You're My Addiction

I'm not the kind of girl who lives life second by second, I never have been. I'm not confident enough to lead my life not knowing where the next day is going to take me, I have to know how stable my future is going to be so I can avoid worry. I envy the kind of people who can live that way because I wish that I could be more like them. Really, I do. Being so carefree is hard in the world today. I don't know how someone can go one minute without thinking of something troubling like bills, a job, or who is mad at you today. I used to be close with three people who were like that, though.

I also was not the kind of girl who believed in fate, and I didn’t think that everything happens for a reason. I think I'm starting to be like that though. When those three people were ripped from my life, I thought that it was just time for it to happen, not that it was meant to be. When they were brought back into my life four and a half years later, I still did not think that fate brought us together. I used to scream out at the universe, wondering why everything never turned out right for me, but I did not think that it was fate that made it happen. I did not think that I had to suffer before things would finally turn around for me.

I remember that one month where I thought that things would never look up, when those three people let me down. They left me out in the cold all by myself when I needed them most, and I thought that I would never forgive them. But, it turns out that time really does heal your wounds, and after four years of college, I was ready to forgive those three people, if they would take me back.

It is still so clear in my mind, all of those words that were exchanged between us, and I cringe every time I hear them, wishing I could take them back. All that time ago, it was no surprise that we fell apart though because it had been coming for a long time. I argued constantly with the three of them because I was worried. I was worried that they would harm themselves beyond repair, and I couldn't just sit by and let them do that to themselves. Well, I was worried about their well being, but maybe I was also worried that I would lose them forever if I didn’t say anything. And, ironically enough, maybe it was my attempts at keeping them close that pushed them even farther away.

Every weekend was just a big party to them, another chance to do drugs and to drink. My brother would come into the house barely able to stand up on his own, and I would watch over him after he passed out. I covered up for him to our parents so that he would never get into trouble. He was my brother, and he was my most favorite person in the world. He was a part of me I thought I would have died without.

He was always there for me, always, until those last few months. He had asked me numerous times to meet him places so we could do something together, like get something to eat, but I would always find myself waiting for an hour before I finally gave up and went home. He was beginning to let me down, and I was starting to tear apart inside.

I asked him to be there for me just one more time after that. It was so important to me that he be there at my graduation. I had worked so hard to keep my grades up, and whenever I was so stressed that I was ready to breakdown, he was there to help me through. I was ready to go off with a full scholarship to college, and I wanted him to be there to share that moment with me.

As I went up to accept my diploma, I scanned the crowd, my eyes finally falling upon my parents and the empty chair that was in between them. He had let me down again, and it felt like the lump in my throat would choke me as I took my seat again.

I left the next morning, across the country and to a new life in college. The last time I had talked to my brother before I left was when I had begged him to come to my graduation. He is not the reason that I had left so suddenly though, and it was not because of my once best friend, either, but it was because of another boy who was so special to me.

It was because of just one boy that I had left California, though, no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise. He had ripped out my heart before I left, and as I spent my days studying through college, I knew that it was still with him. I didn't fall hard for any boys in college because my heart was not my own to give out anymore, it was his and always had been. It was still in California where it had refused to leave when I had run away from all of my problems.

Even though I knew my heart was still in his hands, I was sure he didn’t realize he possessed the most important part of my being. It killed me to know that he had never loved me like I had loved him, and somewhere, I knew that no one else could ever take his place. I never told anyone of my feelings for him, and I'm not even sure if he himself knew what I felt, but I'm pretty sure that he did have a little idea that I felt something, but he just didn't know how much.

He hurt me beyond anything I had ever felt before, and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel that way ever again. He didn’t know just how much he had hurt me though, and that was my fault. Even though I thought he didn’t feel a fraction of the feelings I held for him, I still let my vulnerability be known. I couldn’t be mad at him for taking advantage of that, though. I couldn’t be mad at him for anything, and I loathed myself for that.

I hated to love him, and just as I thought that I had pushed him and all of those feelings into the deepest corners of my mind, at least the deepest he would allow me to put him in, something happened that changed everything for me.

As I was packing the week that marked the end of my college experience, I can recall the one moment that changed everything that I had planned. This one moment is one of the few that I can remember every single detail of, like all that are so important and life changing.

I remember the low rumble of voices in the dorms, a signal that one more school year was just about to come to an end. I remember that it was particularly noisy that day because it was pouring out, so everyone was inside. The curtains on the windows of my dorm were closed to block out the dreary day, and the smell of perfume hung in the air from the night before when I had sprayed it. I was still feeling a little tired because I didn't go to sleep until late, and I woke up early due to the sound of thunder rumbling through the mountains. I also had a small headache, and was just about to get something to relieve it when my cell phone came to life on my night stand.

It was on vibrate and danced across the surface, threatening to fall onto the floor before I reached out to pick it up. The number was one that I did not recognize, but I answered it anyway, almost as if something was telling me that I had to answer my phone, that my future depended on it. My fingers tingled and I grew dizzy as I contemplated answering the phone, but I knew that someone important was waiting on the other line.

Call it intuition, call it fate, or call it anything else you want, but the voice that answered as I flipped open my phone was one that I had not heard in a long time. As the voice greeted me, I found myself needing to sit down to keep from falling. It was the voice of my brother, the person who had let me down so much, who was now telling me that my future was intertwined with his own. I was to give my carefully made plans to him, to move in with him in California. Apparently, our parents thought that it would be the perfect way for us to reconnect again.

At the time I thought that that phone call would be the end of me. Everything that I had worked so hard for would be torn apart and wasted, but I was wrong.

Never in a million years had I thought that just one phone call would be the one thing that would change my life forever, or that it would lead me to the person who would become the most important to me.

I, Ellie Sanders, never thought that the one phone call that my brother, Matt, made to me would lead me to everything that I had been searching so hard for all of my life. It also led me back to the people who I had never been able to replace during my life at college. But, most importantly, it led me back to my heart that I had left behind so many years ago in the hands of a boy who had brown eyes and dreams that were bigger than the sky.