Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

Derek didn't let me leave for a while.

When I say that, I don't mean a couple days. Not even over night.

It was nearly three days later when he finally let me leave, after I had practically got down on my knees and begged him not to restrain me every time I made a move for the front door. I had expressed to him that I would be kicked out of my course if he didn't let me leave, for I had a massive exam and the last month and a half I had spent studying would have been in vain.

"I've just missed you so much." Derek would sigh and my heart would swell. My shoulders would sink under the weight of my guilt and I would be tempted to just go back and sit with him in the living room. However, I knew that I couldn't do that. I put Derek before so many things in my life, but my education would not be one of those things. "I'm sorry if I've been smothering you."

'If you've been smothering me?' I wanted to say, but instead, I smiled at him and assured him I'd be back at dinner time. It felt so weird being in this place again. I was so sure that I had moved on from this part of my life--From Derek, but I hadn't. I may have forgotten for a while, but I was starting to realize that nowhere felt like home. Not the way Derek did.

I knew that I couldn't live like this anymore. Or rather, I shouldn't live like this anymore, but I couldn't help it. I know that this was a damaging situation. That every moment I spent with Derek made me fall more helplessly in love with him, but I couldn't stay away. Especially not since he needed me so desperately as he did. I always thought he kept me around so that he didn't have to do anything for himself. However, it was becoming clear to me that he kept me around for more than just that. I mean, even if he didn't mirror my feelings for him, at least he cared for me in some way, right?

That doesn't change anything. I know it doesn't. I know I'm stupid for staying, but could you leave someone who needed you? Someone you cared about so much? He didn't really do anything wrong to me. Sure, he let me clean up all his messes and he let me see him at his worst, but he never did anything to hurt me intentionally. I mean, he rejected me when I tried to kiss him. That's possibly the worst thing he has ever done, but I shouldn't have tried in the first place. I was setting myself up for that failure. I knew from the moment I stared down at his lips that it wasn't going to work out, but I did it anyways. And then I got angry the second he didn't let me have my way.

"Good luck, Ruth." Derek smiled lightly, standing in the doorway to watch as I made my way toward my car. "You don't need it, though. You're going to ace it."

"Let's hope!" I laughed and climbed into the driver's seat. The drive back to school wasn't too bad and neither was the test, but I couldn't help but be a little distracted the entire time. It was like i was fighting some sort of inner battle. The idea of leaving him waging a war with the notion of staying inside my head. I was usually one of the first to finish tests, always leaving to run back to Derek's house as soon as possible. Maybe that was why I studied so hard. So that there would be no hesitation when it cam to answering any of the question, that way I could go home quickly and check up on Derek. This time, I wasn't rushing home to Derek. I wasn't worried about what he'd do in the hours I'd been away. He proved that he could be left alone the last two months. I was now more of a room mate than I was a maid or a cook. I was more a mother than a friend. That left me wondering, did he see me as a mother? Maybe that was why he didn't let me kiss him. I was becoming clearer and clearer that Derek and I would never be anything. That didn't mean I was going to give up on him completely, but as a potential lover--yes. That was going to have to end.

And I think it was going to be easier to forget than expected, judging by the tall figure leaning against the wall outside the door, waiting for me as I finished up my test and handed it in the teacher. I was slightly startled at first, for I had almost completely forgotten he existed, let alone was in this class with me. His crooked smile made me feel like an idiot, because how could someone forget something so charming? I must have had a lot on my mind.

"Well?" He said expectantly, looking down at me with those big, blue eyes. His smile only widened and he moved away from the wall, standing straight and towering even more so above me. "Did we ace it?"

I smiled, holding my heavy text book to my chest. I'm sure anyone around me was rolling their eyes, because I was very visibly swooning under his gaze. "I think so."

He chuckled, moving closer to me and wrapping his toned arms around my shoulders. I buried my face in the material of his gray-blue henley, breathing in his scent. He smelled so different than Derek did. He smelled like spearmint and a bit like cigarette smoke. I had never known Ryan to be a smoker, but perhaps he had entered the building through a door in one of the smoking areas closest to our classrooms. Even then, I didn't mind. I was fond of the way that Ryan smelled. I was also fond of the way Derek smelled, especially since he never smelled the same. He never bought the same body wash, shampoo or cologne. I suspected it was because if I hadn't gone out to get it, he wasn't willing to search the isles for a particular type, so he just grabbed the first one he saw. Whether it smelled like flowers or a more masculine musk, he didn't seem to care. Ryan was much more consistent than Derek was.

"You okay, Ruth?" Ryan mumbled into my hair, swaying our bodies from side to side. "You're awfully quiet today. What's on your mind?"

Right now, the only thing on my mind was that I had to stop comparing Ryan to Derek. It seemed like everything Ryan did, everything he said--I compared it all to Derek. Sometimes, Ryan would even win against Derek, because he really did have some amazing qualities, but it was the fact that he was always at the back of my mind. I couldn't like Ryan's smile or the way his hair flipped out on one side without thinking about how Derek's was the same or different or better or worse. I was so tired of it all.

"Nothing's wrong." I told him, trying my hardest to sound sincere. I looked up at him and smiled, my eyes darting downwards to look at his lips. The upper lip was lined with a day or two's worth of stubble, making him look older. More like a man and not so much like a boy. "I'm just so tired. I've been really busy the last few days."

"I noticed." He chuckled and I could feel his lips graze my ear. "I feel like I haven't seen you in days."

Probably because he hasn't seen me in days. I felt sort of guilty, allowing Derek to pull me away from my life again. It wasn't totally his fault. I mean, I was letting him do it. I just wished he realized there was more to my life than just my school work and him.

"Can we go out tonight?" I asked softly, looking up at him from beneath my lashes. I had never asked him to take me out before. He was the one that always suggested it and I would reluctantly agree after he did some convincing. Not because I didn't like going out with him, but because playing it safe and spending time alone or at Derek's made me feel more comfortable than going out with him. Ryan was just so interesting and he was brilliant. He knew so much about everything and he had seen so many places. All I knew was what I had learned in school or from my mother's angry ranting. I never got the chance to learn anything for myself. I never looked for the opportunity to see more than just Florida. I was afraid Ryan would realize rather quickly that I was boring and dull, just like all the other Florida girls he'd complain about and leave me behind.

That didn't mean I wasn't going to try. I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort to try. Try with my friends, with my family. With Ryan too, while juggling my time with Derek. Even if I was afraid he'd soon find me bland and boring, I wanted to try with Ryan. I wanted him to want me.

His small smile broke out into a grin, and he reached up to tuck my hair behind my left ear. "I'd love to take you out tonight. Do you have anything in mind?"

He'd love to. I was beaming when he said that. I did have something in mind, but it wasn't a place we could go. It was something we could do. At that moment, I just wanted Ryan to kiss me. I didn't care where we went, as long as he kissed me before he parted at the end of the night. I didn't say that, though, for I was far too embarrassed. Instead, I just shook my head and told him to surprise me. I knew that he would and it'd be a good surprise.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I slid my hand in to pull it out. I sighed when I saw that it was Derek. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed to go a few moments without thinking of him. The universe just wouldn't allow it.

Ruth, are you done yet?! How do you think you did? Good?
Are you going to be home soon?

I sighed, answering with a simple yes to answer every question before I reluctantly pulled away from Ryan. I smiled at him and told him I should get going and he nodded his head, as if he understood.

"So, I'll pick you up at quarter to seven?" He called after me as I started to walk away.

I groaned, turning back to him. "I won't be at my house tonight." He gave me and odd look and I grabbed his hand, quickly scribbling Derek's address onto his skin with black ink. He gave me a questioning look and I just shrugged. "I'll explain later." I told him, sending him a soft smile. "See you later."