Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You.

I stared at the mirror in horror. No longer did I look like the 21-year-old Holly Rae, but more or less the 18-year-old Jasey Rae. The looks I had been given from Jack and Maria the entire day said as much. Jack's face had finally showed acknowledgement of Maria and my plan, Maria's only showed smugness at getting her own way. It was after the show by now, and I was waiting for Alex in my car, about to get out and sit on the hood of the car with my hood up until Alex came. The nerves I had felt earlier had surpassed my prediction, hitting a hundred and carrying on without sign of stopping - the mixture of fear and nerves growing higher and higher as each and every second passed, knowing only that tonight was the night Alex would finally see me for who I was.
"Sweet ride," Alex's voice called from across the parking lot. I had been sat on the front of my Chevy for about two minutes, purple hood covering the mess of blonde hair I had created only hours earlier. "'67?" He asked, placing a small kiss on my lips with a smile.
"Damn straight. It makes me feel like Dean Winchester when I drive it," I grinned at him. The nerves softened as I look up at him - he still made all my fears melt into nothingness with a mere look. He stood back, observing the Impala I had bought a year after moving out here. It had been a dream of mine for some time, and even though I was on minimum wage, I felt it was worth it to blow most of that wage on this car. And by God was it worth it.
"You're the most amazing girl I have ever met in my entire life," Alex laughed, hugging me tightly when he came back from admiring the car. "Classic Chevrolet's are gods in disguise. Speaking of gods; why is your hood up?" I snorted, nerves and fear flooding back into my system.
"You'll see when we get to my place," I stated simply. He frowned, but nodded, following me into the Impala after I had brushed off the back of my two-year-old jeans. They had been my favourite pair the entire time.
I was as normal as possible on the ten minute ride to my place, though admittedly I knew that would be a pretty bad interpretation of normal, and I knew Alex would know there was something big about to go down. I took a deep breath as I pulled into my apartment complex, holding it until Alex recognised it. I looked over at him, watching as his expression became steadily more confused. I felt like the worst person in the world right now.
"You coming?" I asked quietly after I had parked my car, Alex still staring up at the building in front of him. He nodded silently; taking my hand the moment he caught up to me, though his eyes never once left the building. I opened the door to my apartment, flicking the light on and leading him to the living room, him trailing behind me but never once letting my hand drop.
"Can I see why you have the hood up now?" Alex asked, trying to stop himself from allowing his eyes to wander around the room in which he had heard my voice call to John just two years before. I nodded slowly, the both of us sitting down on my sofa, though I made no move to pull down my hood.
"I need you to promise me something, Alex; because I need to tell you something. Something big." My heart was pounding at a thousand miles per hour and I knew I wasn't going to back out of this one. That this time he was going to be told everything.
"Anything, Stell; anything at all," he promised, clutching on to my hand. I felt a sense of déjà vu, my mind wandering back to that night in the car with Alex on Thames Street - to him telling me everything about him and Jodie, to him breaking my heart. My lip quivered.
"Alex, do you love me?" I asked softly. His eyes widened, his tongue wettening his lips and teeth biting at whatever part of those lips that were spare. "Honestly." His frantic movements slowed and he looked on at me curiously.
"Yes, Stella, I do. It hasn't even been a month since we met, and I don't know what it is about you, I just love you." My heart cracked. That made it even harder.
"Remember that when I tell you, and remember that I love you, too; that's the only promise you need to make before I tell you."
"I promise, Stell."
"You're going to hate me any second now," I laughed humourlessly. "You're going to find out my name tonight. You're going to find out everything, and you're honestly not going to like it. I hid it from you to stop this happening, I thought if I didn't tell you then I couldn't fall in love with you, and I never thought you'd fall in love with me. I thought you were going to go running back to your Jasey Rae that night and forget all about the merch girl in her old apartment."
"How did yo-" I shook my head, silencing him.
"You'll see how I know in a second. God, this is harder than I thought." I bit at my lip, bouncing my knee but never once letting go of his hand. I needed that; the contact with him. "I ran away from my boy in Maryland, do you remember that? I ran half way across the country, and I still couldn't escape him in the end. Every single thought I've had since 2005 has been about him; every single tiny one. It was killing me thinking about him day and night, and then I came on this tour. Me and you; we became the best of friends in a few short hours - something more only hours after that. But, Alex, I never stopped thinking about my boy in Maryland - just like you've never ever stopped thinking about Holly, not even now."
"But I can only think of you now!" He spluttered, still unsure of what I was saying. "You can't love me if you think of him!"
"Yes, I can. My old boy's name, it was Alexander William Gaskarth, and I kept everything from him because I didn't think this would happen." Tears sprung to my eyes as I watched recognition dawn across his face. He slipped his hand out of mine, and I yearned to pull it back. His now free hand reached for my hood, pulling it down and staring at the golden hair underneath.
"Holly? Baby, is it you?" I bit my lip, nodding and letting tears stream down my face once again.
"I'm so sorry, Alex; it wasn't supposed to happen like this. We weren't supposed to be anything - we weren't even supposed to be friends."
"Do they know? Jack and Maria?" I couldn't hear any anger in his voice, but I couldn't hear happiness either. I didn't know what was running through his mind right now. I nodded.
"Maria recognised me straight away. I couldn't keep anything from that girl." His eyes dropped to the chain around my neck - the now dull knuckle duster necklace he had bought me all those years ago, his eyes slipping further down and staring at my jeans. "They're still my favourite, and I never, ever took this thing off. Just like I promised."
"But I was here! I was here and you were with someone else!"
"I wasn't with anyone. John was over with his PlayStation teaching me how to play, he answered the door and when he told me some boy from Baltimore had been at the door I went out to see, but you'd gone. And you weren't in the parking lot. I didn't know how to call you and tell you anything, I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me after you'd seen John Ohh and heard me."
"I can't do this, Hols; I thought I was over you, I thought I'd moved on and it turns out I just fell in love with you all over again?"
"Didn't you hear me the other week? I thought I was fine! I thought everything was going okay, and then I met you again and I wasn't over you any more!"
"I just- I can't, Jase. Give me time." He stood up, turning toward the door.
"Alex, please; don't go," I whimpered. My heart was aching at the thought of him leaving and never coming back; an ache I thought I'd drown out years ago. I watched him walk to the doorway, standing in the hallway to watch him stand with his hand on the door knob, silent tears streaming down my face with the occasional whimper to go along with them. He sighed heavily, hand falling to his side.
His came back to me in only three long strides, wrapping his arms around me tightly and pressing his lips to my own. His desperation mirrored my own, pushing everything I had into what we were doing, it was so wrong but so right at the same time. I knew I was damned if I did this again, knowing he was going to leave in the morning and not sure if he would ever come back. But at the same time I knew I was damned if this didn't happen, and I knew Alex felt the same.
I didn't know what this was that we were doing, but I knew I had nothing left to lose.