Sunsets and Silhouette Dreams

I hated that place. It was cold, dark, and damp. It sucked. I think it was like a war torture place. Seriously, I would try and kill myself if I had to live in a place like this for too long. All alone, a window with so many thick bars on it that it wasn't even considered a window and what you could see out was covered by fucking trees and bushes. It was facing the back of the building so the parents would get suspicious. Besides, the parents never came back here and if any ever did the trees prevented them from seeing what was Really happening back here. I seriously hated this place. It made me think. And I hate thinking and not being able to write it down. At least outside of this four walled cell I could sneak out paper from the classroom and just write. I know were not suppose to, but when did I ever start following the rules?

I was a little scared for me to be out of that room though. I didn't want them to do a bed search while I was gone, let alone have Kale find my writings. I was wondering, would he be mad? Would he tell on me? Or would he be happy that he has been crossing my mind since he got here? The last one I wrote was in the morning before they put me here. It was about my dream and how much I feel for Kale. I felt I was teasing him because I liked him. I don't know. It's a weird like then right? I feel like I'm still trying to hide my feelings because of my recent ex. Well like I said we couldn't really date in here, but he should have called. I don't know if were broken up or still together. And I don't cheat. I guess I would say that were not together. Right?

But I'm not dating anyone else either, nor having sex with anyone else.Just having dreams about it.

See this is why I hate thinking. I always contradict myself. Gah. I miss Kale. He should hate me as much as I hate me. I threw food at him. Am I fucking retard? Probably. I always do this, push people away. Why?. Because I'm a fuck up. Plain and simple. I fuck up at life, it's just what I do. I hate having people come into my life to hurt me or be hurt, just like with Kaleb we both ended up hurt over me getting sent here. Although that hurt slowly but surely disappeared. I got over it with every rule i was able to break in this place, every cuss word i said, every time i got sent here, every one of those things helped me get over him and make it so i wouldn't be able to get hurt anymore, so that i wouldn't fall for anyone and that no one would get close to me, close to my heart to the things i most hold dear, like my baby sister. And now that I'm like this, This Bad ass who now one will ever want only want to get rid of, I wish i could change.

I really do. I wish I wasn't like this anymore. I really don't. I want Kale to be mine, but I don't want to hurt him. And it's not like he likes me or anything. I was a dick to him.

Which brings me back to the pushing people away shit. God damn it Hayden. You're a fuck up. That's all you'll ever be. Maybe I should just act straight and get the fuck out of here. Though I doubt anyone would believe me, though they'd probably just let me out of here anyway just to get rid of me.

I will do whatever it takes to get Kale to be mine. I will not hurt him. I hope....