Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

Despite how tired I was, I took the stairs instead of the elevator to buy myself some extra time. I was looking for the right words to say that would make things better, but there was nothing I could say that would make what did okay. I was being such a coward. I even considered not telling Ryan that I had slept with Derek. If I told him, surely, he would dump me right on the spot. If I didn't tell him, though, I'd have to break up with him myself and then live with the guilt that comes with being a liar. 

No matter what I did or didn't do, my relationship with Ryan had to end. I didn't think that realization would hurt so much. Ever since I had started dating him, I compared everything about him to Derek. Derek was always in the back of my mind when I was with Ryan. It's almost as if I had been waiting to break up with him since I started dating him. Now the time is here and I should feel happy because I get to be with Derek. So, why am I so sad? 

I could see the door now and with every step closer, my legs felt more and more like jelly. I could just faintly hear the soft, folk-y music playing from inside his apartment and I found myself wondering what he was doing right now. It's just past the time when he normally ate dinner, so perhaps he was doing the dishes. Or maybe, he'd be already relaxing on the sofa. I wanted him to be sitting when I told him everything. 

I didn't bother knocking. I never knocked before walking into his place. I felt as though it would be suspicious to do so now. He would suspect something was up. I mean, I'm not trying to go for the element of surprise when I break up with him, but I didn't want him asking questions. I just wanted to say what I had to say and then leave. His questioning would only make this harder, which was what I deserved, I guess. I had just cheated on Ryan, a man who's never done anything but right for me. His biggest downfall was that he sometimes cared too much and I repay him for all the good things he's done for me by sleeping with Derek. Why would I deserve for this to be easy? I didn't. I really didn't deserve anything. 

I could see him hunched over in the kitchen, facing away from me. I furrowed my brow, slowly inching my way closer to him. I could hear him mumbling the words along with the song he was listening to and I smiled briefly. 

But only briefly. 

As I looked around, I realized this would be my last time here. I had really grown to love this place. I don't know. I guess I was almost losing a part of myself with it. I was a different person in here than I was outside that door. A person that I really liked. In here, I felt important. I felt sexy. I was wanted. I was loved. I didn't even have to ask for it. Ryan just gave it to me. Derek didn't love me. Not right now and maybe not ever. 

I started to cry. A pathetic, whimpering cry. Ryan's posture stiffened, then he shot up and spun around. He looked startled with his hand over his heart and his brow furrowed. "Ruth, when did you get here?" He asked quickly, his eyes wide and concerned. "Baby, are you crying?" He rushed over to me, wrapping me up in his arms. The guilt was weighing heavy on my shoulders. What I had done was bad enough, but he was always being so sweet to me. I didn't deserve his kindness. I deserved harsh words. "It's okay, baby. Tell me what's wrong. Let me fix it." He pushed my hair away from my face, kissing my nose. "Tell me what's wrong and I'll make it better, okay baby?" 

I shook my head, gripping his shirt tightly, the material balled in my palms. My face was wet with my tears and I could barely form words through my sobbing. I'm sure I looked like a mess. Ryan did too. He looked so scared and confused. I was scared and confused too. All I seemed to do lately was cry. Whenever I felt even the tiniest bit overwhelmed, I was hysterical. It was a habit I certainly wasn't proud of. It got me out of trouble a lot when I was younger. I looked so pathetic when I cried that people would take pity on me and let whatever had happened slide. I didn't want Ryan to let this slide, though. I wanted him to yell at me. I wanted him to be angry. I wanted him to hate me, because that would be so much easier than seeing him hurt. 

I don't know why, but with my hands in his hair, I pulled his face to mine with a strength that I didn't know I had in me. His lips crushed mine with bruising force and both of us let out a groan. I was pleased when he responded immediately, holding onto me in a way that held the promise that he'd never let me go. The sounds he was making were setting my skin of fire. I wanted so badly to feel his bare skin beneath my fingertips.

I wasn't going to have sex with him, though. Not when I had just had sex with Derek. That was too wrong for me. But that didn't mean that I wasn't going to stay with him for another night--To let him hold me and kiss me and tell me all the things I didn't deserve to hear from him. 

No, that was just wrong enough for me. 

---

His long fingers were brushing out the knots from my hair as we lay in bed together. Neither of us had spoken in a while, which was abnormal for us. Ryan hated silence. He said that he had had his fill of it when he was a child, growing up in a big house without any siblings. He always filled it with talking or music, and sometimes he'd even put on the television when he was alone, just to hear voices. I was confused. Why now was he silent? Why was he not asking questions? 

I tilted my head up to look at him, meeting his eyes. They were like the sky around the moon at night or the deepest part of the ocean. A deep, dark, bluey-gray, like an angry storm cloud. 

He smiled at me, very softly. "I love you, you know." 

I kissed his chin. It was the farthest I could reach. "I love you too." I told him softly, feeling overwhelmingly guilty and conflicted as I said it, because I meant it.