Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

I turned off the engine, staring at the house through the windshield. I felt nervous and giddy and excited all at the same time, checking myself quickly in the mirror before I got out. I made my way up the driveway very slowly, staring intently at the front door. My heels were clicking against the asphalt and I suddenly felt ridiculously overdressed, tugging down the skirt of my red dress. I'm not sure why I dressed up. Derek has only ever seen me in clothing that I could work in. He could probably care less about what I was wearing, but I still sort of, maybe, you know, kinda wanted to look good for him. 

And maybe there was a tiny part of me that wanted to distract him from the fact that I still hadn't broken up with Ryan... 

I pushed that particular thought to the back of my mind, quickly running my fingers through my loosely curled hair before I knocked on the door. I was nervously wringing my hands in front of me, watching the tall figure approach through the frosted glass on the door. It was seemingly impossible to hold back my grin as I was met with Derek's face, and suddenly, I didn't feel so nervous anymore. 

He smirked at me, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning his side against the doorframe. He was dressed in a pair of dark, new-looking jeans that sat low on his hips and a flannel shirt with the top three buttons left undone. He raised his brows at me, his tongue running over his bottom lip. "Well, look what the cat dragged in." 

I scoffed at him, my grin turning into a small pout. "Nice to see you too." I muttered sarcastically. 

He laughed loudly and I couldn't get over just how much I loved the sound. His blue eyes looked me up and down, taking me in for the first time since I've been standing here. "Well, this is a pretty dress," he murmured, reaching out and taking hold of the skirt. He pulled me toward him until I was pressed tightly against him and I felt his hand push my dress up to my hip on one side. His lips found my ear, his breath hot against my skin. "I'm kinda tempted to rip it off of you, though," he whispered, kissing the patch of skin just below my ear. 

My breath caught in my throat and for a second, I just stared at him with my mouth agape. I still wasn't used to Derek speaking to me this way. Don't get me wrong, I liked it way more than I probably should, but it was so new. He surprised me every time. I swallowed hard and gave my head a shake, eventually gaining back my composure. "You will do no such thing! You've ripped enough of my clothing, thanks." I leaned up, kissing his cheek before ripping myself from his embrace, pushing past him into the house. 

I heard him chuckle as he shut the door  after me, and then he came up to wrap his arms around my waist from behind. He squeezed me tightly against him and I sighed, relaxing into his warm embrace. "I've been missing you the last few days," he said as he pushed my hair away away from my neck, pressing wet kisses on my skin. "Where have you been?" 

"Ryan's, mostly," I found myself answering without really thinking, immediately regretting it. I felt Derek's arms tense around me, then his embrace loosened as his arms fell to his sides. 

"Ryan's?" He moved around to look at me, his brow furrowed. "I thought you said you were breaking up with him." I looked down at the floor guiltily, once again wringing my hands in front of me. "You still haven't broken up with him?" 

I shook my head, unable to meet his eyes. I suddenly felt ashamed and so, so stupid for coming here in the first place. What was I doing? I was (potentially, because he still didn't know) hurting Ryan by wanting to be with Derek, but yet, I couldn't break up with him. But here I was, showing up at Derek's house and expecting him to welcome me with open arms when my inability to break up with Ryan was hurting him. 

"Seriously?" He narrowed his eyes at me, shaking his head. "Fucking hell, Ruth. It's been a week! Why are you letting it drag on so long?" 

I shifted from one foot to another, feeling unbelievably uncomfortable under his intense stare. "I-I, well, I don't, um, know. It's complicated, I guess. I can't really ex-" 

"It's complicated, Ruth? How is it complicated?" I didn't like the condescending tone he was using when he spoke to me. I wasn't particularly fond of being talked down to, especially by him. I had spent years trying to show him that I wasn't a child and, even after sleeping with me, here he was, talking to me like I was a child. 

I found myself glaring at him, letting my frustration show through. "It just fucking is, Derek, okay?" I snapped harshly. 

My tone only seemed to make him more angry as his nostrils flared and his jaw clenched. "No, it's not okay," he hissed, moving closer to me. Instinctively, I took a step back, looking up at him skeptically. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but I couldn't help but feel a bit frightened by him. Derek had only gotten angry with me one time before, which was nothing in comparison to how angry--No, livid he looked now.

And then his expression changed. He wasn't looking angry anymore. He just looked hurt, and I felt a pang of guilt, stronger than anything I've ever felt before, in my chest. "You said you were going to break up with him. After everything that's happened between us..." He trailed off, looking at me with a furrowed brow. "I want to be with you, Ruth, and I thought you wanted to be with me-"

"I do!" I said quickly, desperately. I reached out for him but he pulled back, shaking his head. 

"Break up with Ryan," it wasn't a question or a suggestion--He said it in a way that left no room for argument. "I'm not going to do this with you until you do. I'm not going to do it. You need to break up with him. Now." 

I didn't realize I was crying until now and I reached up, wiping the moisture away with the back of my hand. I stared at him for a long time, wanting nothing more than for him to hold me. It would be so easy. All I had to do was what he asked, then I would be all his. We could be together. Just like I always wanted. 

But there was this ache in my chest that I got every time I thought about breaking up with Ryan. The same ache that I got when I saw the hurt look on Derek's face right now. I whimpered, reaching up to wipe my tears away from my cheeks with the back of my hand. I saw the way his harsh look softened, even if only for a moment, when he saw that I was crying. His stare quickly turned cold again, though, and he raised his brows, urging me to answer. 

"I-I-" My lips were quivering, so much so that I was having trouble speaking. "I can't." 

"You can't?" He asked incredulously, tilting his head to the side. If I thought he was glaring before, I was wrong. Now, he was glaring at me. It was such a cold, resentful look. It made me feel sick to my stomach that it was directed to me. "Why can't you?" 

I look away from him, down to my hands. The lump in my throat swelled again, so much so that I found myself crying harder because it hurt so much. I never thought sadness could hurt you physically. I didn't think it could cause this kind of pain. I tried to swallow it back down, but it only hurt more. Speaking didn't seem like a possibility, but I knew by Derek's expression that I wouldn't get away with not giving an answer. 

"I just can't." I finally whispered, feeling so ashamed and probably just about as disappointed in myself as Derek was. 

Derek didn't speak for a very long time. It was so quiet in the house that I could hear the children from down the street playing in their yard, so loud that it was as if I was standing outside. I could hear the sounds of the wind moving through Derek's large oak tree, and the soft pitter-patters of the leaves slapping against the side of the house. It was an uncomfortable, unnerving kind of silence in here. I wanted nothing more than to disappear--For the floor to open up and swallow me whole. He looked at me with every bit of disdain that he felt in his body, but that look soon vanished and was replaced with a blank, emotionless stare. It was the kind of look that made you feel like a stranger. It made me feel so insignificant. So small.

He shrugged his shoulders and I saw the resentment flash in his eyes just quickly again. "I guess this is what I get for getting involved with a kid."

And just like that--Just when I thought I couldn't feel any smaller, I surprised myself again.