Help Me.

I sat in my room staring blankly up at the ceiling. My roommate, Glenn, was twisting one of his shirts. I had no idea why he did it, I was guessing it was to keep him concentrated on that instead of whatever his addiction is.

Or maybe he’s just weird…

I’m praying for the first one. It’d make me feel a hell of a lot better.

There wasn’t much to do here, in this rehab. That’s what I call it at least. It’s where kids like myself go, ones with problems, and they try their best to fix it.

I sighed and sat up. Immediately I felt Glenn’s eyes on me and I glanced at him. He looked away quickly and I frowned before I stood to my feet and exited our room. We weren’t allowed back outside so I decided to give Marcus a call if they let me.

Thankfully, they did.

“Hello?”

“Hey…it’s me.”

“Max! Hey man, what’s up? How is it up there? Are you doing any better? What’s it like? Did you-”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down tiger,” I chuckled, his words sounding like slight gibberish to me. “Nothing is up. It’s ok up here. I don’t think I’m any better. And it’s not like anything…it’s just…lame.”

Marcus sighed, probably because of my answers to his third question. I don’t think I’m any better. I’m sad to admit that as well.

I found myself often picking furiously at my skin, just to pierce it and feel the sting in my arms. The tree’s outside along with the walls of this horrible place have suffered my wrath on some occasions and a couple of times I’ve tried getting into a fist fight with others here…

I’m sad to say…that I’m not any better.

“How much longer are you going to be up there?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, running my fingers through my hair I tug slightly in anger. “I…I’m hoping to be home for Julie’s birthday.”

“Dude, I’m sorry to say that…probably won’t happen.”

As much as I didn’t want to hear that I knew it was true. It was already the first week of June and Julie’s birthday is June 12th. I want to be there so bad, but something in my gut is telling me that I’m not going to make it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my hardest.

After thirty minutes of speaking with Marcus I had to leave. There were other kids here that wished to call their parents and since we weren’t allowed to have cell phones we had to use their phones. I found myself frowning as I said good-bye to Marcus and asked, “Say hi to Valerie and Julie will you?”

“Yeah, I’ll give them hugs and kisses too,” Marcus laughed. “Get back here soon Max. We all miss you.”

I smiled thinking about that. So…they did miss me…the kid who couldn’t handle the things going on in his own life? It made me feel slightly better to know that the guys were still with me.

After hanging up with Marcus I headed to the cafeteria. It was about time for dinner and I bet Stanley was already there. He ate like a black hole and he liked getting down there early so he could get a hold of all the good stuff before everyone else.

When I found Stanley it was time to get in line. We joked around a bit as we got our food and found ourselves a table to sit at. After that was silence, because Stanley was too busy eating his food and I was too busy thinking about Deni and what it would have been like if he were still here…

I wouldn’t have gotten into any of this shit.

I’d still have him. I’d still be able to hold him, to kiss him, to hug him, and to love him. We’d be together, a real couple, not a hidden one. He’d be mine and I’d be his.

We’d go to movies, out to eat, to the park, and where ever the hell else he wanted to go, because as long as he was happy I was happy. We’d go on walks and hold hands and just enjoy the other’s presence.

If Deni didn’t die then…I’d have the perfect life. I’d have him. I’d have my dad, my friends, Valerie, and Julie. What else is there to life?

Exactly, nothing.

If Deni were still here I’m sure that right now I’d be at home, holding him in my arms, making love to him, telling him how much I love him and how beautiful and perfect he is.

But he isn’t here…he’s gone.

Deni’s gone. My Deni.

“Stop thinking about it.”

My eyes looked away from my food to see Stanley eagerly stuffing his face. He took a moment to actually swallow his food and smile kindly at me as he said, “Whatever is making you look like you’re in pain…stop thinking about it. It’s better to keep the past in the past.”

I sighed as I pushed my untouched food around my plate. “That’s a lot easier said then done…”

Deni, why’d you have to go?