Letting Go

January

I’m growing weaker every day and am forced to stay at the hospital.

Nik visits me every day and stays as long as the nurses let him. He still makes me feel beautiful even when he holds my hair as I puke.

Not that there’s much hair left, seeing as my mom talked me into trying Chemo one last time.

Let’s just say I’m past being curable.

“Hey, love, how’re you feeling?” Nik asks as he enters the room.

I smile, “A little better, but still really weak.”

He nods and lies by me on the bed so that we could hold each other.

I’m still shocked that he stays with me. I thought he would’ve ditched me after New Years.

But I’m so happy he’s here, especially tonight.

Nik kisses me, “Where’s everyone else?”

“Getting coffee, it’s been a long night.”

He nods, “What does the doctor say?”

I look up at him, “Same as every other day, my time’s getting closer and closer.”

And every day my family is being torn apart, and I’m so sorry that it’s my fault.

Nik runs his fingers over my face and down to my breast to hold my lump. It’s not so much sexual as he’s trying to be comforting.

And it’s one of the reasons why I love him.

I smile and cuddle closer, trying to hide my tears, but as always he knows how to read me and he wipes them away.

When my parents come in they try to be quiet, but it’s hard for them.

And, of course, Nik removes his hand before they could see it.

“Hello Nik, how are you?” My dad asks as he sat down and pulled my mom onto his lap.

“I’m good.” He smiles, but we all know what he means by good.

He means he’s holding on as much as he could, just like we all are.

“That’s good.” My mom says quietly as she takes comfort from dad like I am from Nik.

As the afternoon turns to evening more of my family and friends visit. Nik stayed with me the whole time and when Dr. Anders came in I asked everyone to leave so I could talk to her.

“How are you feeling?”

I look at her, my face discolored and my hair falling out, “Can Nik stay tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

She nods sadly, takes my stats, and leaves to inform my family of my wishes.

My mom, dad, and siblings enter the room, all of them with tears rolling down their faces.

“It’s tonight?” John asks as he tries to stay strong.

I nod, not wanting to talk about what I'm feeling out loud.

My mom cries harder into my dad’s chest, unable to talk through her sobs.

Everyone else comes in, all sad, and no one knows how to say good bye, but that’s okay because at home I have letters for each and every one of them.

When visiting hours are over I give hugs, kisses, and share a few tears.

And when Nik and I are alone he climbs back into bed and holds me close.

“Are you sure?” he whipers, silent tears on his face.

I nod and tighten my hold, my tears gathering on his shirt.

We stay awake and whisper sweet nothings and then we doze and take comfort in the silence.

And when I feel like it’s time I give Nik one last kiss, share one last breath with him.

And I let go.