Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

Sitting across from Ryan, dressed in his Armani suit with his usually unruly curls pushed back, I felt inadequate. Seeing the way all the woman looked at him and knowing that he was mine, though, made me feel good. Eating this meal, which costed more than what I pay for food for a whole week, made me feel a little awkward, but right now, more than anything--I felt guilty.

Ryan was being so sweet--he was always being so sweet. He cared for me better than I deserved. He always kissed me, and he made sure he called me beautiful at least once every day. He wanted to know everything about me, and for the most part, he did and he was still trying to learn all the things he didn't. He took me out to nice places like this and never let me pay for a single thing. He was impossible sometimes, sure, but he would try to change for me. If that was what I wanted, he would try. The only thing he asked in return was for me to care about him. He just wanted to be loved by me. 

And this was how I repaid him. I kissed another man, and it wasn't just any man, and it wasn't just a meaningless kiss. That kiss meant the world to me. I had been dreaming of this kiss for years now, which was the worst part. I was feeling for another man what I should be feeling for only Ryan. If he knew, he would be so hurt. All the times I tried to assure him that me and Derek were only friends was just a lie. I was a liar. A fucking liar. 

For so long, I thought I always did the right thing. I always wanted to be one of those selfless people, you know? But it was turning out that I was quite the opposite--I was very selfish, in fact. Everything I was doing lately was wrong. So wrong, and I only did them for my own selfish reasons. I regretted the last six months of my life. I was letting everyone down, it seemed. Even my family. I could count on one hand the number of times I had seen them, or even spoken to them in the last semester. All they've ever done was love me unconditionally, as any family should and I've ignored them. All I've done is hurt the people that loved me most with my own selfishness. I gave all my attention--cheated on my boyfriend--put my schoolwork second for a man that probably didn't even love me back. 

And if he did love me at all, it was only as his friend. It wasn't the same unconditional love from my family, or that same undying love that Ryan could one day give me. I had no doubt that in a few years time, if things kept going the way they were now, Ryan and I would get married. When I was with him, it just felt like the real thing, you know? 

But I was willing to throw that away because I liked the way my ex-boss looked at me when I was bent over in front of him in only his shirt. Because I let my hormones get the best of me and I couldn't keep my lips to myself. 

In my defense, I had loved Derek for so long. Seeing that there was potential for something to be there was a huge deal for me. It was such a small possibility, but after years of him refusing to even see me as a female, this 'small possibility' felt like so much more. Like it was the beginning of the one thing I had been waiting for for, well, ever. I couldn't possibly let that go, could I?

But at the same time, how selfish was that? I had no intention of letting Ryan go just yet, but I was still going to pursue this thing with Derek? How unfair would that be? To both parties, but mostly Ryan. He had never done a thing wrong. He didn't deserve to have me keep him on the side, in case whatever happened with the man I first loved backfired. He deserved to be put first.

I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't decide what to do. I knew that if I chose Ryan, I would be happy with him. I would never get any time to myself, sure, but I'd be happy. It'd be comfortable. It'd be safe.

With Derek, I probably wouldn't be as happy some days. We'd argue and we'd fight--I'd probably cry a lot. I would always be second best to him. 

But I would have, by terrible circumstances, a great deal of patience and some determination, got the man I had loved from the very start.

In my heart, I felt that maybe it might be more rewarding in the end. I wouldn't have earned Ryan's love. I didn't even deserve it. He gave it to me blindly, thinking I was worthy of it, but I wasn't.  

I have had to earn Derek's love, if you would even call it that. It took so much time and effort to get him to warm up to me the way he has. If I could get him to love me the way I loved him, I would have earned it. I may not always do the right thing, like I originally thought I had was doing, but at least I kind of earned it. At least I wasn't the one who loved him less. 

I guess I was like Ryan, in a way. We both loved someone who loved someone else a little more.

Or maybe not a little more, I should say. Maybe a different kind of love. I think that's what was making this decision so hard. Maybe I loved them both the same. I just couldn't figure out what kind of love I wanted more. 

Do I choose the safe love? The one without risk of hurt or heartbreak? 

Or do I choose the not-so-safe love? The one that'll likely end in both hurt and heartbreak, but it'll be the love I had earned?