of what he told her was her fault; he just wanted someone to blame. And she was the only one he could. God, he felt so bad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was e-even saying. It wasn’t your fault, none of it. It’s my brain’s fault.”

His attempt at a little humor didn’t help anything. But at least Emma cracked a smile. He hadn't blamed his brain since Emma had first arrived. And he wasn't going back to it now. He'd just accept the fact that he doesn't have very many friends- or any friends. He was sincerely okay with it. Yes he wished to be normal, more than anything. But that wasn't going to happen and he'd be okay. In a screwed up way, Emma was the one who showed him that.

“No, don’t be sorry,” She whispered, “ I was horrible to you in elementary school and you’re right I shouldn’t have come back or slept with your dad.”

“You should’ve come back. I’ve liked seeing you.”

He wasn’t sure how he was talking this much without being too awkward- it wasn’t like him. Especially after having a panic attack he should be hiding in his room, reading and feeling like a loser. But he wasn’t. He was comfortable with Emma, she was actually like a friend. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

“I’ve liked seeing you too, it’s been so fun.”

James couldn’t help but thinking that this was a goodbye. He knew she was leaving- probably to visit her sister or go to college, and strangely he was okay with it. If she needed a break- she should go get one. Who was he to stop her?

James almost laughed at himself. This was definitely not normal; this entire situation was so surreal. He was just watching the love of his life walk away. And he wasn't really mourning, even within himself.

“When will you be back?”

“I don’t know.”

And strangely, James was okay with that too.



“Mom.”

Maria spun around so fast, that her bag dropped to the floor, her heart racing beneath her chest. James. She felt her lips tug into a smile, glad that she ran into him before Richard. And he was actually speaking to her. And he didn’t seem too upset. She was definitely glad.

“Hi mom.”

James was back to being awkward, but he had promised himself that he would say all he needed to, to his mom. He wasn’t going to let her suffer because of him.

“Oh, hey sweetie.”

She wanted to hug him, but she knew he wouldn’t like that. Talking was just fine. In fact, it was better than fine.

“Why are you here?”

Her voice was stuck in her throat, her lips dropping into a frown. He really hated her that much? He didn’t even want to try?

“I-” She didn’t know what to say. What could she say to the son she had abandoned? To the son that she had tried to change for years?

“Mom, dad cheated on you. Aren’t you gonna leave him?”

She shook her head, “No. No- I love you too much.” If that's what he was worried about- her leaving again- he didn't have to be. She was going to stay forever. And, eventually they'd go back to being a normal family.

James wasn’t really sure what to say. He wanted to nod and run up to his room, slam his door and shut everyone out. But he couldn’t do that anymore. He had sat and talked with Emma until she couldn't stay any longer and they had concluded that he needed to talk with his mother. He at least owed her that much. He hadn't even been there for her when she was in the hospital. But now he was stuck and all he kept thinking about was running away. Fight or flight. He wasn’t much of a fighter.

“Mom I-I-I,” he took a breath to collect himself, “I-I can’t say I love you, well not anymore. But I may learn to like you- eventually, um, eventually love you. But not if you stay with dad. You deserve more. He cheated on you with someone he didn’t even love.”

Maria tilted her head to the side- not believing that this was actually her son. He seemed like a different person- someone whom she actually wanted to get to know. Not that she didn't want to be a mother to the son she left, but it was good to know that he had changed. Not his brain, his condition, she could tell that he still had it in him- but the way he expressed it. His thoughts were much more reasonable, he was starting to see that the world was populated by humans. Only humans.

"Oh, sweetie."

She hugged him before she could stop herself, squeezing him tight to her body. He didn't react, embrace the hug or push her off, so she stayed for a minute, memorizing her son's smell. She had missed it.

When she did pull away, she saw a hint of a smile of her son's face. So he didn't hate her. Maria grinned, picking up her bags and leaving with a few words of goodbye. She’d be back – but just for James. She wasn’t stuck with Richard anymore. She was free.



Bea squeezed his hand, smiling up at James. He seemed nervous, his hand all clammy but he didn’t let go. He actually squeezed back. And he wasn’t even drunk.

“You know, if we wait any longer you’re going to be late,” she said. It did nothing to make him move, so she added, “And then everyone will be staring at you when you walk in.”

He nodded, and Bea could hear his breath from where she was standing. He was nervous, of course he was. But she had faith in him, she knew he could do it. Lately, James had cracked his shell. And, as a favor to Emma, but secretly more for herself, she wanted to help him break it.

James on the other hand, was starting to regret ever agreeing to this. Sure he had read the book, sure he had his own opinions, but he couldn’t ever share them, even if Bea was by his side. This was not a good idea, he'd known it from the start. But, when his father had tried to connect with his son, still failing but in a half amusing way, James just couldn't take back his agreement. So now he had to do this.

“You don’t even have to talk.”

Bea was right, he knew she was. And he wasn’t planning on talking, but still. He couldn’t move. He just couldn’t. His legs were frozen in place, his feet glued to the ground. So much had changed lately, so many people had left, maybe he wasn’t ready for this. No, not maybe he definitely wasn’t ready.

As Bea, patient as ever, kept trying to get James to move, to take the two steps into the building where the book club was, the sky opened up. The rain came slow at first, but soon picked up speed, drenching both bystanders.

James couldn’t help it. He laughed, letting go of Bea’s hands and lifting his palms up towards the sky. It was raining, the sky was crying. He laughed again, tilting his face toward the sky as well. Bea was tugging at his arm, not wanting to get even more soaked but he couldn’t leave just yet.

Because, sometimes it’s okay to change- to leave. Maria isn’t far and Emma will be back – or maybe not. It really doesn’t matter, because sometimes there is no choice- like rain falling from heaven’s eyes.

The sky isn’t sad- the sky never was. It’s just letting the rain go, because sometimes, leaving- changing is the best thing that one can do. And the sky’s known that all along.

As Bea finally tugged James into the dry room, leading him away from the rain and into his scary nightmare that wasn't quite as scary any more, James decided that he did like certain people, even when they smiled. And, he knew that what that doctor had said, so long ago was true. He was going to be okay. They'd all end up okay, one way or another.