Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

As I sat in a booth of this diner, half-heartedly picking at a slice of cold apple pie and trying not to fall asleep as I waited for my next class, I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I've said it so many times before, I know, but I meant it now more than ever. This time was different. This time, it wasn't out of fear of being hurt by him not reciprocating all the things I felt for him, it was because I was so tired. So fucking tired. I couldn't do this anymore. For so long, Derek had been number one. I put him before everything else in my life, but now, I had to focus on myself. My education was suffering as a result of spreading myself too thin. 

I didn't want to do it. I mean, I loved Derek. I liked spending time with him, but I wasn't just spending time with him, was I? I was cleaning for him, cooking for him, shopping for him--I was doing everything for him. I had been taking care of him like he was a child for years now. He's getting better now, yeah, but I still couldn't do this. In the end, he was a grown man. Maybe this would be good for him. 

I poured three packets of sugar into my mug, adding cream to my coffee until the liquid was almost the same colour as the beige mug. This was my third coffee so far, but I was still exhausted, to the point where caffeine couldn't even help me anymore. I needed to talk to Derek. I needed to tell him I wasn't taking care of him anymore today. 

In my head, I recited all the things I was going to say to him. I hardly even paid attention in my class because I was so nervous about it. The last thing I wanted to do was upset Derek. Without me around all the time, he'd probably feel lonely. Like all he had was Jack, the dog. I didn't want to leave him when I knew he needed me, but I had to. I mean, I'd still visit, but I wasn't going to live in his house anymore. 

I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do with myself because I was so nervous. Especially as I pulled up to Derek's house--My nerves just skyrocketed. I was too nervous to feel that the air outside was frigid and biting at my bare skin. That speech I had rehearsed in my head was gone--My mind was completely blank. I was staring at the door, my mouth hanging agape. I felt so stupid, even more so when I found myself knocking. I could hear him yell that he'd just be a second and the sounds of his footsteps somewhere inside the house. My nerves only got worse with every footstep that sounded closer. I didn't want to work for him anymore, but I didn't want him to hate me. I couldn't get past this nagging feeling that he was going to hate me. 

The door swung open and I jumped, startled. "Hello? Sorry about the wa-Oh, Ruth." His eyes met mine and he furrowed his brow. "That's weird that you knocked... What's up?" 

"Hi," was all that came out. I mentally slapped myself. I sounded so stupid. 

Derek gave me an odd look, but looked incredibly amused. "Well, hi, Ruth." He didn't laugh, but he sounded like he wanted to. "Is something wrong?" 

"No." I chewed on my bottom lip and looked down. I sighed, letting my shoulders slump. "Actually, yes. There is." 

"What is it?" When I looked up, he still looked a bit amused, but he also looked concerned, as if he was afraid that something had happened to me. 

I wanted to explain what was going on with me lately. How incredibly tired I am all the time. I wanted to tell him how great he was doing and how I think he's finally ready to take care of things on his own. I wanted to tell him in the nicest way I possibly could. One that couldn't offend anybody. I didn't want any feelings hurt. 

But there was this pressure in my chest. One that I could feel rising up my throat. I wanted to stop it before it reached my mouth, but I couldn't. 

"I don't want to work for you anymore! I can't! I can't do this anymore! I'm so tired!" The words came out much louder than I had intended for them to. I watched Derek, waiting for the hurt or anger or sadness to contort on his face, but all he did was raise his brows.

"Jeez, Ruth. Calm down. Stop yelling." He chuckled, patting my shoulder. "Come inside. It's freezing." 

"No, I can't. I'm not cleaning your house tonight." I told him, shaking my head. 

"I'm not asking you to." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Honestly, Ruth. I can clean my own house now. I don't need you to anymore." 

For some reason, that sort of hit me a little harder than it shoulder have. He didn't need me to? Since when dis he not need me to? All this time, I got by knowing that Derek needed me. In some way, he needed me. It made me feel okay about this crush I have because, even though he didn't feel anything back, he needed me in his life. 

But apparently, he didn't need me anymore. That hurt. It also made me feel so stupid. Here I was, thinking that I was the only thing keeping Derek together and I was so wrong. Who was I to think so highly of myself? 

"Come in, Ruth." Derek insisted, reaching for my arm. 

"I'm just going to go home." I told him, shrugging my shoulders. "Bye, Derek." 

I turned away from him, walking down the steps on his porch. I felt stupid, because I wanted to cry. This all felt a bit like breaking up with someone and having them smile and agree. It didn't heed the same results I thought it would. I thought Derek would at least care that I was taking myself out of his life the way I was, but he didn't. 

"You know, Ruth, just because you aren't cleaning my house anymore doesn't meant we can't hang out." I stopped half way down the path to his driveway, turning around to face him. He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, grinning at me. "We're friends, after all. Aren't we?" 

I found myself smiling, although it was weakly, nodding my head. "Yes, Derek. We are." 

-----

Derek had been mocking the movie since it came on. I think he was mostly doing it because I loved this movie so much--You know how much he liked to tease me. 

I felt weird. I had just gone from thinking I was Derek's glue--His only friend right now, to finding out that he was okay on his own. That he had been out a few times with old friends lately. That he was moving on and it wasn't because of me. It wasn't until after I backed off that Derek started to get better. Maybe my babying him all this time did him more bad than good. 

So, I was feeling so down. So unwanted and unneeded. I felt like, if I just left and never came back, he'd be fine. I wanted to feel needed right now. Or at least wanted. 

So I did something unbelievably stupid. When I changed into pajamas, I put on that same shirt of Derek's. The one he lent me when he was washing my clothes. I only wore my underwear underneath. These ones were much less conservative than the ones I had worn that night. They're lace and they don't cover up as much as they probably should. That didn't stop me, though. I knew walking around like this would probably only make things worse, but before I backed off for real, I needed to make sure there was nothing here. All I could think about was the way he was looking at me the other night. I wanted to believe we had something. 

Derek looked stunned when I came down in his shirt. He almost choked on his beer and quickly averted his gaze to the television. I sat down close beside him, sending him a small, innocent smile. He returned it weakly and we continued to watch the movie. He went back to almost normal, but out of my peripherals, I couldn't help but notice the way he'd occasionally stare at my bare thighs. You could see a bit of my panties at my hip, where the shirt had ridden up. 

I felt my cheeks heat up, suddenly uncomfortable by how naked I was. I stood up from the couch, making my way into the kitchen. The kettle was sitting on the stove, so I grabbed it and filled it with water. I was murmuring to myself as I looked for a mug and the tea. The chai was on the top shelf, just high enough for my fingers to skim it, but not grab it. I let out a frustrated groan, extending my arm as far as I could. 

I felt something hard against my back an arm reached over my shoulder, grabbing the box with ease. I spun around, as best I could with him so close, staring at Derek curiously. He wasn't smiling, but he wasn't frowning either. He was looking at me, his brow slightly furrowed. 

"You're acting so odd tonight." He told me, and I guess he was right. I hadn't spoken much, unless I was saying something stupid. Then, his voice got real low and his face seemed a little closer. "What's gotten into you, Ruth?" 

I want to blame him, for looking so appealing and smelling so good and being so warm. In the end, though, I could only blame my actions on my own stupidity. It felt so good, leaning up and pressing my lips hard against his, but it was stupid. Really stupid. We were friends. I had a boyfriend. He had found the love of his life, even if she had died. I shouldn't have done it. 

But then again, he was kissing back. He was a little sloppy at first, probably because he hadn't kissed anyone in so long, but he found his rhythm quickly. He was actually an incredible kisser. Better than I would have ever imagine. He was a thoughtful kisser, you know? He tried to figure out what you liked and made sure he made you feel the best he could. 

I could taste the beer on his tongue as it mingled with mine. His hands were grabbing at his shirt, right near my lower back. I wanted him. I wanted him so badly, but I had to stop. I pulled away from him, slowly, reaching up and touching my lips. My other hands was still tangled in the hair at the back of his head. 

He was staring down at me, blue eyes blazing. He looked confused. Who wouldn't, though? 

"I'm tired." I murmured, my face burning red. 

He swallowed, nodding his head. "I just cleaned the sheets in he guest room, so uhm, yeah. Stay if you like." 

I nodded my head. "Goodnight."

"Night." he whispered and he stepped back, letting me leave the kitchen. 

When I looked back at him from over my shoulder, he was leaning against the island, hand clamped over his mouth. I couldn't tell what he was feeling--If he was shocked or mad or sad because of what I had just done. 

With a sigh, I climbed up the stairs and into the guest bed. For longest time, I stared at the ceiling, just thinking of how incredibly bad I had made things for the two of us. Just now, I could have just ruined any shred of a friendship Derek and I had. I was embarrassed and angry at myself. I was even a little sad. What has gotten into me tonight?