Help Me.

The morning of June 12th I’m already awake and staring at the red numbers of my digital clock. They flash 6:53 A.M. and I have to say…I felt like shit. Not because of how early it was, but because of what today is.

Julie’s birthday. It came by far too soon. As expected, I’m still here. I’m still trapped behind this brick walls without anyone, without my father, friends…I’m here without Deni.

I frowned and looked down at the floor. I was missing my daughters birthday. Her first birthday. What kind of father am I, really? Obviously, a horrible one.

~

“You seem very down today Max. What’s up?” Stanley asked after about a five minute silence between us at the cafeteria.

He was leaving in about a week, lucky bastard. I’ll miss him. I’ll admit that, but we already promised to keep in touch through phone and email. We’ve become such friends that it’d feel weird not to keep in contact with one another.

“Today is June 12th,” I said this with a sigh that clearly stated how depressed I truly was but can you blame me? Wouldn’t you feel the same way?

“Ah…understandable. But just think about it, it could be worse.”

“How?” I gave Stanley a curious look.

“It could be her 16th birthday and you walk in on her having sex…I’m pretty sure that’s worse!”

I chuckled, because he made a point. By the time Julie is 16 I’ll probably be like every other parent, watching over her and making sure that she isn’t sleeping around. But still, I felt like shit because shouldn’t I be there?

She’ll be one. It’s her first birthday. I want to be there. I want to hold her. I want to sing to her even if she doesn’t understand. I want to give her hugs, kiss her cheek, give her presents, and I want to be there to take pictures and write “Julie’s first birthday” on the back like my mother did when I was young.

But I can’t. I’m not there. I’m here, stuck in this hell because of my extreme stupidity. Thinking this made it feel like the air around me cooled until it was nipping at my skin. The colors faded to blacks and grays in my eyes and I groaned.

This was bull. Why is it that all the shit has to happen to me?

I’ve always been a good kid. I’ve always made good grades, listened, took care of my friends and family. I’ve always been kind to people, I treated them the way I wanted to be treated. So why is it that all of this has to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it?

Nothing answered me. Not that I expected something or someone to. I was just wishing that they would.

Stanley and I headed outside. It was now summer and we couldn’t stand staying inside, especially when we only had a couple hours to spend outside anyways.

The sun was bright and the sky clear. It was a perfect day to hang out with friends and oh how I wished Marcus and the guys were here. I could imagine it now, all of us just messing around, skate boarding, going to the park, and doing whatever the hell we wanted.

But I was stuck here with Stanley. Not that it was so bad, hanging out with him was fun…I just wished my other friends could be here with us.

Stanley was currently hanging upside down from a tree while making wild monkey sounds. I smiled and listened to the idiot who was enjoying himself and his fun was contagious. Others were beginning to laugh and enjoy themselves as well.

Suddenly the intercom came on and my name was called. Stanley eyed me suspiciously and I shrugged, unsure as to why I was being called.

I got to my feet and waved good-bye. It took me only a few minutes to get to the office where they directed me to a room that I’ve never been to before. When I opened the door I felt the tears come to my eyes…

“She wanted to see you,” Valerie said, but before she could even hand her to me I had reached out and pulled Julie from her hands to hold her in my arms.

She had gotten bigger and I buried my face in her hair, which was now reaching her shoulders. It was a beautiful brown, matching Valerie’s and when I felt her fingers tangle in my hair the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

My dad, Valerie, and the guys were here. After I had a moment with Julie they all ran over to me, each giving me a squeeze. Jeremy and Marcus squeezed me and made a “man-which” no it isn’t a sloppy joe. It’s me in the middle and those two squeezing me. Not that I minded.

It felt nice, having all of them here with me.

“I didn’t know you all were coming,” I sniffled, wiping the tears from my cheeks while holding Julie in my other arm. She was babbling in my ear, some of it actually sounding like words but she wasn’t completely there yet.

I caught her saying ’dada’ a couple of times, which only brought more tears to my eyes and a larger smile onto my face.

“Come on, you know what today is!” Turner shouted, throwing his arm around my shoulder, giving in a slight squeeze while ruffling Julie’s hair. “How can we throw Julie’s birthday without you?”

Valerie nodded in agreement. “It wouldn’t be right without you.”

I didn’t think they realized how much this truly meant to me. This meant more to me than anything else. I’ve been worrying about missing this, possibly the most important day of the year, and they managed to fix it.

“I really don’t know what I’d do without you guys,” I tried to laugh, but it came out more as a whimper.

My dad moved over to me, throwing his arms around me and squeezing me. When he pulled away he threw me a smile and said, “Come on Maxie, stop crying. Today is supposed to be a good one. Today you’re supposed to be happy.”

I don’t think they realized that I really was happy…