Protect Me From What I Want

“So Harley. Tell me what many other people are bewildered by. What attracted you to The Joker?” Brooke asked with her pen at the ready.

“Well, chicks dig scars, a good sense of humour and every girl loves a bad boy,” I replied. Brooke snickered slightly at the response with me laughing along, but nevertheless jotted it down on the notepad. “But seriously, everyone’s attracted to different things and The Joker just did it for me. I don’t know what it was about him. His nasal, yet low voice. The way he licks his lips. The way he’d twitch his leg whenever he was excited or impatient. His laugh, when he wasn’t laughing at something sadistic that is. And he’s pretty good looking without his make-up on. Though it was very rarely I’d see him without it. He always made me feel safe somehow, even if I was in the most life threatening situation, I’d know he wouldn’t let me die. He always made me feel desperate to please him.”

“Why’s this? Did he ever praise you in anyway, if he was pleased?”

“That’s exactly it. Whenever I’d obey him, he was nice to me. All my life I’ve been treated with a lot less respect than I should have had. My parents were never happy with me because they always thought that I could do way better than what I was achieving. When I was in gymnastics I’d never get the kinds of praise that I’d deserve. School wasn’t any better. Once I got my degree in psychiatry, I completely lost contact with my parents. And then I got into Arkham and it only got worse. The way everyone is treated in here is terrible.”

“You’re telling me,” Brooke mumbled as she furiously wrote down notes. Once she had finished scribbling, she placed the pen on the table and looked up at me. “I think this was possibly a way of manipulating you. He’d use this fact against you, so that you’d do whatever he said just to hear him praise you and make you feel needed. But what if you didn’t follow his commands? What were the consequences? Did he ever hurt you?”

“Always. A lot of the time he’d hurt me emotionally. That was the worst kind. He’d call me ‘pathetic’ or ‘weak’ and he patronise me all the time and it made me feel awful and sometimes it was so bad I’d cry. He was really confusing sometimes too, because he’d flip personalities in a split second and you’d never know if he was Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. It was when he was really angry, where he’d hit me,” I stated, spontaneously stroking up and down my arms feeling every scar and bruise still covering them.

“I’m assuming that he give you those,” Brooke suggested as she pointed to my damaged arms.

I nodded meekly. “The majority of them, yes. But I know he had a reason behind doing it, although most of the time I don’t think they were really necessary. He just has a short temper, that’s all. And he’d take it out on me. But believe me, it’s not as bad as what he does to some of his men.”

“I don’t think I want to know about what he does. Did he trust you and did you trust him? Did he tell ever tell you anything which was personal to him?”

“I’m not sure if we trusted each other at all to be honest. He was always complaining about how I didn’t listen or do what I was told. He told me…some personal stuff. But who’s to say that they were true? Sometimes I’d trust him and was lulled into actually believing his lies. But the majority of the time I just wanted to trust him, but knew he was lying.”

“What did he tell you?”

“It’s not my place to tell, Brooke. No matter how wanted he is, I’m not going to tell you any of his personal business. If you want to know about him, I suggest that you lock him up and actually make sure he stays in Arkham for longer than a week,” I exclaimed agitated. Brooke stared at me shocked and offended by my miniature outburst I never intended on hurting her, but his personal past was something I wasn’t going to discuss with her.

“I’m sorry, Harley. I shouldn’t have asked. I should respect yours and his privacy. It’s clear that this isn’t just a mere liking towards him. It’s obvious that you love him dearly for valid reasons. You’re absolutely infatuated with him beyond belief and although sick and quite twisted it’s actually an endearing love. It must be hard to give up something you love so much. Do you ever wish to see him again?”

“Of course I do. I mean, I love him. And he didn’t have to tell me to know that he loved me back. But I know I can’t see him again. He wasn’t good for me and that’s why he left. I couldn’t take another minute longer with him, but at the same time I still wanted to be with him. It’s best that we stay away from each other.”

It was like I was on a diet. The Joker was like chocolate and no matter how much you want to eat it, you know you shouldn‘t. Oh God, I’m comparing The Joker to chocolate now? Maybe he was more like a drug, considering that The Joker wasn’t sweet at all. He was just something terrible that I had gotten addicted to and I needed help to be able to give up the addiction.

“Thank you, Harley, you did well. I think this is a good time to stop. If you’re ever having any trouble, let me know and come and see me. Okay, you’re free to leave now. See you in our next session,” she smiled as she opened up her office door.

I shyly smiled back and walked out of the room. A nurse was waiting outside of the room, ready to lead me towards the recreation room. There I would join many mindless souls, who wouldn’t speak to each other and instead nervously fluttered around paranoid with everything and anything. There was also the TV covered by a metal chain link, which some women watched which looked a lot like a cinema for the poor. It was extremely depressing to actually think that this is what these unfortunate souls did every day. At the same time, it was kind of comfortable being so care-free.