Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

I was just as lost as I was days ago. I still hadn't made a decision, or tried to fix any of the messes I had made. Instead, I had been living with Ryan, trying to distract myself from my problems by memorizing every inch of his skin. I was trying to convince myself I was happy here, and I kinda was.

But kinda isn't really good enough, is it? Especially since Ryan was deserving of a girl who would be absolutely elated just breathing the same air as him. He was so deserving of that. I knew it in my heart, but I still couldn't let go. I gripped his t-shirt tighter in my hands, emotionally and physically unable to let him go. Not yet. 

"Baby, I have to go to class now." He chuckled, trying to unclamp my fingers from their grip on his shirt. 

"But I just got back from my class." I pouted at him, no intention of letting go. "I just aced my presentation. Aren't you supposed to celebrate with me?" 

"I know that, Ruth. I'm proud of you, but as tempting as that is and as good as you happen to look right now-" He paused, motioning to what I was wearing. It was my attempt at trying to look formal for my presentation, but I guess I had grown out of my button-up blouse and gained a few pounds since I last wore this pencil skirt. Both hugged my body a little too closely, but they were the best I could do in such a short time. "-And you look so good, by the way." He paused again, his eyes scanning me up and down. "I have to go to this one, though. If I don't, I'll be letting my group down." He frowned and so did I, slowly loosening my grip on him. "But I'll be back tonight. Do you think the celebration can wait that long?" He was smiling hopefully and I nodded, giving him my own weak smile in return. 

"Good. I can't wait." He grinned broadly, leaning in and kissing me firmly. "See you later!" 

----

I guess this is why I had been distracting myself with Ryan lately. The moment I was without him, I found myself in the very place I didn't want to be. The very place I shouldn't be. 

Ryan had texted me an hour or so ago, saying that he wasn't going to make it back home tonight. That his group had to work late into the night and he'd probably crash at his parents' place, since they lived a lot closer to campus then he did. He had classes early the next day, so I understood his reasoning for not coming home. 

But once I was alone, all I had to do was think. Thinking had always been good for me. Getting all my thoughts in order kept me sane. This time, though, thinking was proving to have the very opposite effect.

I felt anything but sane as I stood on Derek's doorstep, hugging myself from the cold. I assumed he was in his office, for it had taken him longer than usual to answer the door. I think he assumed it was me, because he didn't say anything as he opened it. He just stood there, staring at me with this almost blank expression. He didn't look surprised to see me, as if he had been expecting to see me at some point this week. He didn't look happy to see me, either. 

But he also didn't look mad. So, that was good... Right?

"Ruth, hi." He said softly after a moment of us just staring at one another, crossing his arms. "What's up?" 

"I, uhm, I came to-" I paused, looking down at the dog who stood by his feet, wagging his tail eagerly. "I came to see the dog." 

He glanced down at Jack. "Okay..." On his face, I could see just a hint of a smile. "Come on in, then." 

I followed him inside obediently, much like Jack, who was also trailing behind him. Once we were inside of the living room, I lowered down onto my knees, taking Jack's face in my hands. If a dog could smile, that was what he was doing right now, with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and his tail wagging behind him. 

"I'll leave you two alone, since you're only here for him." I looked up at  Derek, who was feigning hurt. I scoffed at him and he smiled, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He made no real move to leave the room. He just stood watching us, leaning against the wall. 

I took the time to look at him now. Though I could see that he was tired, he still looked so good. Healthy. He wasn't skin and bones anymore, like he used to be. In fact, I'd even say that he's started working out. The sleeves of the blue henley I loved so much on him, the one that really brought out his eyes, looked tighter than they ever had. 

I shook my head, looking away from him. There was no doubt that he had caught me staring. He was looking right back at me, after all. My cheeks were burning red, and by the amused smile on his face, I knew he could see it. So, I busied with scratching behind Jack's ears, rather than letting my gaze move back to him.

"You've kept the place pretty clean." I noted. It looked almost as good as when I cleaned it myself. "Good job."

"Yeah. Cleaning's not so bad." He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. I nodded, turning my attention back to the dog. "Would you like something to drink or anything?" 

"I could go for some tea." I smiled sheepishly. 

Derek grinned, gesturing to the kitchen. "You know where it is." 

I scoffed, rising up to my feet. "You know, that's not how offer a drink to your guest. You don't offer and then tell them to go make it themself."

"Well, I'd hardly call you a guest, Ruth." He was smiling playfully at me, but his stare was far too intense to be playful too. "I mean, you've practically lived here for how long?" 

I kept his gaze for a moment, finding it difficult to look away. Eventually, I rolled my eyes at him, choosing to ignore the way he was behaving. I had no doubt that he was acting this way as a result of the stupid thing I had done. That I had permanently tarnished our friendship. 

I bowed my head as I walked past him and into the kitchen. It didn't quite sink in, not until I had fallen into that same routine, that I hadn't been in here since I had kissed him. I found myself moving in the same way I had that night, standing in the same places--Even using the same mug. It was as if I was retracing my footsteps. The only thing that was different was that I was fully clothed. Everything else felt the same, though. I even had that same unsettling awareness of Derek's presence, even though I couldn't actually see him from where I was. 

There was a chill going up and down my spine, making me shiver involuntarily. From wherever Derek was standing, I could feel his gaze on my back, unfaltering and intense as it was. To be safe, I chose a tea from the lowest shelf, wanting to avoid any unwanted attention or repeats of last time. 

I had stopped paying attention to what I was doing, my eyes cast down at the mug in my hands. I didn't snap out of my daze until the kettle squealed shrilly, violently shaking me back to reality. I walked over, pulling it off the hot element and onto the cool one. I poured the hot water into my mug, the steam rising and coating my face in a warm dampness. I absentmindedly stirred honey into my tea, watching the way the liquid swirled in my mug. I heard the floor creak behind me, but I chose to ignore it, keeping my eyes on the drink in my hands.

I could feel the heat of another body radiating behind me. The movements seemed hesitant, as if they were contemplating turning back. By now, I was frozen, especially as a hand pulled my my hair back and over one shoulder. He stepped closer again and now his chest was pressed against my back, and suddenly, I didn't feel cold at all. The spoon had dropped back into the mug as my fingers went limp. 

I could feel lips against the side of my neck, where he had pulled my hair back to expose. These lips were different from the ones I had grown used to, but they felt just as good. I was so curious to see what he was going to do next, but I didn't dare to turn around and ask. If I did, I would risk having him stop, which was not something I was willing to do. Instead, I stayed frozen as he placed kisses up and down my neck. 

His hands were on my waist, lightly trailing up and down the curves of my sides, but stopping when they were coming close to my breasts or my hips. He was being soft, so careful, as if he was trying to gauge my reaction to every touch. As lovely as it was, I almost just wanted him to grab me. I had been waiting for him to touch me for far too long to have him be slow and gentle. 

He seemed to know exactly what I was thinking, now sucking on the tender skin of my neck. It felt a lot less innocent than those tiny kisses. I was starting to understand where he wanted this to go and I couldn't believe it. I was almost taken aback. I never would have expected Derek to make the first move. I was starting to think that, if Derek and I ever did sleep together, it would be because I had done something stupid, like seduce him when we were both reasonably drunk or something equally as ridiculous.

But here he was, nibbling on my sensitive skin, without me doing something stupid to instigate it. I was panting, but they were gradually turning into little moans as his lips moved to that spot just behind my ear. His hands had moved to explore my stomach, occasionally lingering on the buttons of my shirt. Slowly, his fingers trailed upwards, to the valley between my breasts. They stayed there, motionless for a moment, before both hands gripped the material, yanking it roughly. I could hear a few buttons hit the floor and I could feel the cold air on my chest. I gasped and he chuckled, his breath warm against my skin. 

Suddenly, he spun me around to face him. My breath was caught in my throat. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, with my face totally flushed and my mouth opening and closing, much like a fish. He took me in, his eyes raking across my newly exposed skin. I could see it in his eyes, it had been too long since he had seen a woman like this. Behind the lust and the want and all the things burning in his eyes, there was a certain tenderness too. One that calmed my nerves when everything was starting to feel overwhelming.

His mouth was on mine before I could take a breath. He kissed me hard and a bit sloppily, but somehow, still lovingly. He wasn't especially muscular, even if he had gained a bit in the recent weeks. He still didn't have very much muscle tone at all, but he was strong. The way he lifted me, wrapping my legs around his waist in one fluid motion seemed so effortless to him. He held me there, wrapped around him, as if I was weightless. 

"Ruth," he breathed against me, his voice sounding strained. "I-I..." My hands moved down his chest, and I pressed my hips hard against his. He groaned, gripping me tighter. "I need you. God, I need you." His lips were pressed to my ear now, breathing down my neck. "Please, Ruth?" 

My skin felt dangerously hot at the sound of his pleading. I could barely nod. He felt what little movement I could manage, though, and his mouth was all over me--My neck, my chest, shoulders and face were all showered with tiny, sloppy kisses mixed with gentle nibbles and the occasional rough bite. 

We didn't even take off any of our clothing. Simply ripped open or pushed aside any garments that got in our way. It was dirty and rough and quick--Like two teenagers going at it before their parents came home. It left me feeling a little unsatisfied, but it was nothing to do with his performance at all. Derek was amazing. Really. 

It was because I never wanted our first time to be like this--A dirty fuck on the counter of his kitchen, where I wasn't sure whether this would only be a one time thing. It made me feel cheap and disappointed in myself because, honestly, I felt like I had just blew it with him. Derek was a grown man. He would never want anything more to do with some young tramp who let him fuck her in his kitchen. 

I felt the lump swelling in my throat as I tried to even my breathing. All I could think in that moment was, "what the fuck did I just do?" I just couldn't seem to get anything right.