Broken Hearted

I had found myself waiting patiently in front of Shaun’s house, just waiting to gain the courage to actually knock on his front door.

I took a deep breath before knocking on his door. It felt like hours before someone actually opened the door.

A smile fell onto my face when I saw the door opening, and just as quickly as my smile appeared did it disappear when I was Ashley open the door instead of Shaun.

“Oh hey Ashley.” I smiled.

“Alison! I haven’t seen you in ages!” She exclaimed as she hugged me tightly.

“Ya, how’s Vermont and school?” I asked, trying to act as if I were interested.

“Oh, it’s good. It’s hard always being away from Shaun, but it’s good, I’ve met some interesting people and learned some interesting stuff.” She laughed lightly.

“That’s cool. Look, is Shaun home?” I asked. “I really need to talk to him, I need to apologize.”

Ashley looked at me, slightly confused before smiling softly and nodding her head, “I’ll go get him for you.” She replied as she walked into the house, leaving me outside waiting for Shaun.

I found myself kicking the ground in front of me as I waited for Shaun, thinking about what I could possibly tell him that I didn’t even notice him standing in front of me.

“Alison?” He asked, as if making sure it really was me in front of him.

“Ya.” I smiled up at him.

He was wearing nothing but jeans as he smiled back at me before eh pulled me into a tight hug.

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” I laughed.

“I just got up to be completely honest.” He laughed. “What are you doing here?” He asked as he pulled away from me and closed the front door.

“I came here to apologize. I miss you, a lot, and I don’t not want to be friends because you’re with Ashley, that’s just stupid on my behalf, and I’m sorry, I want you back in my life.”

Shaun simply smiled at me before hugging me once again.

I hugged him back tightly, not wanting to let him go, I missed him too much, and I just wanted to be in his arms for a little while.

“I’m sorry dude.” Shaun said as he continued hugging me.

“Just, never suggest never being friends ever again.” I smiled.

“No, not that.” He replied, I could feel his heart beating faster before I pulled myself away from him, my hands resting on his arms as his rested on my hips.

“For what?” I asked, slightly confused.

“I was going to dump Ashley last night…” He started.

“Did you?” I asked.

“No, um, instead I, um, I told her I loved her.” He whispered almost inaudibly.

I felt my heart stop, my breath got stuck in my throat and my stomach dropped even more than it ever had.

“Did-did you mean it?” I asked nervously.

“Well, at the time I didn’t…” He replied dropping his arms and looking at the ground.

“So you do now?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly.

“Um, just a tiny little bit. I still love you, a lot, a lot more than I love Ashley, but I’m starting to feel something with Ashley whenever we kiss.” He replied.

“Oh.” I replied quietly as I stared down at the ground, my eyes starting to water.

“I’m really sorry.”

“No, no it’s alright.” I lied, “I mean, it was bound to happen right? You two have been together for so long I can’t even remember you when you were single, it was going to happen, and you know she’s with you, so I really can’t do anything about it.” I replied, trying to keep myself composed and trying not to cry.

“I don’t love her a lot, it’s just, only a little bit. I mean, I’m always thinking about you, not her, and when I kiss you it’s a lot more intense and stuff, but there is something there.” He tried to explain.

I swallowed heavily and simply nodded my head, not too sure on what to say.

“Are you ok?” He asked.

“No, not really. What you’re saying hurts to hear, I mean, you can’t love two different people at once, it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t love me and love her, you just can’t. It just hurts to hear that the guy you love, and thinks loves you back is in love with someone else. I mean, I’ve been thinking for years we’ll end up together and for years you kept telling me that and that everything will work itself out and it’s pretty clear that’s not going to happen.”

“It might, you never know.” Shaun replied, trying to reassure me.

“No, no it won’t. You’ve basically replaced me, you’re going to be with her forever, I don’t have a fucking chance in hell with you, especially against her.”

“Well, we’ll still be friends though, I’ll always love you.”

“You say that now, but eventually you’ll love her a fuck of a lot more than you’ll love me.”

“Well, you’ve got Oliver.” He replied as if it was some kind of a solution.

“No, no I don’t. We broke up the night before I left.”

“Oh, why?”

I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes, “Because he said he loved me and I didn’t love him back. I was waiting for you so I didn’t love him back and I never will. So we broke up because he didn’t want to waste his time having a relationship with someone who doesn’t love him back when he can be out looking for that girl who does.”

“Did he know you love me?” Shaun asked hesitantly.

“Well, he knew I loved someone else, but he doesn’t know it’s you.”

“Oh, what he say?”

“He asked why we weren’t together and I told him it was because you were with someone else and didn’t have to balls to break up with who you were with, and Oliver said that if you did love me that eventually we’d be together, but that was before I knew you were in love with someone else. So I convinced myself he was right, and that was a huge mistake on my part, so I’m going to go.” I replied.

“I still wanna be friends though, and I still do love you, a lot.” Shaun stated.

“You just don’t get it do you?” I snapped. “I can’t do that Shaun. It’ll be devastating for me to watch you two all the time, it already hurt enough to watch you two. I can’t do it Shaun.”

“So, you don’t want to be friends?”

“I want to be acquaintances.”

“What?” He asked quietly.

“Put yourself in my position. Single and thinking you have a shot with the person you love who says they feel the same way and then finding out they love someone else that you absolutely can’t stand because if anything it should be you with that person. You’re constantly thinking about how you should’ve changed everything you had ever done because then you’d be happy just to hear the person you’re completely in love with doesn’t quite feel the same way anymore but wants to be friends so you’re going to always have to deal with seeing them happily in love together while you’re completely miserable and will forever, for the rest of your life, regret everything you’ve done that has made that person no longer love you, and constantly adding something new to that vast list you’ve made in your head as to why you’re not with that person and happy. It sucks; it’s heart breaking. Whenever I’ll see you two I’ll constantly feel like shit and like I’ll never find what two will have. It’s going to suck a lot and I can’t possibly put myself through that, you understand don’t you?” I asked, finally letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks.

Shaun looked at me; shocked. I didn’t know if it was because of what I had said, that I just wanted to be acquaintances or because I was crying. He just looked at me, mouth agape.

I quickly wiped away my tears and looked at him, “Just, forget about it. Have a nice life, and I hope you’re happy with her, I really do. You both deserve each other.” I stated before I turned around to make my way to my car.

“Why did you actually come here?” Shaun asked.

“Because I wanted to tell you I wanted to be friends, and that I was wrong about you. I said you didn’t even try to get together with me when that was bullshit. You waited months for me before you got with Ashley to distract yourself from me, like I did with Oliver to distract myself from you. You did try and I wanted to tell you that I’d wait for you, that it was my turn to wait and that I’d wait for as long as it took, but you’re in love with Ashley, so I’d be wasting my time waiting for someone to come around when they’ve already found someone.”

Shaun remained silent, and just stared at me, he clearly had nothing to say, absolutely nothing.

“I do love you.” He spoke up.

“Not as much as you used to, and not for long.” I replied almost instantly as I continued walking over to my car. “I’ll see you around.” I added before I got into my car and drove away from him.