Help Me.

My feet are frozen to place. I can feel my body shaking, hands sweating, and heart rate escalating. I’m nervous, scared, and worried. What if…what if I do take all their words to heart? What if what they have to say is so bad that I just can’t take it?

A hand places itself on my shoulder. I jump, scared that it might be someone ready to bitch at me for being a freak. When I realize it’s only Valerie I sigh in relief and hug her.

“I’m scared,” I whisper into her ear, my grip only tightening on her. I am so happy to have her back. She was a great girlfriend, but she’s a better friend and I think we both have learned that now.

She hushes me, much like a mother would, but she’s had a lot of practice so I guess she is kind of use to it now. Thanks to me…

I feel a little guilty for it. I mean, it is partially my fault we had Julie. I don’t regret having her! I don’t mean it like that. I just wish that I had some more brains and waited longer until I was ready that way none of this would have happened…then again I wouldn’t have met Deni and that is worth all the pain I’ve went through.

Valerie and I pull apart. She’s smiling up at me as she speaks, “It’ll be ok Maxie. You have your friends right beside you. I’m sure people forgot about what happened over the summer!”

“Yeah…they probably did,” I chuckle and it helps me relax some. Maybe they did forget?

~

Boy was I wrong! They didn’t forget at all.

By lunch I’m sure I got ‘psycho’ thrown at me twenty times. About half the school has avoided me, whispered behind my back, and I don’t know how many times I heard people say, “You see that kind over there?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s a freak. I heard he killed a kid!”

“Really!?”

“Yeah, he went to a Looney Ben.”

And now, at lunch, Valerie, Marcus, Turner, Jeremy, and I are sitting at a table…and no one is within six seats of us, or should I say me? I can feel their eyes on me. I can hear them talking about me and it causes me to shrink between Valerie and Marcus.

“Hey man, it’s ok,” Jeremy says to me, ruffling my hair like an older brother would. “They’re all dicks. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.”

Valerie nods in agreement. “Please don’t listen to them, Maxie. It’ll only make things worse.”

“But they’re right!” I shout, throwing my arms over my head. I try to shield myself from their words, but they keep coming in stabbing right at my heart. I can feel it slowly being torn to shreds, again. That seems to be happening to me a lot. “I’m a freak, some psycho kid. I had to go to a damn mental facility because I’m so fucked up! I don’t blame them for hating me…”

“You aren’t a freak, Max! So what if you had a hard time that do-”

I interrupt Turner by nearly blowing up. “I should have known better, Turner! Beating the shit out of others and myself, that’s something that people know not to do naturally, but I’m just fucking stupid. I’m scum of the earth and a freak! I should have known better.”

I got up before any of them could speak. As I stomped out of the cafeteria I could hear the whispers. I could feel all the stares and I suddenly feel like this is going to be a long year.

I’m so stupid, so fucking stupid. Of course I’m going to be hated. I beat the shit out of people for fun, because it gave me a rush. Of course that’s going to frighten people. I shouldn’t have even hoped for some type of recovery.

I sigh and turn the corner only to run into a stone wall. I stumble backwards but a hand shoots out to grab my wrist, helping me keep my footing. After I get my footing I look to see who I ran into…

The first thing I see are two bright green eyes…

My chest tightens in disbelief and I almost go to yell for Valerie and the others. I almost scream for them, to tell them Deni is here. He’s alive, he’s back!

But once I look away from those green eyes, expecting to see Deni, I realize it isn’t him. This boy, the only thing he had in common with Deni are his eyes and fair skin. He’s about the same height as me maybe a little taller. He has dark hair with strips of blonde in it and it goes straight to his shoulders.

I expect him to look away, to run off, because that’s what everyone else would do, but instead he smiles at me, it’s wide and childish, and says, “Sorry, I didn’t see ya there. You ok?”

His voice, it tells me he’s not from around here. He has a bit of a country accent. Is he new?

“Yeah,” I answer, not being able to look away from those eyes that resemble Deni’s so much. “I’m ok…”

The kid smiles, it's sweet and energetic. “Good, sorry again.” He moves around me and I turn to watch him walk away. I don’t want him to leave, I just want to look at his eyes for the rest of the day because they…look exactly like Deni’s, but the boy isn’t him and he’s already down the hall and moving into the cafeteria.

“Fuck!” I shout, slapping myself in the face. I didn’t catch his name!

I really am stupid.