Help Me.

I woke up the next morning around 10 and bolted. I ran about my room and threw one thing on after the other. When I finally finished getting ready I ran downstairs to see dad in the kitchen reading the newspaper and drinking coffee.

“Can I…use the car?” I asked hesitantly. I wasn’t sure if he trusted me to go alone or not. I had no idea if he wanted to come with me or not.

He nodded. “The keys are on the counter and Max…”

I grabbed the keys and looked back at him curiously. He tore his eyes from the newspaper and looked at me and sighed, “Please don’t stay there all day…you need to-”

“Yeah, I know, don’t worry I’ll be back later,” I cut him off quickly because I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want him to tell me to move on, because we all know that I just can’t. Deni was…he was beautiful and I loved him more than life. I can’t just move on.

I got in dad’s car and backed out of the drive way. The closer I got the cemetery the faster my heart began to pound, the sweatier my palms got, and I shook fiercely. I parked and got on the car to enter the one place that no one wants their loved ones to end up in.

Sadly, they always do.

I frowned and walked through the many rows of head stones. I watched as a few families stood around their passed away loved ones. Some had their heads hung low, silent tears making their way down their face while others simply stood there with a blank expression.

I looked away and finally reached my destination. Standing in front of me was Deni’s grave. Flowers grew from the ground, all different colors. The gray stone stood there with a picture and heart felt words were written across the front.

I kneeled in front of him and hung my head low. Like the people I passed earlier, silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I traced the words ‘a wonderful friend’ with the tip of my finger.

Oh how that was true. He was more than a wonderful friend. He was a perfect lover. He was so kind, sweet, and funny. He cared about others before himself and never once let me stay sad. He was always making me smile and made me realize that things could always be worse.

My insides were constricting. Air became harder to take in. It felt more like an obstacle than something I’m supposed to do everyday. My eyes were burning from the immense amount of tears that I have shed and my nose was becoming heavy.

I choked on my sobs, trying to silence myself. A cemetery is supposed to be quiet, so the dead can rest in piece. But I don’t want Deni to rest. I want him to come back to me. I want him…I want to hold him, hug him, and love him like I once did.

I’m tired of everything in my life going from amazing to fucking terrible. When I finally find something that I adore, something always has to come and ruin it.

Why me? What did I do to deserve it? Nothing! I did nothing. I’ve always been such a good kid, but fuck everything in my life is going down hill…

My father was right. I’ll never forget high school. I’ll always remember it as the worst time of my life, where I lost everything.

I sniffled and inhaled, regaining all the air that I hadn’t been able to take in moments ago. For once, I wanted someone to tell me that everything would be ok, even if they knew it wouldn’t. For once…I wanted someone to hold me and rock me like my mother did when I was little.

For once, I just wanted someone to give me some sympathy…is that bad?

I don’t know how long I stayed there, silently speaking to Deni about everything that’s gone on. I don’t know what people thought when they heard me begging for his forgiveness, but I don’t care.

When I felt like it was time to leave I stood to my feet. I wiped at my eyes once more before I said, “Good-bye Deni. I’ll come visit later, ok?”

I didn’t get an answer. I felt a lump in my throat and I knew more tears were coming, because I was never going to get an answer. His voice…I’ll never hear it again. I’ll never hear his laugh or see him smile. I won’t feel his skin or his lips against my own. I’ll never feel his fingers running through my hair or hear his soft words of comfort.

I’ll never have Deni back and I don’t understand why I had to lose him in the first place…

~

Turner, Marcus, and I sat on the floor. Those two were playing video games while I whined about how school was so close. We only had three days left and I was dreading it.

I know my friends accept me still, but what about everyone else? I’ve never had people avoid me at school before, at least not when I was myself so I don’t know if I can handle it. What if they all think I’m a freak now because of my…mental breakdown?

I bite my bottom lip and look at Turner who is speaking, “Stop freaking out over it man. You’re making me jittery.”

Marcus chuckles, “Yeah, no worries. We always got your back.”

“I know…but I don’t know if I can handle just about everyone hating me,” I sigh and bring my hands up to cover my face as if I expected that just to fix everything.

Turner looks back at me and smiles. I raise an eyebrow as he says, “You’ll never be a freak Max. People don’t know or understand what happened, so don’t take anything they say to heart. They’re just dumb fucks.”

I chuckle, “I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right!”

Marcus scoffs. “Yeah, that’s why you nearly failed the entire year.”

“Hey, fuck you man, fuck you.”