Help Me.

“I’ll miss you, man.”

“Same here.” Stanley hugged me tightly and patted my back. “Keep in contact ok? And if anything goes wrong, just call ok.”

I nodded and with a frown we said our good-byes. Stanley’s parents were here to pick him up today. He was finally leaving, lucky bastard, but I was slightly frightened to not have him around any longer.

He was pretty much my only friend here. He and I ate together, hung out, went to group therapy, and were practically attached to each others hips since the beginning. Now that he was leaving I didn’t know what to do because…

Well, like I said, we did everything together.

I guess I just have to put up with it and continue trying super hard to get the hell out of here.

~

“Max, I’m proud of you. You’ve gone 10 days without a single fight,” Brody said this with a smile, his pen scribbling something on his clip board.

That brought a smile to my face. I really have been trying, ever since I saw Julie exactly ten days ago. Every time I heard an insult or I got that urge, the one to throw a punch, to hurt something, anything, I ignored it. I ignored all of it and focused on whatever I could.

I wanted out of here. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my dad, with Valerie, and with Julie. To do that I have to be on my best behavior, I understand that, but sometimes it’s just so hard. But I know I can do it. I can get home…I just got to try extremely hard.

Besides, I was sane once. Why can’t I be sane again?

“So…if I continue this I can leave right?” I asked, my eyes searching his for the answer.

Brody grinned. “Of course.”

I nibbled on my bottom lip in excitement. I just have to keep this up, that’s all I have to do. I can go home. I can see everyone. I can…visit Deni’s grave. Something that I haven’t been able to do in a long time and I feel like…if I don’t, I’ll be betraying him.

“Max, the dreams, have you still been getting them?” Brody asked the one question I really didn’t want to hear or answer for that matter.

The dreams. Of course I’m still having them. It’s the same one every time, only sometimes Deni’s words are changed, but it’s the same every time. I just…I don’t understand it. It’s like he’s trying to send me a message that I just can’t comprehend.

I really am an idiot.

“Are they causing an problems?”

“Just confusion,” I answer with a frustrated sigh. I tugged at my hair, wishing that I could just get the answer already and stop being so damn confused and frustrated all the time. It’s really nerve wrecking. It’s making me just want to kick puppies.

Brody frowned. “Have you been trying to think of the meaning?”

“Of course. I think…he’s trying to send me a message or something…as crazy as it sounds. I just don’t know what that message is,” I said this while leaning back into my chair and glaring up at the ceiling as if I somehow expected it to spit out the answer, but sadly that didn’t happen. Instead it just stared blankly back at me because it doesn’t have a mouth to spit anything at me with.

Brody tapped his pencil against his desk while contemplating this over. “Do you think it has anything to do with the situation you’re in?”

“I…I didn’t really think of it like that,” I answered, sitting up straighter in realization. That really made sense if I thought about it.

He told me to stop it. Stop what? This, being so crabby all the time, acting like something that we both know I am not. He told me to get up. Get up from what? Get up from this hole that I dug myself into by being such a damn idiot.

I blinked multiple times at the sense I was making. Deni was sending me a message. He was trying to help me. That had to be it, right?

Brody smirked. “Are you understanding it now?”

“Yeah…I think so.”

“Good. We’re getting somewhere so how about you get going? I heard that it’s supposed to be an amazing day today.”

I smiled and nodded. I said good-bye to Brody before getting to my feet and heading outside where Brody told me to. As he said it was an amazing day with no clouds, a bright sun, and just enough heat for it to be warm out, but not so much that you’re sweating your ass off.

I inhaled through my nostrils deeply and went over to a tree where I sat in the shade. Kids passed me by, all minding their own business. I sat here, deep in thought about Deni.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice, feeling his touch, and seeing his beautiful figure. I missed the feel of his hair and lips. I missed seeing his bright green eyes and crazy read hair. I missed hearing him tell me pointless things that in a days time won’t matter.

I missed everything about him.

But he was still with me. He’s still here, helping me even if I don’t know it or completely understand it. He’s sending me messages, I just know he is. He’s still here with me, maybe not in form but in my heart, as cliché as that sounds.

It’s the truth and right now the truth is making me feel a hell of a lot better.

With a sigh I close my eyes and lean back onto the trunk. I relaxed and imagined Deni lying next to me, cuddling into my side with his head on my shoulder. I imagined hearing his soft breathing and his occasional giggle or comment about something around us.

I imagined that Deni was still here with me and I still had a hold of him. I forgot about the world around me, that he was gone, and focused on this dream world just because I knew I needed it.