Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

Everything felt so easy when I was with Derek. I didn't have to dress up and we didn't have to go out. We just enjoyed being in each other's company, without needing to speak constantly. It was so effortless.

It was amazing to be able to touch him whenever I wanted. Before, they were just urges I couldn't act on. The only thing I could do was stare longingly at the man I wanted so badly. But everything was different now. Different in a good way. The best way possible. 

I woke up to him every morning, with his face just inches from mine and his arms wrapped loosely around my waist. I had grown so used to being in his bed. We spent so much time there together. We rarely left. 

I was so in love with him. I never thought I could feel this way. I loved him so much before, but it was as if that love had changed or intensified with every touch and every kiss. Being in love felt so different now. It's like, no matter what else is going on in my life--With the stress of school or the thoughts of Ryan--I was happy. Those negative feelings had no power over me. They couldn't eat at me, bit by bit, the way they used to because, at the end of the day, I was going home to Derek. He'd be waiting there for me and he made everything okay. 

But, these last few days, I couldn't help but notice that he was acting very strangely. At the beginning, it was him pulling me back into his bed that kept us there all day. He always had his hands on me and he was always kissing me, but lately, he wasn't especially affectionate. I had to kiss him, or else there wouldn't be any kissing at all. He'd get out of bed in the morning and wouldn't bother waking me. His smiles were half-hearted and he sometimes seemed like he was miles away. It scared me. Here I was, thinking I had him, you know? I thought that I had finally won. I was so, unbelievably happy with him, but it was starting to feel like he wasn't happy with me.

I planned on confronting him one day. I had this speech planned in my head, which I had rehearsed over and over again. The words were seemingly burned into my mind, just waiting to be said, but they never were. I had sat down beside him on his couch, taking his cold hands in mine. He ripped his gaze away from the television after a moment, his blue eyes searching mine. 

"Do you really want this?" He asked me, his voice so soft. It almost came out as a whisper. He wasn't quite frowning, but he looked very sad. 

I furrowed my brow, tilting my head to the side. Despite my confusion, I gave his hand a small squeeze. "Of course I do." 

"You have to be sure, Ruth." He told me, his voice stern. 

"I am sure." I insisted, eying him very carefully. "Do you... Want this?" 

"Yes." He murmured, his hard expression softening slightly as he looked at me. His eyes looked so honest, so genuine. I didn't feel a shred of doubt in his answer.

"Then what's this about?" He brought my hand up to his lips, placing a light kiss on my knuckles. I watched the way his chest puffed out when he breathed in deeply, then fell when he loudly sighed. 

"I'd still be with Sadie right now if she hadn't died." He told me softly, looking down at our connected hands. "Doesn't that bother you at all? Be honest. You have to be sure you want to do this with me, Ruth. I don't want you to decide somewhere down the road that you are unhappy with me and leave." 

"I know, Derek. You loved her so much. I get that. It doesn't bother me. Really." I said softly, touching his face. "It's under the worst circumstances that we got to be together. I'd give anything for her to be here, even meant that I couldn't have you." I breathed in deeply, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I just want you to be happy, even if I'm unhappy. That's what happens when you love someone, right?" The corners of his mouth twitched and I let out a long, shuttering breath, finally looking into his eyes. "But I do have you. How could I possibly leave you?" 

Derek was quiet for a very long time, staring down at our hands thoughtfully. Eventually he let out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't understand how you can be okay with that."

"Well, I am okay with it, so don't question it, alright?" I smiled sadly, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. "Second place isn't so bad." 

I instantly regretted my words, watching the way his brows furrowed. He shook his head quickly, looking away from our hands and into my eyes. "It's not like that." Derek didn't quite snap at me, but his tone wasn't especially friendly either. "It's not that I loved her more than you or that she was better than you, Ruth. It's that, when she was alive, I didn't need to love anyone else. It's not that you're second best, Ruth. It's that I fell in love with you second. Do you get it?" 

"No," I said meekly, shaking my head. 

He cupped my face in his hands, brushing his thumbs over the moist trails that my tears left behind. "I fell in love with Sadie first. When I was with her, I couldn't fall in love with anybody else. It's not that I love you any less, it's that I wouldn't have had the chance to fall in love with you if it wasn't for the accident." 

I looked down, nodding my head slowly. Derek shifted his palms against mine, entwining our fingers together. He leaned close until our foreheads were touching and even though I wasn't looking up at him, I could tell he had his eyes on me. He pressed a kiss the the very tip of my nose and I found myself smiling despite all the things I was feeling. "You're falling in love with me?" 

He chuckled, his warm breath ghosting over the skin of my cheek. He pulled his fingers from mine to cup my cheeks in the palms of his hands, holding me there. His nose was touching mine and his lips were only centimeters away. The cuts left behind from his fight with Ryan had healed up quite well, now reduced to thin, barely-noticeable white lines on his pale pink lips. He grinned at me, that wide, impish sort of smile he often gave me. It reached his eyes, the way I always wished it would, crinkling the corners just slightly--Something I could never tell him, for he feared looking old. I thought it was handsome, though. From the crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he laughed and the way his shaggy, overgrown brown hair curled by his ears, to his patchy facial hair and slightly crooked teeth--Derek was handsome to me. 

"Who wouldn't fall in love with you?" He murmured, pressing his lips to my temple. His face found it's way to the crook of my neck, burying itself there. He pressed light kisses to my skin and I moved closer to him, until I was almost sitting in his lap. I don't think I can remember a time when I was as happy as I am now.