For Every Love That's Lost

I haven’t written in this in a little over a month—maybe more. The last few weeks have been brutal. I feel like my life is at a standstill, where there’s just nothing going on. Days are repetitive, with the exception that they’re getting shittier and shittier as each one passes.

I said I was going to make this year my year. But it’s not. It’s far from that. So far, at least. I try to keep myself sane, wishing and hoping that things will get better. I’ve tried and tried and tried so fucking hard to make everything better for me. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough, but now I just feel so discouraged. I keep falling in and out of this rut and it seems like things just don’t want to play out in my hand.

School is the bane of my existence. I want to get out. I want to graduate already and start fresh and go off to college and disappear and I want to leave everything behind and forget about these past months. I don’t know how long I can go on. I feel so pathetic and so alone. I can’t relate to anyone and it’s so hard to make new friends at this school. I miss the ones that I had back home. And it scares me to think that I’m having so much trouble here—how the hell am I going to survive college?

I hate being alone. I hate feeling this despair and I want it to go away. I’m tired of feeling like such an epic loser. I’ve pushed people away and no one’s reached out. Just because I’m going through something or secluding myself from the world, everyone else is going to keep on going whether I’m with them or not, and it sucks. Maybe I just feel needy and too dependent and selfish, but I wish so damn hard that someone would just reach out to me. It would make everything so much easier.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on because I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times it’d be nice to keep my pillow dry for once. I wish there was someone out there to help me out. I feel like I can’t do it alone. I’m scared and it’s really difficult. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Everything keeps going to shit.

I’ve wasted so much time and days just keep passing by and nothing is getting better and I don’t know how to fix it.

I still have an entire year ahead of me here and then I can go away, but it’ll be my last year of high school and I had hoped that it would be one of the best. I was supposed to spend my last two years with my best friends. We were supposed to go to Prom together and senior trips and spend our last years together before college rolled around. We were supposed to be together and have the times of our short lives.

Now, I just feel like I want to get it over. I want to crawl into a little hole and curl up in a ball and just cry. I want nothing more than to stop going to school, stop facing my peers who can’t see what I’m going through, and just stay in bed all day. I feel like this is my breaking point. I can’t handle it anymore. After six months, it’s just too much to handle. It’s so hard. I feel so weak and pathetic and worthless. I’m so scared of rejection and criticism and judgment. I’m scared of people disliking me and thinking that I’m things I’m not. Maybe what they say is true and maybe that’s really how I am. Maybe I’m just so unapproachable and no one would ever think of trying to befriend me.

In the past months, I’ve watched and let myself go down in a spiral. I saw my self-confidence wither and my self-esteem degrade into nothing. I saw my optimism turn into pessimism and my happy-go-lucky attitude turn into cynicism. I’ve changed as a person, and I can’t say that I’m fond of it.

I don’t know what to do. Everything’s shit.