Are You Losing Him?

Kevin sat at the table in his small kitchen that was part of his small apartment. It only had four rooms, the kitchen, a bedroom, a bathroom, and a tiny living room. Kevin was so grateful for his friend, Brian. Three months ago, Brian found Kevin, homeless and working the streets for cash. He was so used, abused, and broken. Brian got him a job, got him the apartment... He got him his life back.

For one person, the apartment was comfortable. Until Kevin ran into John O'Callaghan. They'd known each other back in high school, and Kevin always had the biggest crush on him. But now, John was in the exact spot that Kevin had been so few months ago. In high school, John was confident and happy and perfect. Now, John was afraid, depressed, and utterly broken.

Kevin was determined. He'd save John just as Brian saved him months ago. So far, it wasn't as easy as he had thought. For one, John wanted nothing more than to stay a dirty streetwhore. Another problem? Kevin realized he was still madly in love with John.

So that brings us to Kevin, sitting quietly at his kitchen table, eating the slightly burnt grilled cheese he had made himself for dinner. John locked him out of his own room again, though at this point they basically shared the room. It made it easier for Kevin to keep an eye on John, but so much harder to keep his hands off of him.

He took another bite of the sandwich when he heard a door swing open. Seconds later, John appeared in ridiculously tight black jeans and a plain white v-neck. There were a few tearstains streaked down his face. In his left hand, he held a garbage bag filled with clothes.

"I'm leaving," he declared bitterly. Earlier, John and Kevin had gotten into an argument. John tried going out. He would have come back eventually; he was just looking for a quick fuck. But of course Kevin wouldn't let him. He had called him a filthy streetwhore, so John locked him out of the bedroom and cried.

"No, you aren't," Kevin responded blankly, putting the last piece of the sandwich in his mouth. "John, you are not going back to the streets. You're better than that."

John just shook his head at the younger boy. "I-I.... I need this," he said quietly, gripping the bag of clothes even tighter.

Kevin stared up at him with soft eyes, feeling his pain. "John, you don’t need to sell your body. There are other ways you can make money. I'll get you a job and-"

"It isn’t about the goddamn money!" he snapped, turning quickly to get out of the apartment. He needed to get out. He needed to escape. Sure, his escape was sex and alcohol, but that didn’t matter right now.

As he reached for the doorknob, a hand grabbed his wrist, spinning him around. John found himself dangerously close to none other than Kevin Bard. "If it's not the money, then what is it? Please, let me help you," Kevin's blue eyes were heavy with concern, and John had to look away before they broke his heart.

"I-I-I just n-need this," he stuttered out, staring at his feet.

Kevin placed both his hands on John's cheeks, forcing him to look at him. "Whatever it is that you need, I'm here for you," Kevin told him softly, resisting every urge to kiss the green-eyed boy in front of him.

Angrily, John pulls his face away from Kevin's soft, gentle hands. "You're not here for me! I'm just some stupid little experiment to you. A worthless whore! You keep trying to fix me, but damn it, I'm not broken!"

Kevin started at the older boy, hurt heavy in his light blue eyes. He hadn’t meant to upset John. "I'm sorry," his voice is so quiet, at first he thought John didn’t hear him, but he knows from the angry look on John's beautiful face that he did hear.

"Don’t tell me you're sorry! Just let me leave this fucking apartment! I gotta get out. I need... I need to...." John froze. What did he need? Was it the sex, to make him feel good? The attention to make him feel important? "I-I need to feel loved again-"

"To feel loved? You think you're going to find love inbetween the dirty sheets of a motel bed with some lonely old man that just bought you off the streets?" Kevin yelled at John. The green-eyed boy flinches as the loudness of Kevin's voice. It was so rare for him to lose his temper that it shocks John. "What kind of love is that?"

"It's the only kind I know!" John shouts back, before lowering his head in shame. Leaving shouldn’t be this difficult. He hadn’t expected Kevin to care so much.

A silence falls upon the two. Kevin lightly placed his hands on John's face. The bag of clothing he'd been clinging to slipped from his fingers, landing on the ground with a soft thump, as he stared at the beautiful blue-eyed boy in front of him. "Please, I don’t want you to leave.... let me teach you about love," Kevin whispered gently, before pushing his lips against John's. The kiss was sweet and delicate, their lips fitting together perfectly.

When they pulled away, Kevin looked ashamed at what he had just done, but John smiled at the shorter boy. "I'd like that." Blue eyes stared up at him in confusion. "I'd like you to teach me about love." And with that, John leaned down, pressing their lips together in a rough kiss.

Kevin pulled back for air, and John's lips jumped to his neck, kissing and sucking gently. "Love is more than just sex. It's passion and emotion," Kevin wants to make John stop, because he knows exactly what will happen, but it feels so damn good that he can't resist. Although he was attempting to keep it from going to far, the moment John slides his smooth hands up his shirt, Kevin lost himself completely.

The sex-craving streetwhore Kevin was back, and he didn’t care that what they were about to do wasn’t love. He didn’t mind that it was all lust. It was just so good, and it kept John from leaving him.

John pulls Kevin's shirt off, his hands moving to work at his belt next, while Kevin pushes them into the bedroom, their lips moving perfectly in sync.

Soon, the two are on the bed, their mouths moving perfectly together. When John pulls away to get a condom, the whore in Kevin vanishes completely. "This isn’t what love is," he stated softly, so soft that John didn’t hear him. Or maybe he did, but it didn’t stop him from thrusting deep inside the blue-eyed boy, making him instantly forget how wrong it was.

A little while later, the two boys laid in a messy pile of sweat and limbs, two heartbeats perfectly aligned, tangled up in now dirty sheets, Kevin wraps his arm around John's thin waist, pressing soft kisses against his shoulder blade.

"I'm glad you didn’t leave me," Kevin mumbles sleepily against John's soft skin. Before John could respond, Kevin's eyes close as the green-eyed boy's heartbeat lulled him to sleep.

When Kevin wakes up to sunlight streaming through his curtain, he's not surprised that the spot where John once laid was empty and cold.

He probably should be surprised John is gone. He should be surprised and angry and lonely but he's not. He should at least try to find John. But he won't.

As of now, John is just a streetwhore to him, someone he once knew, someone he didn’t even know anymore. He was someone who was just going to get used and broken and never know what love is.

That was why Kevin wasn’t surprised. He knew John just wanted to be loved. They both knew he was never going to find it out on the streets. But he got to experience love. Kevin loved John, and that was the closest to real love he'd ever get.

So Kevin let him leave. He knew what love was. He felt it, he experienced it. He didn’t need countless men, all nameless faces, to make him feel loved.

All he had to do was think how someone cared enough to get him off the streets, and he knew he was loved. As much as Kevin wished John would realize that, he knew he never would.

Kevin knew that now that John was gone, he'd never come back. He got what he wanted, he had no more purpose in Kevin's small apartment.

And even though he should be upset and lonely, Kevin still smiles.

He knew what love is.

Love is letting go.

So that’s exactly what he did.