I Was Never Touched, Until I Met You...

I slowly and gently dislodge myself from Mathew’s slight grip and walked to our joined bathroom. I peeled off my clothes and now sticky boxers and climbed into the shower. The water heated up and soon began to steam. I let the hot water beat against my chest and wash away all the shame and dirt away from my skin. No matter how white my skin look I still feel dirty. I grabbed a loofah that I found hanging on a hook, it felt a bit rough, and that is just what I needed. I poured Detol and soap on my skin and began to rub. I rubbed and scrubbed until my chest was sore and raw. I fell to the floor and began to cry. I feel dirty, I feel ashamed, and all because the fact that what we did that night felt so right to me. There was a knock on the door, but I didn’t care I just want to clean myself but that just didn’t seem to work. I could never be clean…

“Julian? Julian, are you in there? Is everything ok?” there was a pause in Mathew’s worried voice.

i flinched at the memory of what disgusting thing had just transpired in the bed room. His voice caused me to rub harder at my dirty body. I scrubbed and scrubbed, tears falling free form my pale green eyes. My vision blurred but I wasn’t looking at anything anyway. All I wanted was to scrub this dirty feeling from my body.

I only vaguely remember Mathew busting the door open and swearing as he lifted me from the tub, but I vividly remember the tears that ran down his face. I lifted my hand to wipe the tears from his face, and smiled to him the best I could. He set me on the bed and kissed my hand. His words were muffled but I was sure that he was worrying about something. He ran to the bathroom and brought lots of tissue and a phone. He was panicking and screaming into the phone. I wanted to tell his I was OK, and kiss his tears away but my body wouldn’t even allow me to talk. Slowly my entire body began to feel numb. Mathew’s eyes were wet with tears and he was yelling and shacking me. I put all my strength into a smile and let the darkness I was fighting finally take over.