Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

It was Wednesday when we finally got around to talking about it. I guess we were both fed up with dancing around the subject--Him more so than me, because I wasn't exactly jumping at the chance to confess to him. 

We were both wound up and probably not in the best of moods to deal with each other. That's why it had escalated the way it did. It was like, one minute he was asking me what was wrong and the next, we were having a screaming match. We both said a lot of things we shouldn't have, but at the time, we were both too angry to feel remorse. I wanted so badly to hit him. You know that feeling when someone makes you so angry that the mere thought of hitting them gives you some satisfaction? That was what I was feeling. We were both seething, our throats raw from screaming harsh words back and forth. I knew he'd get a noise complaint from other residents in the building, so I screamed louder. Maybe he'd even get charged.

The fight lasted hours--Well, that's how it felt, anyways. By the end of it, we were both so tired and out of breath. Our chests were heaving and our hands were clenched at our sides as we glared at one another. I didn't tell him about Derek and I. I was tempted to just throw it in his face, but I didn't want to sink that low. As angry as I was and as much as I hated him at that moment, I didn't want to hurt him like that. 

I had seemingly no problem yelling out, 'we're fucking done!' as I stormed out the door, though. I didn't even bother grabbing my things before I left, too angry and hurt to care. I already regretted my words and the way I went about this. I should feel at least satisfied because I had finally ended it, like I was supposed to, but I didn't feel satisfied. Not at all. Breaking up with him like this was like a cop out. This way, the break up was turned around on him. As if he was the one who did the wrong thing. I knew I should go back and tell him, but I couldn't. 

I got a few strange looks as I walked through the lobby, choking on my sobs. Tears were dripping from my chin, onto my white dress and the newly polished floor tiles. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, undoubtedly smearing my make-up across my face. I didn't care, though. I was so beyond caring. Everything felt so fucked up right now--Ifelt so fucked up right now. It felt like there was nothing I could do to make everything okay again. That I had broken everything beyond repair. 

I climbed into my car and slammed the door shut, not even bothering to pull on my seat belt before I pulled out of the parking spot. I was fighting an inner battle the entire ride across town, wondering whether or not I should be doing this. I wanted so badly to see Derek. I don't care if he didn't welcome me with open arms. I just had to see him. I yearned to hear his voice--To see his face. I wanted that warm, secure feeling I got from being in his house. I've always been comfortable there, but it wasn't until after I was away from it for so long that I realized that it was home. 

I knew what I was doing was stupid. I had just run into Ryan's arms after fighting with Derek and now I was running to Derek after fighting with Ryan. I was so back and forth lately. I was so embarrassed by the things I had done--So ashamed. I was so ready for this to be over. For all these horrible feelings of sadness and self-loathing to go away. I almost wished I never met either of these men. That would have saved Ryan, Derek and even myself from a lot of heartache.

I took a deep breath in and I slowly breathed it out through my nose. I repeated that process several times as I made my way up the path and onto the porch. I rang the doorbell quickly, before I could even consider turning back. I needed to see him. Even if only for a moment. 

Reaching up, I patted my hair flat and wiped my black makeup-smeared hands on the skirt of my dress--A very pathetic attempt at fixing my disheveled appearance. I felt like I was standing there forever, pulling on my hair and gnawing on my lip nervously. I was considering turning away, thinking that he wasn't going to answer. He could be asleep or out somewhere, or maybe he was purposely ignoring the door. That he was purposely ignoring me. I suddenly found myself wondering if he was with someone else. Perhaps he was with another woman--One much prettier and smarter than me. Now that he knew he was moved on from Sadie, there was nothing holding him back from finding someone else. Not even me.

A new layer of salt water coated my eyes, even after I thought I had cried all my tears. I felt so... Unimportant. So rejected. So unloved. I sniffled pathetically, looking up through the frosted glass window on the door. I was ready to turn away from the house--To go back to my rightful home at my parents' house and cry myself to sleep. I would leave and never bother Derek again. He deserved so much better than what I put him through. This entire situation was my fault. Sure, he instigated the sex, but I was the one who kissed him. I put the thoughts in his head. I couldn't take no for an answer and I pushed and pushed until I got my way. 

Then I saw his silhouette through the glass and heard his approaching footsteps. My body went rigid as he opened the door. "I'm sorry, I was in the backyard and I-" He paused, his eyes widening ever so slightly. I eyed him carefully, my teeth almost biting through the skin of my bottom lip. I could taste the salty, metallic-y  flavour of blood on my tongue, as if I was sucking on a copper penny, but my gnawing didn't let up. It was the only thing distracting me from my nerves. "Ruth," he breathed, tilting his head to the side. "What are you doing here?" He took a moment to look at me--To really look at me and his brow creased. "Ruth, what happened? Why are you crying?" 

"I broke up with him," I didn't realize how hard I was crying until I heard my own voice. "We got in a fight and I ended it." I let out a sob, covering my face with my hands. I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. When my breathing regulated, for the most part, I dropped my hands. I watched his blurry figure through the layer of tears in my eyes, shaking my head. "I finally ended it." He didn't say anything, his eyes moving to the floor. I waited for a long time, hoping for some sort of reaction. I wasn't receiving one, though. I could feel my heart breaking a little more with every silent second that passed. My lips started to quiver and my face scrunched on it's on accord. I turned my head, trying to hide my new tears. "Sorry. I should never have come here. I just--Sorry. I'm sorry." 

I couldn't control the pathetic whimper that came out after I finished speaking.  I turned to leave the porch, but I felt his hands on my shoulders. "No, shh. Don't be sorry," he said softly, pulling me into him. "Come here, baby." I buried my face in his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his t-shirt tightly in my palms. His hand smoothed over my hair at the back of my head and I felt his lips press against my temple ever so lightly. I breathed in his scent, warm, masculine and just slightly citrusy. I could only hope that in being pressed so  tightly against him, I would smell like him too. "What happened?" 

I tried to calm myself down again, enough to speak. It took a moment, but after taking a few deep breaths, I had control over my quivering lips once again. "I-I broke up with him." The words were muffled by the material of his t-shirt and he moved back a bit, just enough so that there was a bit of space between my face and his chest. "We got in a big fight and I said that we were over." 

He furrowed his brow, but I couldn't help but notice the way the corner of his mouth twitched in the subtlest of ways. "When did this happen?" 

"Today," I told him, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "Just now." 

He nodded his head thoughtfully, his tongue quickly snaking out of his mouth to glide over his bottom lip. "So, you're done?" He asked slowly and I looked down, nodding my head. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into a much more intimate embrace. His lips touched my forehead, then my cheek and lastly, the corner of my mouth. "I have you all to myself?" 

"Well, yeah, I mean, I-" He cut me off, pressing his lips firmly to mine. I wanted so badly to allow myself to kiss him back, but I couldn't. I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him away. He looked at me curiously and I frowned, looking down at my feet. "Derek, you have to know..." I paused, swallowing hard. "I didn't tell him about us. That's not what we were fighting about. I mostly broke up with him because we were fighting and I was just so mad, you know? But that doesn't mean that I was going to stay with him either. I don't want you to think that I'm only here because me and Ryan didn't work out. I'm here because I want to be with you. I just, I don't know. I just need to get this stuff off my chest or else I'll always feel guilty about it. I'm not a good person, Derek. As much as I want to be with you, I need to tell-" 

He kissed me quickly, cutting me off. When he pulled away, he grinned down at me, cupping my face in his hands. "You talk too much." 

I sighed, my shoulders slumping. "I'm being serious, Derek. I'm no-"

"Do we have to talk about this now? Can't we just be happy that you're here?" He was smiling at me, pulling me closer. "I've really missed you." 

His words made me smile, but only for a moment. I let out a long breath through my nose, looking down at my dirty boots. "I slept with Ryan." I looked up at him now and his smile faltered. He looked confused with his furrowed brow. "After we faught last time and you called me-- Y-you called me a, a kid-" I looked down again, shaking my head. "-I was so mad at you that I went to Ryan and I slept with him in spite of you. At first, I wasn't able to break up with him because I was scared of hurting him, but then I was with him because I wanted to hurt you. And I, well, I gu-" 

"Ruth! Ruth, stop. Stop talking." I pressed my lips together in a tight line, looking up at him sheepishly. He shook his head at me, removing one hand from my face to rub his own tiredly. "Listen," he gave me a stern look, as if to tell me to keep my mouth shut. I gave a small nod, watching as his face got closer to mine. "You're not a kid, okay? I'm sorry I said that to you." I furrowed my brow at him, and he moved closer once again. Now our noses were brushing against one another. "I don't care what happened with you and Ryan, okay? You're here now and that's all that matters to me." I frowned, opening my mouth to speak, but he silenced me with a shake of his head. "Ruth, do you want to be with me?" 

"Yes." I said softly, nibbling on my bottom lip. 

He smiled at me, pressing our foreheads together. "Then that's all I need to hear."