Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

It was so strange, all the things Ruth had learned about herself while being with Derek. She wondered what she had been doing in the years past that would make her miss them--What had been pushing her to pursue a career in psychology when she happened to be quite good at painting and enjoyed it a lot more than listening to other peoples' problems. She learned that she liked to paint flowers, and that she could make them look very much like the real thing. She learned that she liked the ocean--The smell, the taste, the way it felt when it dried on her skin. She liked to look at it and sometimes, she painted it too. Her favourite thing to paint, though, was Derek. She liked to paint him when he sat by the window in the morning, wearing his glasses and pajamas with the lighting just right. She liked to draw him in charcoals when he was sleeping, laying naked with the blanket draped over his hips. Ruth had always doodled, but never took it seriously until Derek bought her a sketchbook and some paints. 

Another thing Ruth learned was that she loved the colour red. She always thought that her favourite colour was a generic dark blue--Just as plain and ordinary as she thought she was. She had learned to like red, though, for how wild and lively it was. It was just the way Derek made her feel, alive. Ruth had always been alive, but she never knew it was something you could feel in your chest. 

She learned that she liked waking up early in the morning and that nothing felt better than the warm sun on her back. She learned that she actually did like mushrooms, even though she certainly didn't when she was young, and that desserts tasted so much sweeter on Derek's lips. She was so, unbelievably in love with Derek, even after these last two years. The one thing she looked forward to each and every day was crawling into bed beside him and feeling his arms wrap around her waist. He made her feel so loved, so important. She understood why Sadie could do nothing but smile while she was alive--It was because being with someone like Derek was truly a gift. Ruth couldn't help but feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world because she got the chance to have him. It was under the worst circumstances and Ruth wished Sadie was still there every time she walked by her picture or found one of her handwritten recipes in the bin under the sink, but she was also so happy. She felt so lucky to have him.

Today, Ruth was seated in the warm sand. Her hair hung down her back in waves and smelled very much like the sea. She wore her bathing suit--A navy blue, one-piece number. It was backless, but that was as far as Ruth could go with a bathing suit. She couldn't parade  around in one of those tiny bikinis that were seemingly everywhere around her. She applauded those girl's confidence, though. 

Derek was beside her, wearing a tank top with his swim trunks that had become just a bit too short in the wash. He had a floppy sun hat on his head that looked absolutely ridiculous, which he often wore because it embarrassed Ruth so. On top of everything, though, Derek wore a smile. A real, genuine smile that fully reached his eyes. That smile was put there by Ruth and, even though he felt he didn't say it enough, he felt so lucky to have her. He never thought he could feel like this again. Before Sadie, Derek didn't think he could love like that, and after her, he never thought he would be able to again. Ruth proved him wrong, though. 

While she watched the sea, Derek watched her. She had her sketchbook hugged tightly to her chest as she watched the people move back and forth in front of them. He watched the way she would smile and give a little wave to all the children or a small nod to all their mothers that looked her way. 

He had spent almost every day at this beach since the summer started, but he wasn't sick of it. It made Ruth so happy that he was sure he never would be. She looked so content here, staring at the waves. You would never believe this was the same girl who you'd often find buried under a mountain of coursework and stress a year back. She looked so free now. 

"Ruth, I'm going to get us some food from the boardwalk." He gave her knee a small squeeze, smiling over at her. Ruth nodded, leaning over to kiss him lightly on the lips. 

"Bring me something with fries, please," she murmured, holding out the handle of the leash to him. "Would you like to bring Jack for some company?" 

"You don't mind being alone for a bit?" Derek raised his brows, grabbing the leash. 

Ruth lent forward, kissing Jack's forehead, feeling his bristley fur tickle her lips and chin. "No, I'll be fine. I'm actually going to go stick my feet in the water." 

She stood up, dusting the sand from her bum. Derek gave her a sideways smile and a wink, removing his floppy hat and placing it on Ruth's head before he turned away with Jack scurrying beside him. Ruth watched them disappear into the crowd of people, suddenly feeling a lot more lonely than before. She hated how clingy she had become since she was with Derek. It was like, no matter who she was with, she was alone if Derek wasn't there too. She wanted him around all the time and she could never fully enjoy herself unless he was there. He hasn't tried to push her away, though, so she knew that Derek didn't mind. Maybe he even felt the same too. 

Ruth removed the hat from her head, but let it hang around her neck by it's string. The frayed edges of the straw hat tickled the bare skin of her back, but she didn't care much. She buried her feet into the sand with every step she took toward the water and she didn't stop until it was just licking the tips of her toes. She stared out into the vast expanse of blue in front of her, trying to count all the people that had swam so far out that they looked like specks from where she stood. The sun reflecting on the water made it hard for her to see sometimes, but when the water moved just right, the reflected light made it look like it was glittering. She loved that, almost as much as she loved when the water matched the sky on a slightly overcast day, when you can't tell where the water ends and the sky begins. 

The sun was beating down hotly on her shoulders and the skin of her cheeks was starting to feel a bit tight. Her hair hung down over her right shoulder, nearly reaching her waist in length. She could feel with her fingers that it was a knotted mess, but she was too enthralled in the feeling of the sun and the glittering water to grab a brush and fix it. 

Children were playing at the shore around her, meeting other children that they were likely to never meet again and building structures out of wet sand. Ruth watched the way the mothers fawned over them, wiping the sand away from their mouths and eyes and yelling for them to stay where they could see. 

"Ruth!" Startled, she turned to see Derek holding two styrofoam food containers. 

She made her way back over to him as sat down on their blanket, leaning against Derek's side. Even though the day was hot and sitting so close together made them sweat, Derek wrapped his arm around her. He held her there so tightly, only using one of his hands to eat. Ruth had created a system where she would eat a fry and then give a fry to jack--Something that made her feel a little less guilty about eating fatty foods and was helping to keep Jack pleasantly plump. 

Ruth pressed her lips against Derek's ear, telling him she loved him and thanking him for coming here with her again today. Derek didn't feel that she had to thank him for being here, because he'd come whether she requested him to or not. Even if he didn't admit it, he always wanted Ruth near him. It was mostly because he loved to be with her, but also a bit because he wanted to protect her. He had lost the two people that were most important to him before and he would never let that happen again. He didn't know what we would do with himself without Ruth.

"I love you too, baby." Derek was smiling, running his hands through her long hair. They both laughed when his fingers got caught in the tangles. 

They stayed like that for a long time, until Derek got up again to throw away their garbage and see about getting some ice-cream. Ruth was left with Jack this time, who laid peacefully beside her. She tangled her fingers in his scruffy fur, stroking small circles into his belly. She watched the water for a very long time, slightly mesmerized. The ocean was so large that it was scary and on a windy day, the waves could easily wash her away, but even though she feared it, she found herself wanting to be in it. To be so far out that she can't touch the bottom with her toes. 

A shadow appeared above her and she furrowed her brow. Shielding her eyes from the sun, she looked up at the person standing over her. He wore that same, sideways grin he always used to for her and his hair had grown out a bit, curling by his ears the way Ruth liked it. She tried not to let her eyes take in his chest, for he wasn't wearing a shirt and Ruth knew how easily she could get lost in the contours of his muscles. 

"Ryan?" She breathed, wide-eyed. 

His grin broadened and Ruth rose to her feet. She was slightly taken aback when Ryan's arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. They hadn't spoken since the night at Derek's, but apparently, time had healed those wounds.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, shaking her head slowly. She was still in awe of him. "Not that I'm complaining. I just haven't seen you in so long!" 

"Two years." He nodded, smiling lightly. "I thought I saw you earlier by the water, but I wasn't sure until I walked by. Your hair! It's so long!" 

Ruth blushed, looking down at her toes. "Yeah, I stopped cutting it." 

Her blush deepened at how lamely she answered that, but Ryan laughed. "You haven't changed a bit, Ruth." 

She chuckled, still shielding her eyes from the sun. "Neither have you."

They stared at one another for a few moments, still a little in awe of seeing one another. "Well, I should get back to my girlfriend. I just wanted to say hi." 

Ruth swallowed, nodding her head. "Girlfriend? You have a, uhm, girlfriend." 

Ryan nodded, scratching the back of his neck. "Yeah, her name is Sophie." 

"Good for you." Ruth nodded, mustering a smile. She was happy for him. She really was, even if it hurt just a little bit. 

Ryan nodded. "Are you still with Derek?" 

Ruth swallowed, glancing behind her. Derek wasn't back yet and Jack was looking up at them curiously from his place in the sand. "Yeah." 

"Does he make you happy?" 

Ruth eyed Ryan, watching the way he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. His lips turned downwards into the faintest of frowns and Ruth's heart broke just a little bit as she remembered the broken look on his face the last time she saw him. "Yeah, he does." She found herself smiling, despite everything else she was feeling, remembering the warm smile Derek wore when he looked at her. "Does Sophie make you happy?" 

His lips slowly spread into a wide smile--The very same one that used to be reserved for only Ruth. She tried not to think about the fact that some other girl received that warm, charming smile that somehow held so much love and adoration while still maintaining a bit of a playful air. "You know, for a while I thought I would never find someone who would make me as happy as you did," he shrugged his shoulders, looking down at his feet. "If you had given me the chance, I would have married you, Ruth." He breathed out a long sigh and Ruth felt like her heart was in her throat, swelling and pulsing. She wanted to cry and throw up all at the same time. "Sophie really does make me happy, though. Really, really happy."

Ruth nodded, swallowing her heart and the urge to vomit and the sob that was creeping up her throat. "I'm happy for you, Ryan. Really, I am." 

They exchanged numbers, agreeing to meet for coffee some time soon. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest as she slowly lowered onto the sand beside Jack. Her eyes were trained on Ryan's back as he walked in the direction of a woman with blond hair. It reached just past her shoulders in length and was the colour of honey. She stood up when she saw him coming and Ruth felt her breath catch in her throat as Ryan fell to his knees before her, pressing his hands to her rounded belly that protruded over her black bikini bottom. He pressed a kiss to her belly button, looking up at the woman with his special smile. Ruth wanted so badly to give in to the jealousy that was flowing through her veins and sizzling hotly on her skin, but instead, she chose to be happy for him. 

It became especially easy to do that when Derek lowered down onto the sand beside her, holding one massive cup of cherry cheesecake ice-cream and two spoons. He smiled crookedly at Ruth, leaning over to kiss her quickly before offering her one of the spoons. They chatted lightly as they ate and Ruth decided to tell him later about seeing Ryan, not wanting to ruin the light, playful mood they had going at that moment. 

Derek had insisted on feeding her now, even taking her spoon and tossing it somewhere behind him. By the time the cup was empty, Ruth's chin and the tip of her nose were smeared with sticky, melted ice-cream. 

"You're a jerk," she muttered, rising to her feet to go wash up in the water. 

Derek laughed and got up too, following closely behind her. He wanted so badly to reach for her and pull her body tightly against his, but he knew how much she disliked acting too intimately in front of children. Instead, he kept his greedy fingers to himself, just until they were deep enough in the water that the children couldn't see. 

He did take her hand, though, lacing their fingers together. Ruth tried to stop in the shallow end, but Derek gave her hand a small tug. "Come on." He smiled at her and she hesitated, for she never usually went farther than knee-deep. 

"Okay," she agreed softly, letting him pull her into the water. It got colder as they went deeper and Ruth tried not to think about what it was under the surface that was tickling her toes. They stopped when the water reached their shoulders and Derek's arms instantly wound around her waist, pulling her into his body. Their noses were rubbing together, causing both of them to grin. 

"I love you." Derek told her, pressing his forehead to hers. 

"How much?" Ruth giggled, tilting her head to the side. 

He chuckled, the deep sound rumbling in his chest. "Just a little." 

"I love you just a little too." Ruth was smiling with her hands laid flat on Derek's chest. They fell silent for a long time, just embracing with the hot, afternoon sun beating down on their backs. Derek knew that something was on Ruth's mind, judging by her furrowed brow and the way she was chewing on the inside of her cheek. He chose not to pry, though. He had known her long enough to know that Ruth will tell him when she's ready. 

"Do you ever want to have another child?" She asked quickly and Derek looked down at her, watching her face contort into a grimace as she regretted speaking her thoughts. Her eyes held genuine concern, though, and curiosity. As if she still wanted an answer, whether she regretted asking the question or not. 

Derek hadn't really thought about having anymore kids. After losing Paige, he had given up on the idea of being a father. That was before Ruth, though. When he thought about it, he did want to have a family with her. He wanted to have little boys and girls that looked like the perfect mixture of both of them running around their home. He didn't want to replace the memory of his first child--Not by any means. He loved Paige more than he's ever loved anything in his entire life and he never wanted to forget her, but he missed being a father. It would be hard, but he was ready. He wanted this. So he smiled, nodding his head. "I do." 

Ruth smiled and she looked a little more hopeful. "You do?" Derek laughed at how eager she was, nodding again. Then Ruth looked hesitant again, looking down at the water through the small gap between their chests. "Would you want to have a child with me?"

"Right now?" Derek raised his brows, smiling teasingly at her. 

"Not right now!" She exclaimed, frowning at him. "I mean, eventually. Some time. I don't know when, but I'm being serious, Derek!"

He immediately let his smile drop, cupping her face in his hands. "Yes, I would." He told her, leaning in to press a kiss very lightly on her lips. "And one day, I want to marry you and buy you a big house where we can raise our family." 

"You'd want all that with me?" She whispered. 

Derek laughed, rolling his eyes. "Yes, stupid." 

And far too giddy to come up with some witty reply, Ruth merely muttered, "you're stupid," before leaning her head against his chest.