‹ Prequel: When Things Go Wrong
Status: Complete.
Help Me.
Don't Know Anymore
“I heard Seth was over Marcus’ house yesterday.”
“He was.”
“And you were there.”
“I was.”
“So…did you fuck him?”
The juice that was once in my mouth shot across the room. My cheeks, which were once a normal color, changed to the brightest of pinks. I cough, choke, and eventually regain my breath only to glare at Valerie and ask, “E-Excuse me…?”
“You know…hot, male, butt sex. Did you do it or what?” I’m not sure if I should be worried or scared by the extremely serious look on her face. Did she really think that I’d do that with Seth?Oh, how I want to. But Deni…he…what would he think…
“Of course not!” Is my immediate answer and I pop an ice cube into my mouth in hopes to cool down my cheeks. “I wouldn’t do that…”
“And why not?” Grabbing me by the shoulders the girl forces eye contact between us and I can see the pain and concern in her eyes. It makes my heart throb because I hate making her worry about me. “I’m sorry Max but…Deni is gone ok!”
Ouch…that was like a blade being shoved in my chest.
“He’s gone ok…and I’m positive that if he’s watching he’d be pissed that you aren’t moving on. If there is one thing Deni wanted; it was you to be happy. Just imagine how he would feel knowing that he is the reason you aren’t happy. That’s the exact opposite of what he wants! So please do both Deni and yourself a favor and…move on.”
“Seth is right there. He’s right here and if you just try and talk to him I’m sure you’ll realize that the best thing to do is date. I understand if you don’t want to go fast or do something, but the least you could do is try…ok?”
Suddenly, I don’t feel so great. My stomach hurts and I feel…down, like there’s a weight being pressed onto my shoulders.
She’s right, isn’t she…if Deni saw me unhappy like this he’d go bezerk. If he knew that the reason why I’m so depressed was because of his passing he’d fill guilty. He’d probably cry and do whatever he could to make me feel better. If he knew that I am practically locking myself up with my friends and not speaking with others he’d…he’d be pretty pissed I’m sure.
Maybe I should try and…give Seth a chance…if he likes me that is.
“He doesn’t like me. I don’t even know if he’s gay.”
Seeing Valerie smile like that made me feel a little better. She sighs, in almost relief, before going back into lecturing mother mode. I guess she needs the practice since Julie will one day be a teenage girl…oh god I don’t need to think about that!
Boys…what will I do? I can’t have being like Valerie and I and having a good when she’s 16! Damn…I feel old thinking that.
“It’s called flirting Maxxie…try and see if he reacts.”
Scrunching my nose in distaste I give her an ‘are you an idiot’ look. “Flirting? And how exactly do I do that…flirting with a girl is ten times different than flirting with a guy. I don’t have breasts to interest him with.”
With a roll of her eyes Valerie drags me into the living room, because Julie is crying. I walk over to where she’s sitting on the floor and pick her up into my arms. Cradling her into my chest, I smile and allow her to play with my hair, something she does a lot.
“All men are the same Maxxie…just think about how you would want a guy to flirt with you and then try it out.”
“That’s easier said then done.”
“You better try it or so help me I will shove my fist so far up your as-butt that I’ll rip out your prostate and feed it to my dog.”
I wrinkle my nose in disgust and Valerie cackles with laughter. Of course she’d find it funny. She isn’t the one who was threatened to have their prostate ripped out! Jesus, this woman is violent. Remind me why I ever got with her again?
“Whatever. I’m not promising crap.”
As I hold Julie and look into her large blue eyes I realize that I really don’t know what to do. Deni, he still has my heart in his cold hands. He’s not even here, yet he’s controlling my life. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just give him up and move on.
It’s Deni after all. How can I move on from something so great?
Besides…what if Seth learns what happened? What if he knows about how I became so sick of everything that I abused others along with myself? What if he learns that I really am a freak, a monster, and that I fucked up so bad I had to go to rehab?
Would he still be my friend? Would he still be able to hang out with me? Or would he turn away from me just like everyone else in my school did?
And what about Julie…does he even know I have a kid? What if he isn’t ok with that? What if he finds out and thinks that I’m a delinquent or something because of it?
Really…there’s so many things about me not to like. There’s so many things that could ruin our friendship if he knew about them so…what exactly should I do?
I really don’t know anymore…
“He was.”
“And you were there.”
“I was.”
“So…did you fuck him?”
The juice that was once in my mouth shot across the room. My cheeks, which were once a normal color, changed to the brightest of pinks. I cough, choke, and eventually regain my breath only to glare at Valerie and ask, “E-Excuse me…?”
“You know…hot, male, butt sex. Did you do it or what?” I’m not sure if I should be worried or scared by the extremely serious look on her face. Did she really think that I’d do that with Seth?Oh, how I want to. But Deni…he…what would he think…
“Of course not!” Is my immediate answer and I pop an ice cube into my mouth in hopes to cool down my cheeks. “I wouldn’t do that…”
“And why not?” Grabbing me by the shoulders the girl forces eye contact between us and I can see the pain and concern in her eyes. It makes my heart throb because I hate making her worry about me. “I’m sorry Max but…Deni is gone ok!”
Ouch…that was like a blade being shoved in my chest.
“He’s gone ok…and I’m positive that if he’s watching he’d be pissed that you aren’t moving on. If there is one thing Deni wanted; it was you to be happy. Just imagine how he would feel knowing that he is the reason you aren’t happy. That’s the exact opposite of what he wants! So please do both Deni and yourself a favor and…move on.”
“Seth is right there. He’s right here and if you just try and talk to him I’m sure you’ll realize that the best thing to do is date. I understand if you don’t want to go fast or do something, but the least you could do is try…ok?”
Suddenly, I don’t feel so great. My stomach hurts and I feel…down, like there’s a weight being pressed onto my shoulders.
She’s right, isn’t she…if Deni saw me unhappy like this he’d go bezerk. If he knew that the reason why I’m so depressed was because of his passing he’d fill guilty. He’d probably cry and do whatever he could to make me feel better. If he knew that I am practically locking myself up with my friends and not speaking with others he’d…he’d be pretty pissed I’m sure.
Maybe I should try and…give Seth a chance…if he likes me that is.
“He doesn’t like me. I don’t even know if he’s gay.”
Seeing Valerie smile like that made me feel a little better. She sighs, in almost relief, before going back into lecturing mother mode. I guess she needs the practice since Julie will one day be a teenage girl…oh god I don’t need to think about that!
Boys…what will I do? I can’t have being like Valerie and I and having a good when she’s 16! Damn…I feel old thinking that.
“It’s called flirting Maxxie…try and see if he reacts.”
Scrunching my nose in distaste I give her an ‘are you an idiot’ look. “Flirting? And how exactly do I do that…flirting with a girl is ten times different than flirting with a guy. I don’t have breasts to interest him with.”
With a roll of her eyes Valerie drags me into the living room, because Julie is crying. I walk over to where she’s sitting on the floor and pick her up into my arms. Cradling her into my chest, I smile and allow her to play with my hair, something she does a lot.
“All men are the same Maxxie…just think about how you would want a guy to flirt with you and then try it out.”
“That’s easier said then done.”
“You better try it or so help me I will shove my fist so far up your as-butt that I’ll rip out your prostate and feed it to my dog.”
I wrinkle my nose in disgust and Valerie cackles with laughter. Of course she’d find it funny. She isn’t the one who was threatened to have their prostate ripped out! Jesus, this woman is violent. Remind me why I ever got with her again?
“Whatever. I’m not promising crap.”
As I hold Julie and look into her large blue eyes I realize that I really don’t know what to do. Deni, he still has my heart in his cold hands. He’s not even here, yet he’s controlling my life. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just give him up and move on.
It’s Deni after all. How can I move on from something so great?
Besides…what if Seth learns what happened? What if he knows about how I became so sick of everything that I abused others along with myself? What if he learns that I really am a freak, a monster, and that I fucked up so bad I had to go to rehab?
Would he still be my friend? Would he still be able to hang out with me? Or would he turn away from me just like everyone else in my school did?
And what about Julie…does he even know I have a kid? What if he isn’t ok with that? What if he finds out and thinks that I’m a delinquent or something because of it?
Really…there’s so many things about me not to like. There’s so many things that could ruin our friendship if he knew about them so…what exactly should I do?
I really don’t know anymore…