You're My Addiction

Ellie sat sipping champagne as she waited for Val to come out and show them the next dress she was trying on. She was sitting next to Michelle, and she was trying not to think of the fact that Brian basically dated her for a period of time not too long ago. She was a nice girl, and if it wasn’t for that fact, Ellie could have seen herself being good friends with her. But it was true, so Ellie did have a little trouble accepting her completely.

“I’m really glad I finally got to meet you, Ellie,” Michelle said, starting conversation between the two of them while they waited for Val. “The guys always said such good things about you, so I’ve always wanted to meet you in person. They talk very highly of you, you know.”

Ellie smiled politely. She didn’t mean to be rude, but she didn’t know what else to say. “Brian told me about you the other day,” Ellie replied. “He said you two were pretty good friends.”

Michelle laughed for a minute before thinking what to say. She looked like she thought Brian told her the wrong story of their relationship. Ellie was just trying to find out how serious they really were from the girl’s perspective. She suddenly wished that Val would come out already so the awkward conversation could end.

“Brian and I crossed over the friendship line a long time ago. I don’t think we ever could go back to being just friends. I haven’t even seen him in awhile,” Michelle said. “Whenever we were in the same place, it was always awkward conversations and then we would both look for a way out of being alone. You know those relationships where you can’t go back to being friends again? That’s kind of how we are. We were together for way too long just to forget everything. He is probably one of the people I loved the most in my life. There’s just something about him, you know?”

Of course Ellie knew. She had experienced that with Brian before Michelle had ever even met him. Ellie was starting to get a little bit jealous, and she hated feeling that way. She hated forming an opinion about someone before she got to know them enough.

“How long were you together?” Ellie asked curiously. She hoped she didn’t seem too obvious by asking too many questions.

“For about a year and a half, on and off,” Michelle replied. “Usually he would end it for some reason, and then we would get back together a few weeks later. The relationship was starting to wear on my because it wasn’t becoming serious and stable enough to last, so I ended it for good. He seemed relieved though. In all the time we were together, there always seemed to be this part of him that was closed off. When we used to have conversations about where our relationship was going, he just always seemed so distant.”

“That is odd,” Ellie replied. “I was in a relationship that was going nowhere once. I also found that it was better to let him go rather than to keep trying. It’s always the best option, even though it may hurt to let him go at first.”

No one was a better expert at a relationship with Brian than she was. Ellie believed she knew more about Brian than anyone else. The guys knew the friendship side of him while Michelle knew the romantic side. Ellie had experienced both sides, and she knew him for much longer than Michelle had. Ellie knew him a little less now, but she still thought she knew more of him as a whole.

“They were right about you,” Michelle said with a smile. “You are a nice girl. Brian even told me once that the guy who got to marry you would be the luckiest man on earth.”

Ellie was glad that Val came out at that moment because everyone was way too focused on her to even notice her expression. What Michelle had said definitely struck a nerve with Ellie. If Brian had thought she was so great, why hadn’t he stuck around longer?

Quickly pushing her thoughts aside like usual, Ellie got up to go and fuss about Val’s wedding dress. It was a simple white one, and Ellie didn’t expect anything different. Val wasn’t the kind of girl who liked flashy things. Everyone knew right away that this was the dress she wanted to get married in. Val smiled a little bit, and Ellie could tell that she was experiencing a thousand different emotions at once.

Matt and Val had gotten over their fight quickly, and their relationship was just as strong as ever. They were so lucky they had found each other because they really did fit perfectly together. They had found each other so young it almost seemed unfair that they never had to search too hard for the right person. A long time ago, Ellie had believed Brian was the right person for her, but it took her years to realize otherwise. Now she thought she was never going to find the person who was right for her. Her biggest fear had always been the thought of being alone. If that did come true though, she had no one to blame for that except herself.

Ellie had always pushed everyone away from her when they got too close. She had also kept Brian at a distance for awhile, too. Since he did break her heart the one and only time she let her guard down, chances were she wouldn’t be letting it down ever again.

She had been standing off at a distance when Val’s sister and other friends gushed over the dress, but now Val smiled at Ellie. She felt she had a special bond with Val the past few months, and she was happy she got to share this special moment with her. She went over and gave Val a hug.

“My brother is so lucky he has you,” Ellie whispered. “He couldn’t have found anyone more perfect for himself.”

Val laughed, and Ellie could tell she was crying a few tears out of happiness. At that moment, the reality of the marriage hit Val with its full force. “And I’m so lucky to be gaining a sister-in-law as special as you,” Val replied before releasing Ellie from her grasp. She sniffled and wiped a few of her fallen tears away. Ellie was glad she wasn’t the one crying for once.

“I’m one hundred percent positive this is the dress,” Val told the sales associate. “Now we just need to pick out the dresses for the bridal party. We finally decided that the color for the wedding was going to be a pale yellow.”

“Yellow! I thought you two were stuck between red and turquoise?” Michelle asked.

“We were, but we ended up compromising on a color we both equally liked. Plus, we thought this color would go better with an outdoor wedding.”

“You two solve your issues in the weirdest ways, but I guess I should learn from you since you’re the one getting married and not me,” Michelle said with a laugh. Ellie silently agreed with Michelle. Maybe she was doing something wrong that kept her from finding and keeping the man she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with.

Ellie and Chris loudly entered his room in a fit of laughter. They had just come back from dinner and drinks with Sara and Will, and they had gone for a small walk together on their way back from the restaurant. It was odd that they had such common personalities, and they often knew what the other was thinking without spoken words. They had just run into one of his housemate’s one night stands doing the walk of shame… at one o’ clock in the morning. The girl had been on Ellie’s floor in her freshman year, and she always had the nastiest personality. She had been especially rude towards Sara that whole year, who was the only other blonde resident on the floor. Needless to say, Ellie never liked the girl much, and now she was the one who got to be embarrassed. Ellie always liked the saying that karma was a bitch.

Chris lived in a house off campus with Will and a bunch of other guys they were friends with. Once they had seriously started to date, Ellie found herself spending the night at Chris’s rather than in her dorm room. She felt bad that she saw Sara less, but Sara didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she encouraged it most of the time.

They had been dating for a little bit over a year, but Ellie still couldn’t say that she loved him. She hated herself for that. He was the kind of boyfriend that every girl wished to have. He brought her flowers all the time, he took her out to nice places, they had an amazing time together, and, most importantly, he never treated her with an ounce of disrespect. She also quickly found that Chris had a very similar personality to her own.

She was happy with him, and she loved spending time with him, but lately Ellie realized that something was missing. Chris was good looking, but she always felt that the strong spark of attraction and passion was missing from their relationship. When she was with him, it wasn’t like it had been with Brian. She missed the fact that Brian just completed her since they were polar opposites, and she often found herself wishing it was Brian that was touching her instead of Chris. She had tried to ignore it all this time, but these days the feelings were stronger than ever.

It was affecting her and she knew Chris could tell she wasn’t giving her all into the relationship. She still had not opened her heart and soul to him. She told herself it was because she couldn’t trust just anyone with her heart anymore, but she was also starting to think it was because Chris just wasn’t the one for her.

In the beginning of the relationship, Ellie got to experience dating for the first time. She had never been on a real date before, and she enjoyed the new experience. After a month, she thought she genuinely started to really like Chris on a romantic level. She found herself thinking of Brian less and less, and sometimes she had gone days without even thinking of Brian’s name.

Now, she thought of Brian more than ever, and it was making her miserable. She loved the relationship she had with Chris, and for a long time she really did like having him as a boyfriend because it made her heart ache a little less. She had just started to think he could be the one to heal her heart, but in the past few weeks her thinking had changed. It turned out that covering up the wound and fixing it were two different things.

She had started to miss Brian, and she sometimes felt that her body ached just to see him again. It was then she realized she still loved him, and that was preventing her from loving Chris. She wanted to love him, she really did. The only reason she could think of not to love him was that he just was not Brian Haner Jr. Ellie hated that realization, but there was nothing she could do to change it.

Chris quickly kissed Ellie and picked her up. She started laughing again as he carried her over to his bed. Before he put her down, he looked her straight into the eyes, and his look made Ellie stop laughing. She knew what he was going to do because she saw it spelled out clearly in his eyes. She tried to stop him, but he was too quick for her.

“Ellie, I love you,” Chris said with the biggest smile ever on his face. She knew what she was supposed to say back, but how could she tell something that was such a big lie. She hated not being able to say the words back because she knew she was going to hurt him. It wasn’t fair to lie, though.

The longer her silence lasted, the more his smile faded and the more Ellie wished she could disappear. Chris placed her on the bed so she was sitting on the edge and he took a seat next to her. He sighed and put his face into his hands. She knew this was not going to end well because it had been coming for a long time.

“I’m sorry,” she replied quietly. It was the only thing she could think to say. “I just don’t want to say it unless I mean it. It’s not fair to you.”

“We’ve been together for over a year, and you still can’t say that you love me?” It was a question, but the way he said it made it sound more like a statement. “I’ve been patient with you, Ellie, because I know that relationships are hard for you, but how long is it supposed to take? If you don’t love me already, you have to ask yourself what if you never will?”

“I know it’s not right. I want to love you, I really do, but I just don’t feel like I’m there yet. I’m not going to tell you something that’s not true,” she replied. She felt more and more awful with each passing second. He didn’t deserve to be with someone that didn’t feel the same way. She knew what it felt like to be in his position, and she knew it was terrible. She didn’t want to be like Brian.

“It has to be something. I’ve tried to be there for you, Ellie. I know there’s something keeping you from opening up, but you just won’t tell me what it is. Maybe if you just let it out we can work it out together,” Chris said. He sounded like he was pleading for the fate of their relationship. He was starting to realize where this conversation was heading, too.

“I haven’t even worked out what’s wrong with me for myself yet,” she answered softly.

“We can fix it,” Chris whispered. “We get along so great together, it would be stupid to throw something like that away before we even attempted to fix it.”

“I know, but there are some things that I just need to fix by myself, and I have been trying for the longest time. I wish I could give myself to you whole instead of in pieces.” Silent tears spilled over onto her face, because she knew what she had to do. It was different crying for this reason instead of crying because you were the one being hurt. “I’ve been in that position before, I know how it feels, and I could never do that to anyone. I especially can’t do that to you. You’re the most wonderful man I have ever met, and you deserve a girl who can say I love you without thinking about it twice.”

“Ellie don’t do this,” Chris said. He wasn’t crying, but she could tell he was hurt and upset.

“I feel terrible for having to do this, and I hate having to make you feel like shit,” she went on. “But someday you’ll look back on this and you will be glad that I ended it. It feels so much worse to be stuck on someone who you love with all of your heart, while they can’t return the same feelings. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally, so it’s not fair for me to keep this relationship going if I can’t feel the same way as you.”

“You love someone else,” he said. He wasn’t angry when he said it, but it was more like things were starting to fall into place for him. Ellie just smiled faintly.

“I hate to say goodbye,” Ellie said. “You really are a wonderful person, and I never could have asked for a better boyfriend.”

Chris reached out and gave her the warmest hug she had ever received in her life. “Then don’t say it. This isn’t the end. I’m going to be there when you finally get over whoever this person is. If he doesn’t love you, someone else has to be there. You said it yourself, everyone deserves to be loved, and you can’t forget that includes yourself. You can’t go on forever loving someone who doesn’t give it back.”

“I know,” Ellie answered. “That’s why I’m ending this now before you get in too deep. No one was there to make sure I never got to the point where I couldn’t feel that for anyone else.”

Her own words made her feel worse. She realized just how broken she still was after four years, and she started to think there was no hope anymore because she just couldn’t seem to get over her love for Brian.