Come On, Sweet Catastrophe

It had been two months, one week and five days since I last saw Derek. In this time, I had learned a lot. For instance, I learned how much easier it is to get by in my classes when I don't have to give up all my free time to take care of another individual. I learned that I had been completely neglecting my friends, so I had used some of my free time to make it up to all of them. And I learned that there was a very handsome boy named Ryan in my Sociology class that just so happened to have a very low grade because he spends all the lectures staring at me from across the room rather than paying attention.

I took this as the perfect opportunity to get over my impossible crush on Derek. I had finally come to terms with the fact that him and I were never going to be together, and though I wasn't okay with it just yet, I was sure that I would be. Ryan was just the thing I needed right now. He was nothing like Derek, and he just made me feel like... A girl.

My mother never asked me why I didn't go to Derek's anymore, like I would have expected. I knew that she knew something happened between us, and that she was right, but she never said, 'I told you so.' Which really meant a lot to me. It was hard enough that I couldn't see him any longer, and she knew that, and she didn't want to make it any worse for me. Even with she was satisfied with the fact that she was right and I was wrong, she never showed it. I appreciated it.

Things were going good for me. I was excelling in all my classes, I was back with all my friends, I got to see my family a lot more and Ryan and I had just gotten past the hanging out stage and our dates were becoming less casual. I hadn't focused on myself and my life in a long time, and I was now.

But something always had to get in the way of that.

My friends Michelle, Carter and I were sitting in the courtyard, killing time before our next classes when I got the phone call. I don't know why I didn't check who was calling me before I answered, because surely I wouldn't have if I had looked. Carter had said something funny as I put the phone to my ear, and I giggled my greeting into the phone. At first, all I could hear was their soft breathing, and I furrowed my brow, glancing down at the screen of the phone.

"Hello?" I said again, furrowing my brows.

"Ruth, I-uhm, I..." His voice was rough, as if he had just woken up from a deep sleep. "Uhm..."

"Derek?" I choked out, glancing quickly at my friends. They eyed me curiously as I stood up, and I sent them an apologetic smile before walking a little ways away.

"Uhm, yeah." He said slowly, sheepishly. "Hi..."

"Derek, I don't mean to be rude, but what do you need?" I sighed into the phone.

"Well..." He said paused. "I need..."

I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose tiredly. "I'm sorry, but I just don't have time for this-"

"Look, Ruth, I need you, okay?" Derek said quickly, sounding just as frustrated as I did. I stayed quiet, listening to the sound of his uneven breathing, not knowing what else to say. "Ruth?"

I breathed in deeply, filling my lungs to their full capacity, then exhaled slowly. "I'm sure you can make your own lunch, Derek."

"That's not why I fucking kept you around, Ruth!" He scolded.

"Oh yeah?" I asked dryly. "Then why did you keep me around, Derek? Enlighten me."

"I kept you around because you were my only friend." He spat. "I could care less if you cleaned up after me or cooked for me. You were always there for me when everyone else wasn't. My own parents even stopped coming around. It was like you were the only one who understood what I was going through, or at least tried to understand." He paused, and all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in the brief silence. "I'm not sure you understand just how thankful I am for everything you've done for me, Ruth. I may not have vocalized it before, but that's only because I thought you knew. Say something..."

"I don't know that to say." I choked out.

"Don't say anything, then." He said. "Just come see me."

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "My next class ends at four. I'll come then."

"Thank you." He whispered. "See you then."

"Yeah." And then we hung up.

-----

The knob creaked as it turned slowly, in a counter-clockwise direction, and the hinges wheezed as the door was pulled open. I didn't even have time to look over the figure that had just revealed himself from behind the door because he had launched himself at me the moment it was opened wide for him to fit his body through. His abnormally thin arms hugged my waist tightly, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, running my fingers soothingly through his shaggy hair. I made a mental note to book him a hair appointment for him, and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" He mumbled against my neck, nuzzling his face against my skin.

"I've been here for thirty seconds and I'm already making a list of things I have to do." I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. "It's like I never left."

"I wish you didn't." He said sadly, and I sighed.

I pulled away slightly, placing my hands on his shoulders. "Let me look at you." He lifted his head from my neck and smiled softly at me, loosening his grip on my waist. His hair was much longer now, and I knew that he hadn't got it cut since the last time I had made him an appointment. He was much thinner now, and the bones in his cheeks were more prominent, and I pursed my lips. "What? Did you not eat while I was gone?"

He laughed, ruffling the hair at the back of his head. "Well... I tried to, but I'm nowhere near as good a cook as you, Ruth."

"Ahh, so that's why you called me." I smirked, placing my hands on my hips. "You did want me to make you food."

"Well, kind of." He joked, scratching his chin.

My eyes scanned over his face, from his deep, blue eyes to the four days worth of stubble that lined his upper lips and jaw. He looked happier, I noticed, the way his smile actually kind of reached his eyes. It was nice. It was truly something I hadn't seen in a while. "You look good, Derek." I said softly. "Happier. It's nice to see."

"I was actually thinking the same thing about you." He said, and his eyes scanned my body up and down. "Who knew you could dress like a girl?"

"I always dress like a girl, thank you very much." I said defensively, looking down at the flowy skirt of the floral dress I was wearing. "I just always wore clothes I could work in when I was here."

"I see." He said, and I noted the way his eyes subtly lingered over my chest.

I scoffed, and he quickly adverted his gaze to my face with an innocent grin on his. "Come on, let's go inside. I need to fatten you up."

He laughed, following me into the house. "It's good to have you back, Ruth."

"I guess it's kind of nice to be back." I said softly, glancing around the kitchen. "Did you hire another maid while I was gone?"

Derek chuckled beside me, and I looked up at him. He staring down at me in amusement, shrugging his shoulders. "I had nothing better to do, and I didn't really cook much, so it was relatively easy to keep it clean myself."

I raised both my brows. "Really?"

He laughed again. "Yes."

"I'm so proud of you." She murmured, walking over the the island and set my purse down on the polished granite surface. I could feel his eyes on me as I sorted through his cupboards and pantry, grabbing out a box of rotini pasta and two cans of diced, stewed tomatoes. Rather than acknowledging it, I just went on with my business, pulling a head of garlic from the top shelf in the fridge and clipping a few basil, parsley and oregano leaves from the small plant on his counter that I was thrilled to see that he had kept alive over the past two months.

"Dinner won't be anything fancy." I told him, pouring olive oil into the pan and turning up the heat on the element. "Just pasta and a quick tomato sauce."

"That's fine." He said as he sat down at the island, and I glanced at him quickly to see that his bright blue eyes were still fixated on me. "So, Ruth..."

"Yes, Derek?" I chuckled, raising my brows.

"So, what's new in your life?" He asked, resting his chin in the palm of his hand.

I shrugged, rolling the basil leaves and slicing them thinly. "Nothing really."

"Oh, come on." He rolled his eyes, leaning forward. "It's been over two months. There must be tons of new things going on."

"Not really." I pursed my lips. "I've just been spending more time with my old friends, I finally started drinking coffee, I've been working really hard at school and I'm currently dating someone. That's it."

Derek fell silent, but his gaze didn't move from the side of my face. I could almost feel it burning wholes into my flesh from the intensity of his stare. My entire body tensed as a shiver ran down my spine, and I could feel my fingers begin to shake nervously. Looking at him from the corner of my eyes, I could see that he wasn't just looking at me. I felt like he was judging me, with the way his eyes were squinted slightly and his lips were pursed. He looked as though he was criticizing the way I looked. The way I moved.

I licked my lips, setting down the knife on the counter beside me. I took a handful of the chopped garlic and herbs, dropping it into the pan of hot, sizzling olive oil. Instantly, the entire kitchen smelled like a combination of what was in the pan, and my stomach growled loudly. My cheeks burned red in embarrassment, for I knew Derek probably heard it too.

"What's his name?" He asked curiously, moving his fringe from in front of his eyes. "The boy you're dating, I mean."

"Ryan." I said simply.

Derek nodded slowly, looking down at his hands as he twiddled his thumbs. "Does he treat you right?"

I smiled softly, biting my lip. "Yeah. He really does. He's a very nice guy."

"Well, hopefully not too nice." He said, raising his brows at me suggestively.

I scoffed, shaking my head. Instead of saying anything more, I continued with the sauce, pouring the tomatoes into the pan and letting it simmer while the pasta boiled. Neither of us talked until after dinner was ready and we were sitting together in the dining room. Derek had started talking about how good dinner was, and I smiled, despite the fact that I thought it wasn't very good at all. From there we spoke about all the little things we had been up to for the past little while, then we had relocated to the living room after cleaning the dishes. Derek laid, sprawled out on the sofa, while I curled up comfortably on the blue chair, watching the television as he flipped through all the channels. It was rather late by the time I had walked him upstairs to his bedroom and brought him his medication while he got comfortable in his bed. We continued talking until he was too tired to speak, and then I made my way into the guest room. I smiled as my eyes landed upon a stack of clean, folded clothing--Everything that I had ever left at his home--sitting on the chair in the corner. It was waiting for me, as if he had known I was coming back. As if he knew that my loyalties lie with him, and that no matter how angry or frustrated I was with him, I was always going to be there to take care of him. Even I knew that was the truth, despite the fact that I wish it wasn't. I wish I was capable to stay away. I wish that I knew how to completely rid myself of everything that is Derek and be happy with a life without him. I wish I had at least an ounce of self-control when it came to him.

But I didn't, and I was going to try my hardest to change that. I know I had just accepted him back into my life the second I had answered that phone call rather than hanging up at the sound of his voice, but it was going to be different now. His house wasn't going to be my second home anymore. I wasn't going to spend every waking moment that I wasn't at school here anymore. I would spend my evenings here some days, and my mornings there others. My focus wasn't going to be mainly on him and his needs any longer; school was my main priority. I was going to do everything in my power to make this thing with Ryan work out, because he was just what I needed, and what I had managed to convince myself that I wanted.

I mean, he was pretty close to my ideas of what's considered a perfect man. He was ridiculously beautiful, he was charming and extremely intelligent. He could cook well, he was interesting and I could see a six pack so perfect that it looked to be carved by Greek gods out of marble from beneath the material of his more fitted t-shirts. He made me happy and he had a wonderful sense of humor, and I know that I shouldn't want anything more than that, but...

He wasn't Derek. As much as I wished that I would be okay with that fact, he just didn't compare. He wasn't in the same league, and I didn't know why. Ryan was everything. Everything a girl could ever want. Derek was none of those things. He was a wreck. A mess. There wasn't one girl in the world who could say they wanted to have to deal with his issues. I didn't even want to deal with all his fucking issues, but it didn't make me stop loving him.

I don't know if I ever could.