Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You.

"Someone go get my girl!" Jack pouted from the stage. Maria and I had a clear view of the boys from my merch booth and sat laughing at how clingy Jack had become today.
"Oh, suck it up Barakat. We'll play her a song while you mope," Alex laughed. He and I had spent most of the day on his bus, moving to the back room and sitting on the bed when the others came in. We'd just sat, and we'd talked about everything we thought was relevant, and let drop anything we didn't want to say. I smiled happily when his eyes landed on me, though I knew I was probably tiny to him and he wouldn't be able to see my smile.
"You two are still so freaking cute," I told Maria as the boys started up playing Dear Maria, or what they had called Dear Maria. I'd avoided them for so long I'd missed the new album, only just managing to get a hold of Put Up or Shut Up before I avoided them completely.
Needless to say, during the sets prior to this, I hadn't paid attention to anything or anyone. There were hardly ever any kids wandering around trying to get merch in the middle of any of the sets, so I'd used that to my advantage, turning up my iPod up full blast so I didn't have to listen to any of the boys I'd avoided for so long - I had the feeling I would have gone deaf if I'd carried on with that tactic for the next fifteen dates.
"Oh, please, we saw you and Alex," she laughed. "It's like you at eighteen all over again. Guess the not getting attached went out the window." I rolled my eyes, pushing her lightly and turning back to the boys, finally listening to one of their new songs, after wading through a lot of the old ones I'd heard a thousand times.
"Oh, bite me."
"Right, guys, we're gonna slow it down for a minute," Alex said into the mic as his band mates left the stage, being handed an acoustic in place of his normal guitar. "This is Remembering Sunday." I heard Maria gasp, a horrified look on her face. I sent her a confused look, but she only shook her head, eyes wide. "He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past two in the morning. He hasn't been sober for days. Leaning now into the breeze, remembering Sunday he falls to his knees. They had breakfast together, but two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs." So far, I liked it. I loved Alex's slow songs, and I couldn't place why Maria looked so horrified when he'd said the name of it. "Now this place seems familiar to him. She pulls on his hand with a devilish grin. She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs; left him dying to get in. Forgive me I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams, and it's driving me crazy it seems. I'm gonna ask her to marry me."
"No, no, no, Alex. Don't do it," Maria mumbled. This time, I actually voiced my confusion, but all she did was shake her head.
"And even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies? They're filling his gut. Waking the neighbours, unfamiliar faces; he pleads, oh he tries, but he's only denied. Now he's dying to get inside." And as Alex sung the chorus again, I finally understood what she was so distraught about. It was me. The girl who was running through his dreams; the one he was going to marry - it was all me.
I knew right now I should have plugged in my earphones, but I couldn't. I was too absorbed in it. I didn't realise he had written any more than Jasey Rae about me.
"The neighbours said she moved away - funny how it rained all day. I didn't think much of it then but it's starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now, that all of these clouds are following in me in my desperate endeavour to find my whoever, wherever she may be.
"I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me. I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt. Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind. Keeping an eye on the world, so many thousands of feet off the ground. I'm over you now; I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head." He took a deep breath, slowing down his speed. "I guess I'll go home now, I guess I'll go home now, I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home." The crowd screeched, but my world stood still. It was hard now that I knew there was more to what he went through. More songs that I didn't know about. Maria looked over at me, biting her lip. For Alex, that song was a desperate cry for help. Something had hurt him deep down, and that something was me.
"How many more are there?" I asked her, forehead creasing, my face set in a deep frown.
"Nine if you include that and Jasey Rae. Some are a little more obvious than others, but it's always there," she told me. "Dear Maria's about you, not me. When he went looking for you in Tempe."
"He found me. John answered the door. Alex asked for Jasey - if he'd asked for Holly he would have gotten me. By the time John told me, they'd all gone. I cried as soon as John left that night and didn't stop for hours," I laughed dryly. She smiled sympathetically at me.
"Their set’s almost over, I’d better go back and meet Jack. I'll talk to you later, though." She got up, hugging me tightly and walked away, leaving me to my thoughts of Alex.
It took another half an hour for the venue to empty after that, many girls hanging around inside in vain hope that the boys would come over to their own merch table, so when they left I was finally glad to be free and have my own thoughts, rather than having random questions about John thrown my way every five seconds.
'Getting a hotel tonight; who are you sharing with? - Alex xx'
'Um - someone pretty? Hmm... Definitely Maria. xo how'd you get my number, anyway?'
I would be glad of a proper bed tonight, and hopefully one I wouldn't have to share with anyone. I already missed my double back home, after only three nights on tour I was beginning to regret my rejection of the bed in the back room, but knowing fine well that not one of those boys would allow me to have it now.
'Asked John Ohh for it. And you sure you don't want to share with me? I'll be good... unless you tell me otherwise. ;) xx'
'Fine, I'll share with you. But you'll be so good you won't even be in the same bed as me. :L xo'
'That's what you think. ;) see you in five, just gonna finish up here then help you with your last box again. xx'
I smiled to myself, slipping my phone in my pocket and carrying on packing up merch into boxes. I felt the constant build up of butterflies in my stomach that I always felt knowing Alex would soon be here.
"What's my gorgeous excuse for a merch girl got for me to do tonight then?" Alex asked me five minutes later, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. For two people who weren't actually a couple, we were far too couple-y. I laughed, pointing to the box on the floor, and closing the box I had just finished packing up. "You're such a wonderful merch girl. You should replace our boys," he chuckled, picking up the box I had pointed to.