Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

"What are you doing tonight?" 

I jumped, almost slicing my finger with the knife in my hand. I was more than a little startled, looking up from the carrots I was chopping and seeing Derek sitting across the island from me. I hadn't even heard him come into the kitchen. 

"Careful!" He laughed, reaching across and lowering my hand that was holding up the knife. "Did I scare you?" 

"Not at all." I murmured sarcastically, putting the knife down completely. "And I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I was thinking of calling Ryan, though." 

"No!" He exclaimed. "No, no, no! Stay in tonight. Hang out with me. We never hang out anymore." 

I furrowed my brow, tilting my head to the side. "We always hang out! What are you talking about?" 

"Ruth, we hardly ever hang out." He rolled his eyes. 

"What do you think we're doing right now?" I said pointedly, crossing my arms over my chest. 

"Uhm, last time I checked, me watching you cook or clean my house hardly counts as hanging out." He scoffed. "It's okay, though. If you don't want to hang out with me tonight, you can go out with Ryan. We'll hang out another time or something." 

I wasn't sure if he was actually sad, or if this sullen look was an act to get me to agree. Either way, as he went to get up from his chair, I gave in. It was true. I was there a lot lately, but never to hang out with him. I'd just come over and do my job, then leave to hang out with Ryan in the evenings. I told myself that I wanted to do my job so that it wasn't as if he was paying me just to be his friend, but in the process, I had neglected him. I can't imagine how lonely he's felt these last few weeks. 

He beamed at me, sitting back down. "You made the right decision, Ruth! We're going to have fun tonight." 

"What will we be doing?" I asked, looking down at my buzzing phone. Ryan's name was glowing on the screen and I sighed, trying to swallow the guilt that was rising in my throat as I pushed the phone away. Glancing up from my hands, I eyed Derek carefully. He was still grinning at me, talking about all the things we could possibly do this evening. His eyes were so bright. They always were, but they were so much brighter when he was excited. And right now, he wasn't just excited about anything, he was excited about spending time with me. 

And just like that, I didn't feel so guilty anymore. 

-----

It wasn't often that I let Derek drink in my company. If it were up to me, he wouldn't be allowed to drink at all. After Paige and Sadie died, he had turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I didn't want to ever see that happen again, but he's a grown man. In the end, it's his decision whether to drink or not when I wasn't around. 

Tonight was different, though. He had been so good lately. He really seemed to be getting better. So, when he came out to the patio after dinner holding two beers, with only a little hesitation, I agreed. 

"How's school going?" He asked casually,  opening both our beers. 

I smiled lightly, rolling my eyes. "It's good." 

"Just good? Not great?" He tipped the bottle to his lips and I watched as his throat constricted and relaxed while he swallowed. 

"Yupp." I shrugged, playing with the label on my bottle. "How's work?" 

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders lazily. "It's fine, I guess. Boring." He looked thoughtful for a moment, staring at his hands. I watched the corners of his mouth pull upwards into an amused smirk, and he glanced up at me. "You're being awkward." 

"No, I'm not." I muttered. "You are." 

"Fine, we both are." He kept his eyes on me as he tipped the bottle to his lips again, drinking more than half of the remaining liquid.

"Slow down, buddy." I told him, trying to cover my seriousness with a laugh. 

"Don't worry, Ruth." He smiled softly, reaching across the table to pat my hand. "Come on, loosen up." He gestured to my beer, which I hadn't touched, and I reluctantly brought it to my lips. He grinned at me, finishing off the rest of his beer. He stood up, giving me a stern look. "I'll grab the second round. You better be close to being done when I get back." 

He glared playfully and disappeared inside the house. I suppose I was always an obedient person. If someone told me to do something, I did it. Maybe that's why I avoided parties and going out when I was younger, because I knew there would be people telling me to do things and that I'd do them. 

So, by the time Derek had come back outside, my bottle was empty and I was feeling a bit woozy from drinking it without taking a breath. "Atta girl!" He laughed, placing another beer in from of me. 

"I shouldn't." I shook my head, nudging it away. "I'm driving home tonight." 

"No, you're staying. We're supposed to be hanging out!" He laughed, popping the cap off the bottle. 

"Fine." I sighed, reaching for it and resting the cool glass against my bare knee. Conversation came easily to us as the night went on. I wasn't entirely sure what why it was so awkward before. Maybe he was upset with me for kind of ignoring him for the past few weeks. I don't know. We were able to look past it as the night went on, though, with the help of a few beers and a shot or two of tequila. We weren't really drunk. Not really. Just a bit more social and giggly than before. 

The sun was down by this point and the only light was coming from the mosquito candle Derek lit in the middle of the table. We had creeped a bit closer as the night wore on. My feet were now resting on Derek's lap and his feet were resting on the arm of my chair. He was teasing me. He always teased me for one thing or another. He had that silly, sideways smirk on his face as he spoke. He was fixated on the bottle in his hands, trying to rip off the label without tearing the paper. He looked so good to me right now. I mean, he always did, but right now, in the dark with only the white moonlight and yellow candle glow to illuminate his features--He looked so incredible and I had to stop myself from climbing into his lap and kissing him right now.

I blushed at the thought, looking down at my lap. I had almost kissed Derek once and it didn't end the way I wanted it to. It had put a strain on our friendship, even now after we were okay again. As I thought about it more, I wondered why we had never talked about it. It was as if it never happened, the way nobody ever mentioned it. But it did happen. 

And now, as I sat here watching him, I wondered if he ever thought about it too. If, maybe, he was thinking about it right now. If that was why we had both gone so quiet. I wondered what he thought about it. Did he regret turning me down or did the whole situation make him uncomfortable? I mean, he was fairly older than me and he doesn't appear to have the same feelings I have... 

But then that made me wonder whether or not he was aware of my feelings. I mean, it's possible that he did. Very possible. Not only did I try to kiss him, but I got upset when he said no. I didn't apologize or tell him it was an accident or anything like that, I just got angry and stormed out. It hurt me enough that I shouted and left and didn't come back for so long. So, did he know? If he didn't, then he's and idiot. If he did, though, he was pretty good at hiding it. 

My phone went off, buzzing loudly against the glass table. Derek looked up at me with raised brows and I smiled sheepishly, grabbing it before he did. 

"Who is it?" He asked curiously.

"Ryan." I shrugged, typing a quick reply. 

"Oh, what does he want?" He muttered, looking back down at the beer in his lap. 

"Just asked what I was up to." I explained, eying him carefully. "What's wrong?" 

He looked at me with raised brows, shaking his head. "Nothing." He smiled at me, as if to prove his point. "Do you miss him?" 

"I saw him yesterday." I chuckled.

He didn't smile back, keeping his eyes cast downwards. "Do you want to go be with him right now?" 

I furrowed my brow, eying Derek carefully, waiting for him to meet my gaze. He didn't, though. He kept his eyes fixated on that stupid label, chewing on his bottom lip. I wanted to know what he was thinking right then. I would have paid all the money in the world to know. I couldn't understand the expression on his face or the tone of his voice. 

"No, I don't." I said quietly, shaking my head. "I'm hanging out with you."

He smiled weakly, as if he didn't fully believe me. "Okay." Was all he said, taking the last swig of his beer before setting it on the table. "I'm going to get us another drink." 

"Derek." I gave him a stern look.

"It's okay, mom." He scoffed. "Last one, I swear."

"You said that last round!" I whined, pouting at him. 

He sent me a cheeky grin, disappearing inside for only moments. When he returned, he had two glasses filled with bubbly, brown liquid in his hands. He set one down in front of me and took his spot again. He pulled my feet into his lap, as if having my feet there brought him comfort too. 

"You know, I could probably sue you for forcing me to drink so much." I muttered, sending him a playful glare. "Especially since I'm underage."

"No one's forcing you to do anything, sweet heart." He looked up at me with raised brows. 

I scoffed, but drank whatever it was he gave me. It definitely wasn't the last one. It was a good thing both of us could tolerate alcohol relatively well, because we didn't get wasted, by any means. That would have been a disaster, don't you think? We were drunk, though. Not embarrassingly so, but we stumbled a little when we walked and our verbal filters were seemingly nonexistent. 

Derek kept looking better and better with every drink. Oh god, watching him from across the table was torture. I kept finding myself longing to be the bottle that was pressed to his lips. I was never an overly... Err, sexual person, but right now, all I could think about was what Derek was hiding underneath those jeans--Or what sounds he would make if I kissed his neck. Or Chest. Maybe even lower...

I had to shake my head to rid myself of those thoughts. I could feel the heat radiating beneath my flushed cheeks. I probably looked just as flustered as I felt. 

"Is Ryan your boyfriend?" Derek asked randomly and I now noticed that his fingers were tracing patterns into the skin of my calves. His touch sent shivers up and down my spine and I bit my lip, pulling on it lightly as I tensed and tried to stop myself from visibly shaking from it. 

"I-Well, yea-err, we, uhh..." I paused, closing my eyes for a brief moment. "Not officially, I guess..." 

He just nodded, watching me with pursed lips. I felt uncomfortable under his unfaltering gaze, which stayed fixed on me for quite a long time. I was tempted to run off to the bathroom or crawl under the table to escape it. 

"I don't think you should be in a relationship, Ruth." He told me. 

I furrowed my brow, feeling both confused and a little annoyed. I didn't feel like having him lecture me again about my relationships. "Why not?" 

"I don't know." He told me honestly, frowning slightly. He stayed quiet for a long moment, staring down at his hands that were still touching my legs. I watched the way his shoulders rose with a deep breath in, then slumped when he sighed out. "It bothers me, I guess. I don't like it." 

I wanted him to go on. To tell me why it bothered him so much, but I could see that he didn't want to go on anymore about the topic. At some point in the night, after we had just one more drink and had fallen into a comfortable silence, we had fallen asleep. I didn't wake up until the sun was up again, casting a warm, yellow glow across the yard. My skin was sticky with the morning dew and my clothes felt damp. I sat up a bit, noticing that Derek wasn't across from me anymore. The bottles and cups had been cleared off of the glass table and the candle had burned out. 

I could remember everything that happened the night before. All the things that were said. I wanted to go inside, find Derek and ask him all the questions that were eating me up inside, but my desire to crawl into a warm bed and sleep for another few hours outweighed that. So, instead of finding Derek, I found the guest room bed and burrowed beneath the covers. 

Maybe we'd talk about it later.