Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

I could feel the rough stubble on the side of his jaw against the bare skin of my thigh. My hands were weaved through his unruly curls, brushing out the knots with my fingers. I couldn't see his face from the angle his head was laying in my lap, but I could tell he was asleep. His ribcage expanded and collapsed in a slow, restful rhythm. His breaths were long and deep and would occasionally catch in his throat in a quiet snore. 

The fact that he hadn't made a comment in quite some time was also indication that he was sleeping. If there was one thing Ryan did, it was comment on things. To a lot of people, that could be annoying. I mean, nobody likes a person who talks through entire movies, but Ryan was different. His comments were rarely negative. He wasn't picking apart and criticizing every bit of what he was watching. He was simply making observations and predicting what'll happen later in the movie, or talking about the people who played the characters. He was a fountain of knowledge when it came to these things. Ryan was a boy who spent majority of his free time with his grandmother, who's television was always set on whatever channel was airing E! Talk or Entertainment Tonight. He knew the names of seemingly every actor in all the movies we watched. 

Ryan made a sound; a cross between a snore and a snort. It was loud enough that it jolted him awake. I laughed at the startled look on his face. His blue eyes were wide and his mouth was agape. A trail of drool was visible by the corner of his mouth, which he was quick to wipe away with the back of his hand. Ryan sat up and my lap suddenly felt empty and cold. I almost wanted to grab his head and pull him back, but instead, I watched the way the toned muscles in his back flexed when he stretched. I let out a long, slow breath as I eyed him. He was unbelievably handsome. Every single part of him. 

"How long was I out?" He mumbled, his voice thick with sleep. 

"Maybe an hour." I shrugged, stretching my legs out in front of me. Although the warmth of his head in my lap was pleasant, my legs had become very stiff and my knees were starting to ache. 

He looked at me from over his shoulder, smiling a soft, sleepy sort of smile. "Why didn't you wake me, baby?" 

It took me a moment to answer him, mostly because I was fighting an inward battle over whether or not I should jump him right now. There was something about being called baby. Especially when he said it in his voice, raspy from sleep and so incredibly sexy. 

"I-uh..." I couldn't even remember the question. I just stared at him with this stupid, blank look on my face. 

He furrowed his brow, tilting his head to the side. He laughed despite his confusion about my reaction. "Well, okay then. What time am I bringing you home?"

I was snapped out of my Ryan-induced trance, looking at the digital clock on his cable box. It was nearly midnight and I cursed under my breath, pushing my hair away from my face. "I'm such an idiot. I should have gone home an hour ago. I still need to study." 

"Okay, I'll go get dressed and I'll drive you home, alright?" He got up, now standing before me in only his plain white boxers. I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks hear up considerably at the sight. 

"No, no! It's late. Go back to sleep." I smiled weakly at him, standing too. I glanced around the room, wondering where my clothes had gone. "I'll take the bus." 

"No, you won't. Especially not dressed like that." He chuckled, pointing at my attire. I looked down at myself. I was only wearing his shirt and my panties. "The rest of your clothes are in my room." 

We both went into his room to get dressed. As I pulled on my clothes, Ryan didn't resist staring, like I was doing. He even made it clear that he'd prefer to just pull me back into his bed. As tempting as it was, I merely rolled my eyes at him, replacing his shirt with my sweater and leaving the room. 

"So, your house?" He asked as we got into his car. 

"Derek's, actually. I haven't been there in almost a week. His house is probably a disaster." I chuckled, glancing over at him. Although he quickly tried to regain an emotionless expression, I had seen the scowl flash on his face. He still didn't like that I went back to Derek. His expression said it all. Even after I had explained why I went back to Derek, he still didn't like it. It was a really unsettling feeling, because I didn't want to upset Ryan, but Derek was a huge part of my life. He had been for years now. He was so dependent on me and he had no one else. I could never stop going to him. Not even for Ryan. 

The car ride was silent. I couldn't tell whether I should be uncomfortable by it or not. The crooked grin Ryan wore had disappeared and was replaced with a thoughtful look. He stared intently out of the windshield and I stared intently at him. I'm pretty sure that I was close to gnawing my lip off. 

It took about ten minutes to get to Derek's house. Even if Ryan was upset with me, he still pulled up at close in the driveway as he could, so my walk to the house wasn't as long. He took off his seatbelt and turned in his seat.

"Well, goodnight Ruth." He said softly, giving me a small smile. "Good luck with your studying." He leaned over the center console, kissing my cheek. 

"Goodnight, Ryan." I smiled back. "See you tomorrow?" 

His smile broadened and he nodded his head. I watched as he shifted back to his rightful driving position and turned the key in the ignition. I took that as my signal to go, sliding out of the passenger seat. Despite being angry with me for going to Derek's, if he was angry that is, he still waited until I was safely in the door before he pulled out of the driveway. 

Once he was off the street, I shut and locked the door behind me. I turned off the outside light and kicked off my shoes. From the door, I could see only one room on the main floor was lit up, most likely by the television, for the light flickered and intensified and died out. I could hear the faint hum of voices coming from the tv too. 

I slowly made my way to the living room, but stopped in my tracks in the hall. I could hear a voice and the shriek of an infant, both so familiar that it made the hairs on my arms stand on end. I hadn't heard either in such a long time. I had forgotten what they sounded like until now. Slowly, very slowly, my feet carried me to the doorway of the living room. 

Derek was sitting on the floor, just inches away from the television screen. There were several stacks of video tapes around him. His eyes were red and glossy and he had a hand clasped over his mouth. When I finally looked at the screen, I could see he was watching a home video, filmed by someone with an especially shaky hand, of Paige's first birthday party. Sadie was laughing and Paige was sitting in her high chair, at the head of the table. Derek must have been the one filming, because every few minutes, you heard his breathy laugh behind the camera. 

I looked back and forth between the screen and Derek, lowering beside him. His hand had dropped from his Louth and now he wore a warm smile, staring at the screen through the tears in his eyes. 

"I haven't been able to watch these in so long." He said quietly, his eyes on the screen. "Not since they died. It hurt way to much." He took a breath. A long, slow one through his mouth. I watched the way his chest stretched out to make room for all the air. "It doesn't hurt anymore, though. Not as much, anyways. I want to remember them now." 

I smiled at him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He leaned against my side, his head resting on top of mine. We watched in silence for a while, until he paused the movie. The image of Sadie laughing, with pink icing on her nose and cheek was frozen on the screen. Derek stared at her intently, and though he was smiling, his gaze was very serious. "So beautiful." He murmured. "Wasn't she?" 

"Yes." I said softly, nodding my head. Although, beautiful was an understatement. Sadie was impossibly gorgeous. Anyone would be ugly beside Sadie. 

He stared at the screen for a while longer, wanting to remember this picture. Wanting to burn it into his memory forever. It was nearly ten minutes later that we resumed the movie. At scenes of Paige laughing in her high chair, he would rewind and watch it over and over again. By the look on his face, I could see he wanted to reach out for her. To hold her in his arms. My heart ached for him, watching the way he stared longingly at the screen. At the same time, though, he looked okay. Something he hadn't been in a long time. This was a huge step for Derek. It meant it was real. He was getting better. 

"Ruth, look! It's you!" I looked over at the screen again, now frozen on a picture of me. It was from the side, as I sat to the left of Paige's chair. Sadie was standing behind me, with her hands resting on the back of my chair and we were both watching Paige eat her cake. 

"I forget how long we've known each other." Derek laughed. "Look how young you were! Can't be older than sixteen." 

I chuckled too, wiping my eyes. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Being there, in this family video, on such an important day made this video so much harder to watch. It made remember how close I was to this family before Sadie and Paige passed away. 

"You're going to make me cry if you don't stop." He muttered, trying not to look at me. 

"I can't help it!" I exclaimed, pulling my sleeves up over my hands and wiping under my eyes. 

He pulled me closer to his side, wrapping his other arm around me. We stayed like this until the movie ended and the tv screen went blue, and even a bit longer after that. His embrace was so warm that I feared moving away, because I didn't know if I could find warmth like this from a blanket or a sweater. 

"Do you want to watch another?" I asked quietly, shifting my head so that I could look at him. 

He laughed, shaking his head. "I think I've had enough for one day." 

I nodded, but didn't move. Neither did he, and we fell asleep like that.